Untitled

Idk.

Love at 13 is weird. Maybe it’s not love maybe it is. All I know is I don’t like this. Crying every day for what, a boy? Who couldn’t give a shit about me? I wish I never answered his message it would make life so much easier. But I did. So now all I can do is hope that this changes. Maybe I move on maybe we get together idk but I can’t do this for another term. Why tell me you love me on the first night of talking if you was just gonna treat me like shit. Why be my first kiss if you was just gonna tell my own best friend you don’t care about me and have “0 love and 0 interest”. What the actual fuck. Why can’t we just be together the way I imagined it in my head. Why can’t you just say you love me then actually show it. Why beg it when I talk to other boys, punch me every single fucking time you see me, break my bracelet, and then tell me you love me. Why can’t you just love me like a normal person. I was so gassed the day we spoke n you told me you loved me. Why kiss me in the first fucking place if you never meant to be my boyfriend. Not all your fault but i only kissed you with good intentions, I don’t fucking know what the point of you kissing me was. I see all these other people in their happy relationships and it hurts so bad cuz we could have been like that if you didn’t decide to be a dickhead. You’re the 2nd boy I’ve ever told I love you and meant so why do me like that. And again WHY WOULD YOU KISS ME knowing full well you didn’t give a flying fuck about me or my feelings. But despite all the tears I’ve cried despite all the shit you’ve done to me I still love you. And I really hope we can make this work sooner rather than later. I genuinely wouldn’t mind if it was low-key or whatever but at least something. I feel like we could be such a cute couple considering I’m one of the few people who don’t find you weird and genuinely enjoy your company. I love our little jokes about who’s taller when it’s so clear you’re taller. If it’s the fact that you’re scared I don’t love you trust me I do with all my heart and even though I’m not planning on sending this to you I really want the universe to make things work out. And your lips are so soft😅. For a first kiss not even gonna lie it was one of the best things that ever happened to me like even the way we hugged and ugh. Just you in general like your smile your laugh then weird faces you do your humour just you in general is so fucking perfect. And the fact that you’re taller than me and black is just so yeah. I’ve used so many of these TikTok audio things to try get us back together and it doesn’t seem to be working so like yeah I’m relying on the universe to get us back together because I truly love you.

Anyway I’m back again lol how sad a whole week and a bit later cuz we still ain’t together and I still love u

Soooo I’m back again a good month and a bit later and we’re still not together but again I still love you and I’m genuinely relying on the universe to do it’s thing for us because if we weren’t meant to be together I would’ve moved on already. And I feel like no matter how many times I try to move on the feelings I have are soooo strong so eventually I end up thinking about us again and then I make myself sadder than I need to because yeah. But again I don’t understand why you have to be such a bitch like it’s genuinely not that deep to be with me obviously I could just come and tell you the way I feel but I don’t think that would go very well. You’re still one of my favourite people in Hampstead despite everything and I really want us to go back to how we were on the first night of talking because I feel like we could have continued something on from there. I genuinely don’t mind if this is the most low-key thing out there even though it’s so bait I like you I just want us to know we’re together and maybe one close friend? I been saying I can’t do this anymore but then I go do it again but like yeah I’m again relying on the universe to do it’s thing for us because we could actually be cute together. I really miss you. I remember how gassed I was when we first started talking like I was genuinely so excited and then when we kissed I was just over the moon and now it just seems like all of that was fake.

Yooo I’m back again idk how long later but a lot long later. Still madly in love with u even though it’s been a bit of a mad month. Like you fully got a girlfriend and everything what the helllllllll. We still haven’t kissed again but like you’ve done told ur friends you would never kiss me and blah blah blah blah blah blah and you fully lied to my friend about us which is fine I guess cuz I know what happened and you know what happened so we gd. Icl this message is mostly to the universe so it understands that I genuinely can not do this anymore like we’re about to go into a new year and I’m still obsessed. And the saddest thing is we don’t even talk no more like it’s been a good week since we’ve spoken and on text idek how long it’s been. But yeah I’m still in love w u which is crazy because of how shitty you’ve treated me but it’s okay because ur still a beautiful human. But I miss us tbh. I keep having dreams about u.

