psychotherapy Gotman
What is the frequency and timing of divorce: 40-50% of marriages end in divorce, Over ½ of all divorces occur in 1st 7 years
What are the negative consequences of divorce for adults: psychopathology, auto accidents, illness, suicide, violence, homicide, decreased longevity, immunosuppression, & mortality,
What are the negative consequences of divorce for adults and children: depression, withdrawal, poor social competence, health problems, poor academic performance, conduct related difficulties, decreased longevity
What are the consequences for children of divorce: may face academic and emotional challenges, such as difficulty concentrating in school or feeling anxious or depressed Sometimes, children may blame themselves for the divorce, thinking they did something wrong, which can affect their self-esteem.
What are the consequences for Children in unhappy marriages: may witness arguments, tension, or even violence between their parents, which can be distressing and affect their emotional well-being. Living in a home with constant conflict can create a tense and negative atmosphere, where children may feel stressed or anxious.
Parents in an unhappy marriage may: have less energy or emotional resources to devote to their children, resulting in less quality time or attention. Children may learn unhealthy patterns of communication or conflict resolution from their parents' unhappy relationships, potentially affecting their own future relationships.
Factors that DO predict divorce: Harsh start up of conflict discussion, 5:1 or greater negative (four horsemen) than positive (repair) during conflict discussion, Emotional disengagement, Perpetual issues gridlocked, Repair attempts fail, & Little positive affect expressed in non conflict discussions.
Factors that DON'T predict divorce: the amount of arguments, differences in interests, length of courtship/engagement, and financial problems are not reliable predictors of divorce
Myths about divorce: Divorce is mainly caused by big issues or dramatic events, Good communication will prevent divorce, Children from divorced families are always worse off, A happy marriage means no conflict, & Divorce will bring happiness and solve all problems.
How Gottman studies marriage: Recorded behavior, perception, and physiology of 650 couples in a naturalistic apartment setting over 24 hours, focused on questions like How was your day, (After separation of 8 hours), Discuss an ongoing disagreement, Talk about enjoyable topics, Lastly followed couples over many years to see who stayed happily married, unhappily married, or divorced.
Core Triad of Balance: Interactive behavior, perception, physiology
What is the Rapid Couple Interaction Scoring System: 3 minutes of conversation about an ongoing area of difficulty, the focus is a ratio of positive to negative exchanges during conflict resolution, are tallied (Physiological measures taken, & are Highly stable over time)
What are the two types of unhappy marriages, and what are their features: High conflict (High in 4 horsemen, with few Repair attempts), and Emotionally Disengaged (Poor marital friendship, Conflict Avoidance leads to distance & Isolation)
What are the four horsemen: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, & Stonewalling
Criticism: Any statement implying there is something wrong with your partner’s character (“you are lazy & inconsiderate”). It can include “always” and “never” statements (“You always make me do all the work.” or, “you didn’t put your dish away.”)
Defensiveness: Attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter-complaint, blaming your partner for your mistake, or refusing to admit any fault (“You didn’t pick up your dish.”, then responding with, “That’s not my dish, and anyway, what about your messy closet?”)
Contempt: Any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner. Includes things like mocking, eye-rolling, and disgust. (Related to illness in wives over 4 years.)
Stonewalling: When the listener withdraws from the conversation. Includes things like leaving, looking down, don’t say much, control facial expressions to hide emotion (More common in men than women)
What is the sequence of the four horsemen: Criticism -> Defensiveness -> Contempt -> Stonewalling
What are the consequences of ongoing conflict in a marriage: emotional distance, erosion of trust and intimacy, increased negativity and hostility, & negative impact on physical health
What are the characteristics of healthy marriages: Positive/Negative interaction ratio at least 5:1, Negative interactions occur, as do criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (not usually contempt), BUT negative interactions followed by frequent effective repair attempts, Low threshold for negative interactions, initiate repair early in conflict, Husband accepts influence from wife, searches for common ground on problems, & Positive effect in non-conflict interactions.
