I'm glad I gave up on dating

I have recently given up on dating and even finding people attractive. Truly, it was making me feel like shit. I am so sick of constantly feeling rejected and cast aside by people who were not that fantastic, to begin with.

I am especially sick of seeing other women happy with their partners. I am sick of being happy for people who are in relationships. I have come to the conclusion that nobody really deserves me. There is no point in me even giving someone the mildest impression that I fancy them because every time I do, it seems that my affection is just used as a boost to that person’s ego.

Additionally, liking someone does not obligate them to be accountable or care about your feelings. With this in mind, I notice myself harbouring really difficult feelings and having to heal from a lot of pain, all for the sake of someone who does not notice my existence. It is such a painful thing to have to work through. Every time you like a new person, you think it’s going to be different. You’re deluded into believing that someone will finally meet you halfway and acknowledge your feelings, but they never do. It is always a trap. Why would I want to go through that over and over again? It isn’t making me feel more confident, and it isn’t even yielding any positive results or favourable outcomes. There is no point.

Honestly, I am truly afraid of romance. I am so tired of being rejected that I do not want to try. I have no interest in dating or finding solace in another person anymore. I have been shown over and over and over again that I am never the ideal candidate for the person I desire. I have constantly been shown that I am unworthy of the kind of person I am attracted to. I have constantly been shown that the only person I can get is someone I am not interested in or attracted to whatsoever. Message fucking received. I’m done.

Although I consider myself attractive and confident and possess multiple desirable characteristics, that doesn't make the people I am attracted to. I’m Indian. For whatever reason, we are just bottom fucking tier in every single social standing to ever exist. No one fucken likes us man. The rank is white women, black women, coloured women, every other obscure minority of women and then, then if you hop on a spiritual tour bus to hell, get on an elevator that does 100 floors down there you’ll find our rank on the tier list of attractive women. People fucking hate us, bro. We are the least desirable demographic of women in this fucking country. I am so sick of it. The amount of things I have to do to stand out and be noticed is absolutely fucking ridiculous. I have been losing to white women, especially my whole fucking life. I’m so tired of having to bear the burden of being attractive, smart, funny, charismatic, talented, and skilled and having all of that constantly overlooked for a white woman who’s like a 5/10 on a good day. I am exhausted. I am scared. I give up. I know I say it a lot, but I really mean it this time. It is infuriating to understand yourself to be a great person and ideal partner and not be chosen or acknowledged by anyone except old men and hideous losers. It is so fucking confusing. It is so fucking exhausting to constantly ponder what the fuck could possibly be wrong with you every single time you feel rejected by someone you like.

I feel like I am not allowed to find people attractive. Whenever I see someone I think is attractive, I tell myself that I will be rejected because I will be. I am a great fucking person, I do not deserve to be continuously thrust into an emotional state of chaos and disarray while someone who is not nearly as great as I am gets what I want.

I knew this would happen. I knew that eventually, I was going to get so fed up with my romantic disarray and distress that I was going to give up all hope and romantic prospects. I knew that if I did not get some positive and validating feedback, it was going to push me to the point of no return, and clearly, that is what the universe wanted for me. Y’all wanted me to fucking give up and be hurt and afraid and completely unwilling to ever try again. Well, congrats, that worked out nicely, I guess. I’m done.

Even if the most ideal candidate dropped in my life today, it wouldn’t matter. I’d be way too deep in my fear and giving up to care or notice anyway. Being constantly rejected doesn’t build resistance or make you more confident or more desensitized. It just made me more afraid, less confident and more insecure. I have to constantly be more and be better, not because I want to necessarily, but rather to bulletproof myself from the pain of rejection. I’ll be romantically lonely, but at least I won’t be subjected to romantic distress, and I have to be lonely in healing. I’m good luv, enjoy.