Notes on Silence: Anything But by Deborah Tannen

Deborah Tannen illustrates the dual nature of silence by categorizing it as both a communicative sign and a collaborative product between participants.

The Duality of Silence

  • Positive Valuation: Silence can be perceived as a sign of respect, creative solitude, or a deep, intimate understanding between individuals. In some cultures and contexts, being silent together is a socially approved form of 'togetherness' or a necessary space for deep thought.

  • Negative Valuation: Conversely, silence can be viewed as a failure of 'positive politeness'—an omission of necessary speech that conveys anger, criticism, or an uncomfortable atmosphere.

Influence on Interpersonal Relationships

In relationships, these interpretations can lead to significant friction:

  • Among Intimates: Tannen notes that extended silence might indicate a lack of connection or discord. For example, complaints about a partner dominating a conversation during a long car ride often stem from the expectation of continuous, participatory talk.

  • Therapeutic and Social Settings: In therapy, silence might signify discomfort or disengagement. Tannen also uses an anecdote of a mother observing her husband and daughter to show how one person might see silence as peaceful while another sees it as a breakdown in communication.

Impact Across Cultural Settings

Interpersonal dynamics are further complicated by cultural norms:

  • High-Involvement Styles (e.g., New York Jewish): These speakers view silence as a negative space that must be filled. They use a 'machine-gun' style of questioning and fast turn-taking to avoid silence. For them, silence is often a sign that something is wrong.

  • Cross-Cultural Misinterpretation: When a fast-paced talker interacts with someone from a culture that values slower pacing or silence (like certain non-New Yorker Americans or other cross-cultural examples like Antiguan or Italian styles), the silence of the slower speaker is often misinterpreted as withholding or hostility, while the fast speaker is labeled a 'crowder' or disruptive.

Tannen concludes that silence is not just an individual act but a joint production; its meaning is derived from how participants collectively interpret those pauses based on their own cultural expectations of conversational 'noise'.