What are repair attempts: Comment on the communication, Support and soothing each other, Expressing appreciation to soften complaints, Tease or use humor
What are perpetual problems, and what is the goal for handling them: Most (2/3) of issues couples face will never be resolved. They arise due to fundamental differences in temperament, personality, and values
↳May not be a “right or wrong”
↳Gridlocked vs in Dialogue
How do couples respond physiologically to conflict: These physiological responses can include increased heart rate, sweating, higher blood pressure, and changes in hormones. It's like their bodies are getting ready for a physical fight or flight response, even though they are just disagreeing, these can happen because conflict can be stressful and our bodies react to stress in different ways.
Diffuse physiological arousal (DPA): Strong reaction of sympathetic nervous system, similar to a panic attack. When this happens during conflict: There’s a reduced ability to process information, it’s harder to learn new behaviors, revert to habit, & you go into fight or flight, problem-solving out the window
DPA results from anger coupled with helplessness, High DPA in conflict predicts: divorce
Chronic DPA related to immunosuppression, Important that couple can soothe each other when in DPA: true
What are the three types of happy marriages and their characteristics: Conflict Avoiding, Validating, and Volatile
Conflict-Avoiding: minimize persuasion attempts and instead emphasize their areas of common ground. They avoid conflict, avoid expressing what they need from one another, and congratulate their relationship for being generally happy, & have a balance between independence and interdependence. They have clear boundaries and are separate people with separate interests.
Validating: During a conflict discussion, they begin persuasion immediately and they stick to it throughout the discussion. Their debating is characterized by a lot of laughter, shared amusement, and humor. They seem to love to debate and argue, but they are not disrespectful and insulting. Their positive-to-negative ratio is five to one.
Volatile: The interaction of these couples is characterized by ease and calm. They are somewhat expressive but mostly neutral. They put a lot of emphasis on supporting and understanding their partner’s point of view, and are often empathetic about their partner’s feelings.
What are the levels of the "sound marital house" and what makes up each level: Marital Friendship, positive sentiment, Conflict Regulation, & Creating Shared Meaning
Marital Friendship: Refers to a friendship built by many everyday non-conflict interactions, think ideas of Cognitive room (mental space that is devoted to the relationship), Frequent, spontaneous expressions of fondness & admiration, * Turning towards instead of away
Positive Sentiment: When the foundation of friendship is strong, it leads to positive sentiment override (assumption that spouse means well). If not, negative sentiment overrides.
↳With positive sentiment override, you get effective repair and repair attempts at low levels of negativity.
Conflict Regulation: Establishing dialogue (not gridlock) with perpetual Issues, Solving solvable problems with basic skills, & Physiological soothing (usually self-soothing).
Creating Shared Meaning: Meshing individual life dreams, Meshing rituals of connection, goals, roles, myths, narratives, and metaphors, this feeds back into foundation of marital friendship
Criticize/Defend/Counterdefend cycle & how to break it: Criticism, then you find the truth, take responsibilty, and create constructive dialogue
Features of healthy complaining: Focused on Specific Behavior, Expresses Feelings Without Blame, Constructive and Solution-Oriented, Maintains Respect and Kindness, Timing and Context Awareness, & Listening and Validation: Both partners listen to each other’s complaints and validate their feelings. This means acknowledging the other person’s perspective and showing empathy.
Features of unhealthy complaining: Generalizing and Attacking Character, Blaming and Criticizing, Lack of Constructiveness, Disrespectful and Hurtful Language, Poor Timing and Context, Failure to Listen and Validate: In unhealthy complaining, there’s often a lack of listening and validation. The focus is on venting rather than understanding or resolving the issue.
Example Comparisons of complaints: Healthy Complaint (“I felt hurt when you didn’t call me back last night. I worry when I don’t hear from you. Can we agree to check in if we’re running late?”), versus Unhealthy Complaint: (“You never think about my feelings. You’re so inconsiderate for not calling me back!”)