Icl this isn’t funny anymore ab to go into 2024 and I still like u what di hell. I still remember what happened on September the 20th 2023 acc one of my favourite days this year. New year new us type shi I want that Icl. I wanna be tgth for 2024 cuz I rlly like yu. And yeah. Not sending u this but like incase the universe wants to kno I wanna be with him so badly. 9 mins till 2024 but like incase anybody wants to do me a favour and bring us together Icl I want himm.

This is just sad atp.

Yoooo I’m back we still ain’t together but it’s okay cuz we spoke in English n we sit bare close to each other soo we always talking n laughing at stuff so yhhh thanks. ❤

Nvm fuck life

Ion think ur getting the memo😅 BROO. I need a friendship at least like where we talk bares because wtf is dis airing??? It’s okay though because I’ve prayed on it and if God led me in it he will lead me through it and out of it. Amen

Heyyy back again we’ve already established our

I don’t understaaaaand I want this boy so bad like it ain’t even funny anymore. Bro I miss the day we had our first kiss like it was so fkin magical and now it’s gone just like dat like bro what did I do. I’ve literally done everything to try and get him to like me again but maybe he never did. Tbh he did tell u he had another girl while u lot was talking but still brooooooo fuk dis maynnnnnn. Like bro you clearly enjoyed kissing me dat you did it 2 more times like brobrooooo just feel the same way you did about me on that day today like how hard isit. Just not that deep but yh man. I’m praying that in English our seats are close to each other again bcs yeah idk man that’s the only way we 100% talk unless you call me. Which is rare but fun. I miss playing Roblox tgth tbh.🙂 like you was genuinely the only reason I started playing again but yk whatever. Bro I miss us so bad like we weren’t even officially dating and I still miss us do you kno how mad that is. But yh it is what it is ig but no it’s not dygi. Anyhoo I’m gonna be 14 soon so yay but yeah at the same time wtf why do I still like dis guy.bmt I want this guy so bad like I don’t even want him for nun of them bad intention things he’s just one of the funniest people I ever met and he acc makes me happy like bmt n he has such cute feautures like brooooo he’s jus so flipping perfect like how can a person be like that wth.

Lolololololol okay back again so this timeee we’ve kissed again yet I still feel shitty which is okay. Like when I said kissed I mean full make out session w tongue n everything like brazy brazy brazy brazyyyyy. Tbh my favourite part about it was just when we was just chilling tgth like I liked the lipsing but I like you more dygi. But since what happened we haven’t even spoken like had a full convo like we used to but ig it’s okay. I still think about u every second of the day which is okay bcs I guess I still like you even though I’m big 14 now and I started liking you august28th 2023 and we’re now in march 16th 2024. Slightly crazy but ionk I guess I just wanna talk more like I genuinely enjoy ur company and just chilling w u like I would listen to everythingggg u say. I still have that empty feeling bcs I think about you every second of the day and we don’t even talk like that no more but it’s okay. I think what I gotta do is just to pray on it cuz I’m genuinely lost  as to what’s going on here like there’s no way we’re not meant to be together but then it could just be me.

Lol ok back again we talked yesterday n today but it’s not enough bro like I acc js wanna chat to you and everytime we flipping talk i say something dumb like bro what. I js wanna chat to u but I can’t bcs idk what to say like I can’t start a convo and everytime u start I convo I always say some dumb shi at the end

BRO IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. we haven’t spoken for 6 FUCKING DAYSSSSSSSSSSSSS BRO. I’m actually losing it real bad like real real real real bad bro wtaffffffffff wdym we ain’t speaking? how can a man be on Roblox at stupid o’clock at night playing fucking touch the football but can’t message my phone once ye Ight. Prolly got a new girl or smth cuz wtaf. No msg no nothing I swr I’m acc losing my mind bcs agh. Prolly got a new girl tbh.

Ffs man it’s been a week n 1 day since we last spoke istg I’m losing my minddddd. It’s so annoying because like I actually miss you so fucking much and I can’t put my pride aside to msg u because ik u don’t feel the same and I’m not trynna get mocked. I had a dream about him nd even though he only featured for a couple seconds somehow that’s the part I remember most🙄. I actually hate us not talking it’s fucking killing me and all these couples on TikTok are so cute and even tho I obviously dk the reality of them some have cute moments. Bro we can’t even talk everyday let alone have a cute moment I’m actually so done with this bro.

