Chapter 7 - Talking and Listening - Reading Notes

7.1 The Importance of Everyday Conversations — Notes

What Is a Conversation?

  • Conversation comes from con (with) + versare (turn): taking turns

  • Not a monologue → interactive, back-and-forth process

  • Helps us build, maintain, and end relationships

  • According to Judy Apps, conversation requires turn-taking

Definitions of Conversation

  • Donald Allen & Rebecca Guy:

    • Conversation = real-time, verbal, shared social experience

  • Susan Brennan:

    • Conversation uses verbal + nonverbal signals

    • Can involve two or more people

  • Conversations are one of the most common forms of interpersonal communication

Technology & Conversation

  • Sherry Turkle argues conversation is declining

  • Technology allows people to:

    • Edit responses

    • Control self-presentation

    • Avoid real-time interaction

  • Concern: people may lose conversational skills

Communication Is Essential

  • Humans cannot not communicate

  • Even when communication is restricted (e.g., prisons), people find alternatives

  • Communication supports:

    • Mental health

    • Physical health

    • Emotional well-being

Types of Conversations (David Angle)

Two dimensions:

  • Direction: One-way vs. Two-way

  • Tone: Cooperative vs. Competitive

Four Types of Conversations

  1. Discourse (One-way + Cooperative)

    • Purpose: share information

    • Example: lectures, speeches

  2. Dialogue (Two-way + Cooperative)

    • Purpose: exchange ideas & build relationships

    • Example: dates, friendly conversations

  3. Debate (Two-way + Competitive)

    • Purpose: persuade or win an argument

    • Example: study groups, political discussions

  4. Diatribe (One-way + Competitive)

    • Purpose: vent emotions or criticize

    • Example: ranting about a bad grade

Communication Needs

1. Physical Needs

  • Communication improves:

    • Health

    • Stress levels

    • Recovery from illness

  • Talking reduces anger, grudges, and anxiety

2. Identity Needs

  • Communication shapes self-concept

  • We learn who we are through others’ feedback

  • Example: being told you’re funny or talented

3. Social Needs

  • Communication helps:

    • Start relationships

    • Maintain relationships

    • End relationships

  • Rebecca Rubin identified 6 communication motives:

    • Control

    • Relaxation

    • Escape

    • Inclusion

    • Affection

    • Pleasure

4. Practical Needs

  • Communication helps us:

    • Exchange information

    • Solve problems

    • Prevent disasters

    • Maintain daily life routines

7.2 Sharing Personal Information — Notes

What Is Self-Disclosure?

  • Self-disclosure = intentionally sharing personal information about yourself

  • Helps reduce uncertainty in new interactions

  • Linked to Uncertainty Reduction Theory by Charles Berger & Richard Calabrese

  • As communication increases → uncertainty decreases

  • Sidney Jourard: self-disclosure lets others see your “true self”

Factors That Influence Self-Disclosure

Self-disclosure varies based on:

  • Personality (extraverts disclose more)

  • Culture (Western > Eastern)

  • Emotional state (happy > sad)

  • Sex & gender identity

  • Status (lower-status disclose more)

  • Environment (warm/comfortable spaces)

  • Touch (can increase or decrease)

  • Communication channel (often easier online or by phone)

Motives for Self-Disclosure

1. Social Integration

  • Purpose: build relationships

  • Helps find common ground (interests, values, beliefs)

  • More self-disclosure → more liking

  • Appropriateness matters

    • Oversharing too soon = uncomfortable

Expectancy Violations

  • Based on Expectancy Violations Theory

  • Developed by Judee Burgoon

  • When disclosure violates norms → interaction evaluated negatively

  • What you disclose depends on:

    • Relationship type

    • Context

    • Timing

2. Impression Management

  • Goal: control how others perceive you

  • Definition: managing impressions using verbal & nonverbal behavior

Six Impression Management Strategies

  1. Self-descriptions – talking about traits/accomplishments

  2. Accounts – explaining or excusing behavior

  3. Apologies – admitting fault while minimizing damage

  4. Entitlements & Enhancements

    • Entitlements: taking credit

    • Enhancements: emphasizing how great the outcome was

  5. Flattery – compliments to gain liking

  6. Favors – doing something nice to gain approval

Social Penetration Theory

  • Created by Irwin Altman & Dalmas Taylor

  • Relationships develop through gradual self-disclosure

  • Like peeling an onion

Key Concepts

  • Breadth: number of topics discussed

  • Depth: how personal those topics are

Stages

  1. Orientation – small talk

  2. Exploratory affective – sharing opinions & preferences

  3. Affective – deeper personal topics

  4. Stable – intimate disclosure

  5. Depenetration – withdrawal of disclosure (not always)

Johari Window

Developed by Joseph Luft & Harrington Ingham

Four Quadrants

  1. Open Self

    • Known to self & others

    • Grows with trust and disclosure

  2. Hidden Self

    • Known to self, not others

    • Decreases as relationships deepen

  3. Blind Self

    • Unknown to self, known to others

    • Reduced through feedback

  4. Unknown Self

    • Unknown to both self & others

    • Includes hidden talents or suppressed traits

7.3 Listening — Notes

Learning Objectives

  • Differentiate hearing vs. listening

  • Understand how to listen effectively

  • Recognize different types of listening

Hearing vs. Listening

Hearing

  • Passive

  • Physiological process (detecting sound vibrations)