Consequences of avoiding conflict: flooding (DPA),
Risk factors for affairs: Growing up in a family or culture where affairs are accepted. Valuing risk-taking/excitement over stability, Peers who are engaging in affairs, & Emotional distance in your marriage
Ways to increase intimacy for conflict-avoiding couples: Engage in Small Acts of Kindness, Share Personal Stories and Experiences, Prioritize Physical Touch, Express Appreciation and Gratitude, Schedule Quality Time Together, Practice Active Listening, Explore New Activities Together, Create Rituals of Connection, Work on Emotional Disclosure, or Seek Therapy if Needed
How to handle DPA/Flooding: notice signs of flooding—similar to anxiety, agree to take a 20-min break when you detect signs of flooding, set a specific time to return to the discussion, then during the break, self-soothe with relaxation breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, pleasant imagery. Avoid distressing thoughts about your partner. When ready, resume discussion in attentive, respectful way
What to do if you have trouble identifying feelings: Make a List of Emotions, Reflect on Physical Sensations, Take Your Emotional Temperature, Use Emotion Cards, Practice Mindfulness, Discuss with Your Partner, or Seek Professional Help
Harsh start-up: Beginning conflict discussion with a criticism
How to avoid a harsh start-up: soften them up (still say what’s wrong but in a much softer way)
How to accept influence: Keep in mind being “right” is less important than solving problems and getting along. A partner who will not accept influence has less power because other partner will not be motivated to go along with his ideas, then the Aikido principle believes in yielding to your opponent to win (do this by making statements or asking questions to learn more about your partner’s position)
Effect of denial of angry feelings: leads to distance, partners may feel that expressing anger is dangerous and threatens the relationship. However, when conflict is avoided, intimate thoughts and feelings are not discussed, over the years, resentments fester and couple grows apart, or anger leaks out at inappropriate or unexpected moments.
Positive sides of anger: Activating, empowering emotion in response to injustice, being treated unfairly, or being blocked from goals. It also Motivates you to express your needs, and they’re addressed, empathy for anger is important for psychological health and feelings of closeness.
Negative sides of anger: being emotionally dismissive or critical, or becoming defensive
How to respond to anger: Recognize the right to be angry, Complain instead of criticize, Treat anger with respect; try to understand the source of your partner’s anger through questioning. (What do you want to see happen here, How can I help you, What’s standing in your way, What seems unfair about this? Seek understanding before giving advice)
Effect of kids on marriage: Positive Effects (Creating a Stronger Bond, Shared Identity and Purpose, Increased Emotional Intimacy, Strengthening Communication, Shared Responsibilities) vs Negative Effects (Less Couple Time, Increased Stress, Financial Strain, Sleep Deprivation, & Shifting Priorities)
Risks of "child-centered" family: kids can become a great distraction- a convenient way to ignore your need for adult conversation or romance, or to sidestep marital problems that ought to be addressed
How to plan for spontaneity: Schedule regular dates, 1-2/ month, and schedule regular trips away from kids, at least 2/ year. Dating is often not spontaneous, before or after kids.
Turning towards bids for connection: Bids can be for attention, connection, affection, help, empathy, etc. Partners can turn towards, away, or against. When a partner turns away or is against, it harms the relationship and makes the partner withdraw. Partners should look for opportunities to turn toward their partner’s bids
Describe the exercise for handling conflict: The purpose is to increase feelings of intimacy and closeness, building the foundation of friendship in the “sound marital house.” Good intervention for couples who are not sharing their thoughts and feelings and are not feeling close. Set aside quiet time to discuss a SINGLE issue. Designate one person as a speaker, and one as a listener Speaker goes first, telling everything they want to about their point of view The listener can take notes, and ask questions to increase understanding. The listener may not try to solve the problem, persuade the speaker, or present their own views at this time. After the speaker is done, the listener summarizes the speaker's point of view. The speaker clarifies any misunderstandings. Roles are reversed and steps are repeated. After positions are fully understood, persuasion can
begin
What are signs of "gridlock" with perpetual issues, how can it be broken: Express little amusement or affection when discussing, take issue personally, feel rejected when it comes up, Make each other villains (totally right or wrong, Dig in heels, refuse to compromise, Spin their wheels, no progress in discussion, & Become emotionally distant, disengaged
Breaking Gridlock: Explore the dreams within your disagreement. Behind a minor conflict over an outing with extended family or how much is spent, larger issues may lurk
How to respond to dreams within a conflict: Identify the dream, Identify the speaker and listener, & Listener interviews the speaker, (Questions to think about are things like What’s important to you about this dream, What’s the most important part? Why is that important Is there a story behind this? Tell me the story, Tell me your feelings about this dream, Do you have fear about not having this dream honored, etc.) When speaker finishes, switch roles, after both discuss dreams, look for ways each person can be flexible to honor partner’s dreams. This can range from respecting your partner’s dream to actually making it happen