Well well well still back in the same situation only everyday I’m missing him more nd more brooooooo Icl this is actually jarring cz I’ve been having a calm holiday but this is just ruining it so much

Yooo basically we spoken a bit more dis week but he’s been in isolation all week so on Tuesday we spoke after nd from den hes been inviting me to his houseee. Wednesday jammed badly idk wtf thas abt but brushhhhh I think he’s out today so maybe we might talk🙃

Hmm.

Wtf bro

We kissed on Tuesday bare

I’m gna lose my mind bcs why thefuck am I unadded???🤣🤣🤣🤣

I lost feelings what the hellll, like I ain’t gonna fully lie and say ah f him or whatever but like the feelings are definitely not strong at all

BRUVVVVVV WE LIPSEDDD FOR TIMEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEE SO MANY TIMESSSS

Loooooooooool ok I went today we lipsed a couple times it was minor but I still don’t like himm🤣🤣🤣

I’m so fucking confused rn all I wanted was a boyfriend and now I’ve got one and it’s not even him and I still miss him slightly but I have a boyfriend now so I can’t be missing him

“ion want u to take dis the wrong way but I can’t acc do the relationship thingg I think I told u before dat ion rlly like relationships they’re jus kinda long to me and I do like u but I do also wanna stay as gud friends cz I don’t think I wld treat u the same way u treat me which isn’t fair for yu” - what I said to the boyfriend I had. WTF is wrong w me chat like I’m so so so so happy the convo went well but what the hell bruhhh now we’re just besties but I’m so confused cah I thought I rlly wanted a relationship but now it’s js like do I rlly rlly??? Ik im over demar but now it’s like I’m over people in general

Soooo everything’s going very well not trynna jinx it touch wood but yeah life’s gudddd💕

Nope nope nope I’m still so fucked up about this guy what the hell bro. I’m not obsessed frfr but I miss him so bad like I wish I never ever ever did a ting w him cah know we’re not even close like that anymore. And I feel so bad for isaac like he’s so sweet but I don’t have any feelings for him at all because I’m not fully over this boy

Still bored it’s jarring man

I miss him so fucking bad it’s not fair that I let him treat me like that and then he just ignores me now like all I want is him and I can’t flipping gain feelings for anyone else because he still has my heart but he doesn’t deserve it cuz he doesn’t wanna give the same energy back because he’s a dumb bitch but moving on if you deep it in 2 days it would’ve been a year since we have had our first kiss and I think my heart knows that more then my brain because I’m missing him so bad and not even realising why but I hate him so much cuz all I want is him and all he wants is anyone but me which is just how it seems like why do I care so bad about this fucking nigga I’m gonna key his car when he gets one trust. Moving on though I can’t do this anymore like I might have to genuinely pack him cz I don’t like seeing him around it just ruins my day but it also makes me happy he’s so fucking annoying I actually really have so much hatred in my heart for this fucking cute alien. Apart from that life is Ight like I’ve  realised I need more friends to step out w maybe from out of skl like I’ve got Isaac always but I need an actual friend grp frfr like I’ve got my close friends and I’ve got aamiyah but I’m talking new ppl type shi. I also still miss demar but we move cah im genuinely not going out like this can’t fuck up my mind and then ignore me again I will actually kill him dpmo I’ll push him and his friends out of a window AND THAT FUCKING GIRL omds I haven’t even seen them talk but trust I’ll go for her next.

