chapter 12: Investing in Relationships that Last

What is Love?

• Love is not a single, simple phenomenon; there are multiple kinds of love that a person can feel toward different people

• A key feature across many definitions: investment in the other’s well-being for the other’s own sake (selfless or caregiving orientation)

• Types of love discussed: romantic love, parental love, non-sexual love between adult friends, caring love for a chronically ill person; caring for others regardless of personal gain may be a defining aspect of love in general

• Two main forms distinguished by research:

  • Passionate love (romantic love): intense longing, desire, excitement; want to spend vast amounts of time with the beloved; intense arousal; often includes sex
  • Companionate love (affectionate love): calmer, deeper mutual understanding, caring, and commitment; sense of the partner as a soulmate or best friend; essential for long-term stability

• Neurochemistry: passionate love associated with high levels of phenylethylamine (PEA), a neurotransmitter linked to arousal and sexual desire; companionate love lacks these elevated PEA levels

  • ext{PEA} is a leading candidate chemical for the passion experience, though other chemicals may also be involved

• Love across culture: passion may be universal in its existence, but cultural forms differ; cross-cultural research (e.g., Jankowiak) suggests romantic passion is broadly found across cultures, though expressions and social meanings vary

• Love across time: passion tends to peak early and decline; companionate love tends to grow and persist, becoming the foundation for long-term stability

• Sexual frequency tends to drop over time in marriages (approx. from 18 times/month in the first year to 9 times/month in the second year), then declines more slowly as couples age

• Quality of sex vs. frequency: married couples tend to have higher frequency but shorter sex acts; single people may have longer, more varied sexual experiences; quality can improve with experience and emotional closeness

• Mistaking the decline of passion for loss of love is common; the transition from passion to companionate love helps marriages endure

• Practical implication: successful long-term relationships typically require a transition from high passion to high intimacy and commitment

Passionate and companionate love

• Distinction: passionate love involves strong emotional arousal and sexual excitement; companionate love involves deep mutual understanding, trust, and long-term commitment
• Passion arises quickly and can fade; intimacy grows over time and can continue to increase with ongoing closeness
• Commitment is a conscious decision that stabilizes the relationship over time; can support the relationship during conflicts
• Relationships can be characterized by different mixtures of the three components (passion, intimacy, commitment)
  • High intimacy and commitment but low passion might describe a long-term, stable marriage
  • High passion and commitment but low intimacy might describe a whirlwind romance that lasts only briefly
• The shift from passionate to companionate love is explained by Sternberg: changing mixture of the three ingredients over time
• Ideal relationship would have substantial levels of all three components; absence of all three indicates no love
• Time courses: passion rises quickly and then declines; intimacy rises slowly and can continue to rise; commitment becomes settled at key points (e.g., marriage)

Love and culture

• Passionate love is linked to biological processes (e.g., PEA) but culture can moderate or shape expression
• Romantic love is argued to be universal by some anthropologists, though cultural norms shape its expression and the acceptability of passion across societies
• Culture can influence how love is practiced and valued, but does not completely determine its existence

Love across time

• Companionate love is more stable in long-term relationships and marriages; it develops gradually and can sustain relationship quality over decades
• Passionate love tends to be shorter-lived and can decline even in highly romantic relationships; without growth in intimacy, relationships risk stagnation or dissolution
• The ability to transition from passion to companionship is critical for long-term relationship success

Sternberg's triangle

• Sternberg’s model posits three components of love: ext{Passion}, ext{Intimacy}, ext{Commitment}
• Definitions:
  • ext{Passion}: emotional state with high arousal (increased heart rate, blood pressure), sexual desire and longing
  • ext{Intimacy}: feeling of closeness, mutual understanding, empathy, concern for partner’s welfare
  • ext{Commitment}: conscious decision to maintain the relationship over time
• Combination of components defines relationship type; no love if none present
• Time courses: passion spikes early and declines, intimacy grows gradually and can persist, commitment grows as decisions are made (e.g., exclusivity, marriage)
• The model explains why many long-term relationships succeed: sustained intimacy and commitment can compensate for waning passion

Different types of relationships

• Not all people and relationships are the same; two major types are:
  • Exchange relationships: based on reciprocity and direct benefits; goods, services, or rewards exchanged with expectation of return
  • Communal relationships: based on mutual care and concern; acts are done to benefit the other without explicit repayment expectations
• Examples:
  • Exchange: a family dentist and loyal patient; transactions and fairness guide interactions
  • Communal: sisters supporting each other without keeping track of repayment
• Key differences include tracking of contributions (who did what) and whether resources are pooled
• In lab measures of communal vs. exchange orientation, people who pool resources or share a single account tend toward communal patterns
• Generally, communal relationships are viewed as more mature and healthier for close relationships; exchange relationships can drive societal progress and wealth
• In modern societies, people often attempt to balance both types: work networks emphasize exchange; families emphasize communal care

Loving people who love themselves

• Popular belief: you must love yourself before you can love others; origins in Erikson, Rogers, Maslow but evidence is weak
• Self-esteem and intimate relationships:
  • Both very low and very high self-esteem can be problematic for relationships
  • Low self-esteem can lead to distrust and fear of abandonment; high self-esteem can lead to ending relationships more quickly if dissatisfied
• Narcissism (extremely high self-love) tends to harm relationships; narcissists may seek better partners and show fewer positive interactions with their current partner
• Self-acceptance (a minimal form of self-love) is associated with more positive relationship interactions
• Overall, extremes of self-love or self-hate can harm intimacy; secure self-regard tends to support healthier relationships

Maintaining relationships

• Longitudinal research shows two broad outcomes for couples over time: stable good relationships or downward spirals toward dissolution
• Temptation and jealousy: exposure to attractive others can predict breakup; found differences in how men and women respond to threats
  • Women tend to increase commitment when confronted with an attractive alternative; men may reduce commitment or view alternatives more favorably
• Stressful conflicts, attribution styles, and trust influence maintenance:
  • Attributions: happy couples tend to use a relationship-enhancing style (good acts attributed to internal qualities; bad acts attributed to external factors)
  • Unhappy couples show a distress-maintaining pattern (good acts attributed to external factors; bad acts attributed to internal qualities)
  • Trust reduces the perceived severity of misdeeds and increases resilience
• Optimistic biases and romanticised memories help maintain the illusion that the relationship is great, but can become maladaptive during breakup
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