Just Because You Failed Doesn't Make You a Failure
The Concepts of Failure and Failing
Conceptual Distinction: There is a fundamental difference between "failing" (an event) and "failure" (an identity or static state).
Failing as an Event: Failing is a static moment in time, often an external event caused by purposeful actions, inadvertent mistakes, or third-party factors.
Failure as an Identity: Failure occurs when an individual allows a negative event to seep into their DNA or live with them long-term, creating emotional setbacks.
The Inevitability of Failing: No individual can navigate life without failing. It is an essential part of evolution and the human condition. If one is not failing, they are not human; they are a robot.
Common Phrases Associated with Failure: Generation X grew up with specific, often harsh, language surrounding lack of success:
"What's your problem?"
"Just stop trying."
"You're never going to succeed."
"Get your act together."
"You let yourself and us down."
"You're weak."
"It was so easy."
"You weren't good enough."
"Why can't you shake it off?"
Generational Perspectives on Success and Support
The Greatest Generation: Survivors of World War I and the Great Depression.
They had nothing and worked hard to rebuild the world economy.
Coming back from war damaged, they lacked mental health resources and focused on "sucking it up."
This generation was often incapable of providing emotional affection to their children.
The Baby Boomers: Children of the Greatest Generation.
They observed their parents' financial and emotional struggles and developed a tendency to hoard resources and money.
They were often raised without much affection as their parents were focused on survival and work.
The 1950s/60s Generation (Parents of Gen X):
Experienced a lack of structure and positive reinforcement.
Became the "free love" generation, experimenting with drugs and seeking a lack of structure.
Generation X: Described by Professor Stedman as the "most feral generation."
Raised by parents who let them run free but instilled a strict ideal: college was not an option, but a requirement.
They became extremely resilient but also neurotic due to a lack of emotional support.
Generation Z: Growing up in a vastly different world dominated by the internet and computers.
There is a contemporary focus on moving away from the "suck it up" mentality.
The goal now is to listen, communicate, and provide for the specific needs of this generation rather than repeating cycles of blame.
Categorizing and Healing from Setbacks
The Scale of Failure: Failures should be contextualized to determine their severity.
Paper Cut Failures: Minor incidents (e.g., oversleeping, missing an 'A' on a midterm). These heal quickly, leave no scars, and can often be joked about within weeks.
Emergency Room/Scar Failures: Significant events that leave emotional scars.
The Danger of Scars: People often "rub" their emotional scars when things go wrong, taking themselves back to the moment of trauma.
Reframing Scars: Scars should be viewed as "superpowers" that make an individual uniquely special and wise, rather than definitions of their character.
The Mourning Process: It is necessary to mourn a true failure to put it in the past.
Stedman's Catharsis Method:
Initial Stage: Listening to Adele for an hour or a day to fully lean into the sadness.
Transition Stage: Setting a time limit (e.g., "I can mourn all Friday"), then switching to upbeat music like The Who, The Clash, or Led Zeppelin.
Other Tools: Cathartic activities such as baking can help process the event before moving on.
Failure in the Context of Law School
First-Year (1L) Specifics: Students often feel intense shame over "cold calls" or midterms.
Cold Calls: Students often feel a bad cold call is life-ruining. However, professors and peers rarely remember these events; the student is usually the only one carrying the memory.
Midterm Grades: Getting a grade below the median or even a does not prevent a student from graduating or having a successful career.
Long-term Career Reality:
Law school data (specific grades, Bar exam scores) matters primarily for the first job.
For the second, third, or fourth job, employers care about professional abilities and work history, not a Sales midterm grade from years prior.
Impostor Syndrome: This is a universal experience within the law school building; everyone from students to faculty experiences it at some point.
Personal Development and Community
Internal Improvement: Focus on one area for genuine improvement that creates pride (e.g., the gym, volunteering, or pet adoption).
The "Randy" Example: Stedman describes a personal failure of spending excessive energy trying to make someone she disliked ("Randy") like her. This was a waste of time. Energy should instead be focused on real support groups.
The Need for a Small Community: You do not need the approval of an entire section or an online following. You need approximately three good friends you can be truly honest with.
Honesty about worst qualities and past mistakes builds the strongest bonds of trust.
Historical Examples of Successful "Failures"
Sir James Dyson:
Failed to create a working prototype times.
The attempt became the Dyson bagless vacuum.
He is now knighted and worth approximately .
Thomas Edison:
Was told in school he was "too stupid to learn anything."
He currently holds over patents, including the light bulb.
Oprah Winfrey: Fired from her first job; now a multi-billionaire.
Walt Disney: Fired from a job because he was told he "lacked imagination."
Abraham Lincoln:
Entered the military at a high rank (Captain) and was demoted to Private.
Failed to attend traditional law school (apprenticed instead) and faced many political defeats before becoming President.
Elizabeth Arden: Founded one of the world's largest cosmetic companies after failing out of nursing school.
Creative Professionals:
Steven Spielberg: Rejected from USC Film School twice.
George Lucas: Rejected for Star Wars funding multiple times.
Dr. Seuss: Received rejections for his first book.
Stephen King: His book Carrie was rejected by publishing companies.
Questions & Discussion
Student Question (Expectations vs. Failure): A student noted that for Gen Z, there was an "overcorrection" where everyone was expected to succeed (participation trophies). Therefore, failing felt like failing to meet a set expectation rather than an external event. This created internalized shame.
Stedman's Response: This is often a communication gap. Parents often say "I did my best," but children internalize the pressure. We need to define failing as a moment in time, not a personality characteristic.
Student Question (Social Media and Shame): A student asked if social media/cancel culture increases self-shame because there is no "grace" for normal mistakes.
Stedman's Response: Social media sets impossible standards (e.g., photoshopped yachts). It creates a need for external validation. It is better to focus on internal validation and recognize that those who shame others online often feel like failures themselves. We should give empathy to others, as we never know what triggering events are happening behind the scenes (e.g., traumatic family events).
Workshop Closing Activity:
Students were given two Post-it notes.
Post-it 1: Write down a greatest failure. Instructions: Throw this in the trash on the way out to symbolize it no longer defining you.
Post-it 2: Write down something you are proud of or like about yourself. Instructions: Keep this in a visible place (e.g., fridge or computer) to build a positive self-context and community.