Ik this isn’t a great idea but thankyouuuu we spoke today and apparently we’re chilling tmr so fairs

Didn’t even see him nothing happened literally so dead so boring not demure or mindful

Dis dude actually got me fucked up bmt ans why is he walking street corners with different tings😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 not funny

brush tho that’s my friend👍🏾

I miss him so bad my heart can’t do it no more and every time we talk I always say some dumb shit and it’s so clear he’s not feeling my ting but I just like him so bad it’s not fair like if I could get over it I would but I can’t and it’s jarring cuz he’s the only thing that’s constantly on my mind at every single point during the day it’s so annoying why did he do me like that why did he have to be weird for just weird and ugly no no no never ugly he’s so leng it’s weird but anyway yeah I need him to spin bavk quickly

I miss him so baddddddd bruh

I hate him so fucking much genuinely this mocha got me crying over him like everyday I miss him so bad and I see him everyday and he just walks past me like rate convo and every time he says something I be saying some dumb shit like bro I just want us to be calm again.

Brehhhhhhhhhh

Idk mayn

New chapter maybe idk so I’m starting on my very successful journey to get over him and icl it’s going well like my heart still drops slightly when I see him but from when he told us about his whole colour wheel of tings I was put off soooo bad and it’s been a week and a day and I’m already making so much improvement I’ve even stopped thinking about him every single second of my day it’s so fun. I don’t rlly like anyone else but there’s this one guy who’s sly cute and he’s funny and he plays basketball😮. Jkjk but yh if anyone in Hampstead was an option trust it would be him cuz idk maybe im bugging maybe im not but when he messages me my heart drops even tho i expect it but i think its just cuz everything makes me nervous but yeah that’s pretty much it in a much better place still sometimes feeling sly lonely but I can deal with that from time to time it’s not that bad and yeahhh now i guess im just chilling😁

It’s been 22 days since I’ve been out off him and icl i was doing so well I genuinely stopped thinking about him fr like he features in my head occasionally but not on a romantic ting. And then on Monday we spoke after school but i think I handled that pretty well and it was all going so good but then today I just kept getting waves of just nothing like I felt so empty sometimes and then I was walking down the ramp and somehow we ended up talking and it wasn’t hilarious but it was a jokes conversation and then I was leaving but then I just felt empty asf walking away from him and I wanted to go back so bad just so I could try say something again but I just walked away and left it and then I had to go to my grandmas house and I genuinely couldn’t walk up the hill I wanted to go see him so bad but it’s not fair I’ve been doing so well but at the same time I sly haven’t. Cuz I’m over him but I still clock when he’s not in line up I still know he hasn’t been to assembly for a while I still kinda realise that he only comes line up on Fridays I still kinda hope he’s chilling upstairs at break and lunch I wouldn’t even mind if he got moved to one of my classes but yeah soooo idk man but I need to stop crying randomly like when I eventually found it in myself to actually go to my grandmas I just started crying but she was downstairs so I had to stop and now I’m sitting on the toilet crying but I’m actually gonna stop because it’s not worth it but I can’t cuz I thought I was over it and I don’t wanna be back on it that shit hurts so bad like I can’t even explain to anyone cuz he’s done me wrong so many times but I sly should’ve listened to Romario when he warned me that I should’ve left that boy alone but now cuz I told all my friends about the weird shit he’s on now if I tell people I want him back especially after his colour wheel they’re gonna think I’m insane but I sly don’t want him back idk what happened today I just miss him as a person like I miss the person I made him out to be in my head but more time he was never that person I was just a bit delusional but i still want him around in my life I just don’t want it to hurt so bad anymore

Anyways we’re back new problem yay so I must kind of like this new boy we’re not gonna name drop cuz I don’t wanna fully say it frfr but yh I sly like him and he’s nice and his voice is deeeeep and he’s funny right but like on text he’s dry asf and I must’ve just told him that my friend was lying ab something and he said I don’t care but I didn’t ask if he cared and he acc just ruined my day tbh cuz guys don’t need to have this energy it’s actually okay but yh man except that the day was calm

Okok so yk the new boy I mentioned so we was on the phone playing Roblox yall kno my ting den his avatar must’ve been mad still and I was confused and then I was just running circles around him then I clocked he’s acc not active so I was confused then all of a sudden I hear him snoring like damm falling asleep on the phone okkkkkk

Ok so the ting above this never escalated unfortunately like the call ended but I had a feeling his phone was gonna die but yeah man we’re just chilling frfr like I wanna start something but idk how to so I would prefer if he did it it would just make my life so much easier but yeah man currently I’m chilling I was thinking about Demar today which was weird but except from dat we chilling frfr