  • Always occurring unless deaf or in sound-proof space

  • Does not require intention

Listening

  • Active process

  • Focused attention to understand meaning

  • Requires intention and mindfulness

Hearing = automatic
Listening = purposeful

Critical Listening

  • Careful, systematic evaluation of a message

  • Analyzing claims based on evidence

  • Goes beyond understanding → evaluates validity

Example:

  • “There’s never any parking.”

  • Critical listener questions the word never.

HURIER Model of Listening

Created by Judi Brownell

(HURIER = Hearing, Understanding, Remembering, Interpreting, Evaluating, Responding)

1. Hearing

  • First step: message must be received

  • Without hearing → communication doesn’t occur

  • Requires intentional attention

2. Understanding

  • Decoding the message

  • Making sense of words and meaning

  • If you can’t decode → no comprehension

3. Remembering

  • Ability to recall the message

  • Attention ≠ memory

  • Distractions commonly interrupt this stage

4. Interpreting

  • Assigning meaning

  • Includes:

    • Tone

    • Facial expressions

    • Context

    • Nonverbal cues

Example:
“I love math.”
→ Could be sincere or sarcastic depending on tone.

5. Evaluating

  • Judging message credibility or value

  • Biases, beliefs, and values influence this stage

  • Mindful listening requires nonjudgment

Big obstacle:

  • Pre-existing bias toward source or topic

6. Responding

  • Verbal or nonverbal feedback

  • Impacts relationship direction

Encouraging response:

  • “Tell me more.”

  • Nodding

Dismissive response:

  • Changing subject

  • Interrupting

Mindful Listening = COAL

  • Curiosity

  • Openness

  • Acceptance

  • Love

Taxonomy of Listening

Created by Andrew Wolvin & Carolyn Coakley

(Pyramid structure: foundational → higher order)

1. Discriminative Listening (Foundation)

  • Distinguishing between stimuli

  • Filtering what to pay attention to

  • Like sorting email (spam vs. important)

2. Comprehensive Listening (Foundation)

  • Understanding and remembering information

  • Aligns with HURIER stages:

    • Understanding

    • Remembering

Higher-Order Listening

3. Therapeutic Listening

  • Being a sounding board

  • Supporting others emotionally

  • Common in friendships & helping professions

4. Critical Listening

  • Evaluating validity and logic

  • Determining message acceptability

5. Appreciative Listening

  • Listening for enjoyment

  • Example:

    • Music

    • Movies

    • Performances

Listening Styles

Defined by Kittie Watson, Larry Barker, & James Weaver

Listening style = preferences in receiving information

1. People-Oriented Listener

Focus: Feelings & relationships

Traits

  • Empathetic

  • Compassionate

  • Emotion-focused

  • Good at relationship building

Strengths

  • Strong emotional awareness

  • Supportive

Weaknesses

  • Overly involved emotionally

  • May ignore flaws

Best Strategy

  • Use stories

  • Show vulnerability

  • Use emotional appeals

  • Use “we” language

2. Action-Oriented Listener

Focus: Efficiency & clarity

Traits

  • Wants speaker to get to the point

  • Prefers organization

  • Direct & logical

Strengths

  • Task-focused

  • Organized

Weaknesses

  • Impatient

  • Jumps to conclusions

Best Strategy

  • Keep main points ≤ 3

  • Be concise

  • Use step-by-step structure

  • Speak at controlled, quick pace

3. Content-Oriented Listener

Focus: Information & logic

Traits

  • Loves detail

  • Analyzes thoroughly

  • Wants full evidence before judging

Strengths

  • Welcomes complex ideas

  • Looks at all sides

Weaknesses

  • Overly detail-focused

  • Slow decision-making

Best Strategy

  • Provide data

  • Use expert quotes

  • Offer two-sided arguments

  • Use charts/graphs

4. Time-Oriented Listener

Focus: Time management

Traits

  • Clock watcher

  • Easily impatient

  • May multitask

Strengths

  • Efficient

  • Sets clear time boundaries

Weaknesses

  • Interrupts

  • Misses information

Best Strategy

  • Ask how much time they have

  • Get to bottom line quickly

  • Avoid unnecessary examples

Important Notes

  • Most people are a combination of styles

  • Common combo:

    • Action + Time = wants brief, efficient info

  • Hard combo:

    • People + Time (empathy requires time)

7.4 Listening Responses — Notes

Learning Objectives

  • Discuss types of listening responses

  • Discern different types of questioning

  • Analyze perception checking

Why Listening Responses Matter

  • Good listeners are recognized by:

    • Verbal responses

    • Nonverbal cues

  • No single response works in every situation

  • Effective communication depends on choosing the right response for the moment

Types of Listening Responses

Based on research by Ronald Adler, Lawrence Rosenfeld, and Russell Proctor

Eight Types of Listening Responses

  1. Silent listening

  2. Questioning

  3. Paraphrasing

  4. Empathizing

  5. Supporting

  6. Analyzing

  7. Evaluating

  8. Advising

1. Silent Listening

  • Saying nothing

  • Powerful when used appropriately

  • Shows openness to speaker’s ideas

Appropriate When:

  • You don’t want to encourage more talking

  • Speaker needs time to reflect

  • Counseling or emotional situations

Risks:

  • Can be misinterpreted as:

    • Disinterest

    • Avoidance

    • Not listening

2. Questioning

  • Used to gain information or clarity

  • Should be sincere and nondirective

Reasons for Questioning

  • Clarify meanings

  • Understand thoughts, feelings, and desires

  • Encourage elaboration

  • Promote discovery

  • Gather facts and details

Types of Questions

Sincere Questions

  • Asked to genuinely receive information

Counterfeit Questions

  • Disguised statements

  • Can make others defensive

Examples:

  • Hidden agenda: “Do you have $5?”

  • Assumptive: “Why aren’t you listening?”

  • Correct-answer questions: “Do I look fat?”

3. Paraphrasing

  • Restating the speaker’s message in your own words

  • Demonstrates mindful listening

Three Types

  1. Rewording speaker’s message

  2. Giving an example

  3. Reflecting underlying theme

Benefits

  • Ensures understanding

  • Builds agreement

  • Common in counseling and professional settings

4. Empathizing

  • Identifying with the speaker’s feelings

  • Communicates emotional understanding

NOT Empathy:

  • Minimizing feelings:

    • “It’s not a big deal.”

    • “Who cares?”

These responses judge or dismiss emotions.

5. Supporting

  • Showing endorsement or encouragement

Supportive Responses Include:

  • Agreement

  • Praise

  • Reassurance

  • Offers of help

  • Diversion

Effective Support Requires:

  • Sincerity

  • Receiver’s ability to accept support

  • Focus on the here and now

Benefits:

  • Improves psychological, physical, and relational health

6. Analyzing

  • Offering interpretations or alternative perspectives

  • Helps explore solutions

Risks:

  • Confusing the speaker

  • Being perceived as judgmental

Guidelines:

  • Offer analysis tentatively

  • Ensure it’s likely accurate

  • Confirm speaker is receptive

  • Motive must be to help

7. Evaluating

  • Appraising speaker’s thoughts or behaviors

Can Be:

  • Positive: “That makes sense.”

  • Negative:

    • Critical

    • Constructive (non-critical)

Most Effective When:

  • Evaluation is requested

  • Feedback is constructive, not a putdown

8. Advising

  • Giving recommendations or solutions

  • Can be risky if misused

Four Conditions for Advising:

  1. Speaker is receptive

  2. Speaker is ready

  3. Advice is sound

  4. Speaker won’t blame you if it fails

Perception and Communication

What Is Perception?

  • Our interpretation of people and events

  • Perceptions change over time

  • Often affects:

    • How we listen

    • How we respond

    • How we communicate

People don’t always change—our perceptions do

Perception Process

1. Selection

What we pay attention to

Influenced By:

  • Intensity (loud, bright, big)

  • Repetition

  • Differences

  • Motives & goals

  • Emotions

2. Organization

  • How we arrange information

  • Includes:

    • Stereotyping

    • Labeling

    • Punctuation (cause–effect thinking)

Key idea:

  • Conflict is perceived differently by each person

3. Interpretation

Making sense of information

Influenced By:

  • Degree of involvement

  • Relational satisfaction

  • Past experiences

  • Assumptions about people

  • Expectations

  • Knowledge of others

4. Negotiation

  • Sharing perspectives to reach understanding

  • Often through storytelling

  • Used in:

    • Conflicts

    • Breakups

    • Legal situations

Goal:

  • Understand what happened and what to do next

Influences on Perception

Physiological

  • Senses

  • Age

  • Health

  • Hunger

  • Biological cycles (morning vs. night people)

Psychological

  • Mood

  • Self-concept

Social

  • Gender roles

  • Occupational roles

Cultural

  • Cultural values shape meaning

  • Western cultures:

    • Value talk

    • Dislike silence

  • Many Asian cultures:

    • Value silence

    • View talkativeness negatively

Cultural misunderstandings can cause communication breakdowns.

Research Spotlight

Study by Karina J. Lloyd and colleagues (2015)

Key Findings:

  • Perceived listening:

    • Increases social attraction

    • Builds trust

    • Improves message clarity

    • Enhances wellbeing

➡ Feeling heard matters as much as being heard.

Perception Checking

What Is Perception Checking?

A strategy to improve accuracy in understanding others

Three Steps:

  1. Describe your perception of the behavior

  2. Offer three possible interpretations

  3. Ask for clarification

Purpose:

  • Reduce misunderstandings

  • Improve relationships

  • Avoid jumping to conclusions