I’m fucking dying out here like my heart feels so off bro like idk if it’s d or if it’s m or anyone idk maynnnnnn but yea

Chilling idk brooooo

I feel bad for him but I’m also so confused because it’s like I used to like him so bad like I used to prioritise him real bad and now it’s like finding out his friends don’t rate him it’s crazy cuz like I genuinely thought that no one that was close to him would ever drop him as a friend so to see it live o is crazyyyy. I don’t actually get it though like yh he can be a lot but he’s lovable and he doesn’t acc deserve to be done like dat no matter how jarring ppl think he is cz moretime he’s just a chill guy and he’s acc not as annoying as ppl make him out to be that’s my personal opinion obviously his friends have his own vendetta against him I hope he’s okay though. I don’t like him anymore but I still have love for him and I do hope he’s okay and I hope friends that appreciate him and are good for him come into his life

I’ve been deeping it icl I didn’t deserve that like I pushed my boundaries for him I left my comfort zone entirely I lied to my mum I ignored my friends advice I let myself get disrespected I fucked up my sleep schedule for him I let him violate me I stayed up late for him I I let him touch me broooo even though it was so uncomfortable I still let him do it cuz I enjoyed his company I cried so many fucjing times over dis nigga I thought about him every single second of everyday every fun thing I did I just thought about him being there I bought dis nigga stuff cuz I felt like it tbh I would do that for anyone but yh I’ve just deeped it I’m never gonna let a guy do me like that ever again but I’ve been doing so well like we just chilling sometimes I feel idk how I feel but yh

idk I keep fucking up randomly and yesterday we spoke for the first time in a while and it was fun but then the other brudda bro bun him but not bun him cuz he’s clearly not feeling my ting

Icl I’ve actually deeper it bro like he’s changed so much not even for the worse idk but it’s a thing where he doesn’t remember those times like he doesn’t remember how happy that mad me which I hear it to an extent but like it’s someone else’s turn now so cool cool and icl I’m actually okay with it like really really okay with it and then the other guy I’ve deeped that’s not him like he’s not that typa guy which is fair so right now just chilling

I’m about to enter a new chapter in my life and I kinda wanna reflect on how my year as a 14 year old went. One year ago today I was so sprung over this guy like he was the only thing on my mind and I never told anyone how bad it hurt me and it never showed cah hiding emotions is mad easy when u rlly put ur mind to it. But it’s a thing where over this past year I’ve made some stupid fking decisions like some dumb dumb dumb decisions I’ve risked bare but I’ve also enjoyed life and got to experience things that maybe I wouldn’t have experienced without the risk. I loved him so much for so long and he did take over my year of 14 just by living and if I was to choose a key person or moment I would definitely choose him because he did his ting still. It might’ve hurt me more than it helped me but it still happened and I guess it’s a learning curve. I know for my sanity and for my sake I should’ve just cut him off fully made it extremely clear that I hate him but it would also hurt me more than it hurts him and the only thing I’m focused on is my happiness. We had fun times and my whole experience as a 14 year old was quite fun things changed for the better and for the worse I cried a lot tbh. Like a lot life is sly stressful. I remember how much I prayed for this boy and too be honest I appreciate you so bad for not bringing him to me because it never would’ve given me the opportunity to see who he really was and then to act accordingly based on that information because if maybe he was still close to me I never would’ve got to see how little he cared about me compared to how much I cared about him. I still know his movements which is quite weird but he’s just someone I keep an eye out on just to check he’s okay. We may not talk anymore but I’ll still have the same love in my heart that I’ve had for him but just not that the same type of setting. Instead of being in love with him, I can have love for him which is completely different. I genuinely hope and pray I heal from this fully which is gonna be wild because I’m not ever fully ready to let him go, relationship/talking stage wise yeah almost but as a person I still think he’s fine no matter what anyone says. I pray that over my next year of life someone better comes and heals the hole he left cuz it’s still there it’s just covered. It’s been a journey but if I’m being honest I wouldn’t change anything about anything that happened everything that happened in the last year has been a teaching opportunity and it’s kinda showed me who’s who and how people really act and it’s just been quite interesting seeing myself step out of my comfort zone and kinda make friends and kinda go inside and just be more of the person I’ve always wanted to be. My Nana died today which was a bit unexpected and I’m mostly sad for my dad but I genuinely hope she rests in peace nd I’m sorry for all the bad things I’ve said about her I really did love you even though I didn’t know you like that and I’m aware that you only had my best interests at heart. I wanna round of this paragraph by saying thank you to you for helping me through this journey of 14 this was hard on a sly I broke many times but somehow I got back up and continued on my day and I hope you continue to do the same for me in all my years to come. Thank you for everyone you’ve put in my life or people you’ve just added to my life more that were already there, thank you for my family and friends, thank you for everything you do for me on a daily basis, thanks for everything❤. This will be a new chapter for me so it does require a new notes section which I’m not sure if I’m ready for. This one will always stay with me and be used when needed however I really really hope if anything is needed to be written in here it is a change for the better not the worse but we never know what could happen. Anyways I’ve been Tai, this has been a journey, please remember me if I come back

Love and appreciation

✌🏾

IM BACK sorry that was sly dramatic and I didn’t expect to be back so soon. Still healed but I didn’t get a happy birthday but it’s ok.

Yooooo back it’s all good now but I’m struggling in other aspects but we eulo

Idk I miss him sly

Idk I still miss him not on levels where I cry just on levels where I be thinking about him in my spare time and trust and believe I will not be missing an opportunity to speak to him like I always try buss convo but it’s not rlly the same pattern no more but we’re still cool but we’re not like cool cool which I guess is good for me and everything I guess in a way this is better than being cool cool cuz I get hurt less but Idk I want both I want to not get hurt and then I also want to be with him

I’m fucking up bro idk how to talk to

I’m struggling out here famalam like idk I jus feel so lonely so in my head it’s like okay Demar made me not feel lonely so why don’t I go speak to him but no it’s not rlly the pattern that’s not gna help me ik but right now I need help and that sly seems like the only reason I wanna talk o him cuz I’m upset. But idk why I’m upset life just feels so lonely and my phones so dry and I just want a fg again it’s boring without friends that sour me just to talk but then I be like I want a boyfriend sometimes but then I don’t want a boyfriend but one thing I really do want is a friend with like slight benefits not on a complete mad ting just on a Yh we flirt yh ur nice more like a boy bsf typa thing but yh idk man I’m just bored and everyone seems to be out here falling in love and idk how to fall in love properly so I just kinda want someone to chat to when I’m bored ygm but yh sly struggling out here frfr

Fucked itttt hes in 3 of my classes lowk not doing this again fr but I guess im chilling it’s fkin w my head tho cuz obviously he’s just there and obviously from previous encounters I’ve never fly got over him only slightly let him go or let him go for certain periods of time so now he’s here im trying to make sure that his presence doesn’t excite me but it’s so hard to do that whe I know it does and it’s so fucking crazy cuz im out here having all these thoughts an he has no idea but the worst part is I can’t tell anyone but kaiya but lowkey idk how to talk about my feelings fr so I’ll only shout her if I realise that im losing it frfr but I try to act normal but im not but lowkey im not gonna let it do me like that again

He has a girlfriend so great but it’s not that I’m not happy for him it’s just like it’s so fuckin weird cuz his reposts really give that hs in love with her but that’s all I wanted so idk how to feel about I but water brush im going sleep because whatever fr at least im not crying so I guess improvement but wtf fr like yah bye

Anyways he still seems in love whatever wtf I don’t care for real but I’m just crying my eyes out as you do on a normal Sunday cuz o hate myself and then he pops up and I even saw him today and it just made me shit myself and it’s made me deep that I’m so fucked like I can’t actually do it bro he has a whole girlfriend this boy has done nothing to make me fall in love with him he’s literally ruined my life and when I see him I shit myself like what bro what what what what you can’t get an attachment of kissing and that’s all we did like literally maybe cool a teeny bit more but nothing sexual too tough so wtf why is it that I’m still losing my shit over a man that not even a man a boy tha doesn’t care like at all like at all like bro wtfucky