Relationships
Opinions and Midterms
The instructor expresses a personal opinion that something is a waste of time, implying that some knowledge should be known from the beginning, particularly by the time of the midterm exam. The final exam is different because it involves learning new material. The instructor questions the need to relearn material already covered, unless the student is pursuing a career as a doctor, suggesting that the repetition may not be necessary for regular courses.
Anecdotes and Stories
The speaker shares a series of anecdotes:
Seeing an ambulance triggers a reaction.
Recounting an incident where they had to inform the police about someone's death from a heart attack.
Describing a past experience with rigor mortis and the sensation of breath from a deceased person, which caused fear of the person coming back to life. The speaker didn't look at the person's face, focusing instead on doing the job.
Sharing a story about finding a man at the bottom of the staircase who was complaining about pain. The speaker had to examine him and discovered a shattered glass dildo inside him. The man was given fentanyl for the pain and was trying to crawl using his arms because he couldn't move his legs.
Farewell and Appreciation
The instructor mentions having to leave at 10:30 and expresses missing the class. There might be a farewell party or gathering planned. A speech was given that made the instructor emotional, and they were recognized for teaching approximately 10,000 students at Suffolk, not counting their 20 years at Nassau. They received a hat and a sweatshirt as gifts. They talk about feeling uncomfortable with public appreciation and contrast it with corporate America where appreciation is rare.
Relationship Stages: Differentiating Stage
The instructor introduces the concept of relationship stages, focusing on when a relationship comes apart. The final exam is scheduled for the fourteenth next Wednesday. Students can come in on Monday the nineteenth to learn their final grade. The first stage of a relationship coming apart is the differentiating stage, marked by big differences and the first big fight. This is contrasted with the bonding stage, where things were going well. The discussion shifts to the costs in the relationship versus the rewards, and the revealing of true selves as the "mask is off."
Makeup Sex and Identifying Hurt
Before engaging in makeup sex after a fight, it's crucial to understand how each partner has been violated. Jumping back into a relationship without addressing the source of the hurt can normalize unhealthy patterns. While conflict is inevitable and not necessarily bad, it's important to recognize what the conflict reveals about each partner. The instructor shares an anecdote about a student admitting to being abusive towards his girlfriend, who stayed with him, emphasizing the importance of recognizing patterns. Physical abuse is a definite boundary, while emotional abuse requires more consideration. Women are asserted to have the power in relationships.
Circumscribing Stage
The circumscribing stage involves reducing communication. This doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over, as couples can revert to the bonding stage. Good relationships may cycle through these stages due to love, respect, and trust. However, it's important to assess the seriousness of violations and personal tolerance levels. Controlling behavior should be a red flag.
Stagnating Stage
The stagnating stage implies no progress and a stalemate in the relationship. This can lead to breaking up, drifting apart, or seeking attention elsewhere, possibly indicating cheating. The instructor provides a hypothetical scenario of being tempted by a new, more attractive woman while in a stale relationship. A "real man" would communicate with his partner, while someone else might engage in a fling that could lead to the discovery of infidelity.
Infidelity Story
An anecdote about a friend whose wife was cheating on him is shared. The signs included weight loss and lack of intimacy. The friend eventually gathered evidence using a GPS guidance system and voice-activated recorder in his wife's Cadillac Escalade. He confronted her with the evidence of her affair with a younger man, revealed this information to the other woman's husband, and initiated separation proceedings, including arranging for an FBI agent neighbor to serve separation papers. The wife had been falsifying overtime work hours. The man chose to focus on his daughters, putting them through Yale Law School and delaying dating for fifteen years. The ethical implications of his actions are questioned, specifically if he went too far.
Cheating and Patterns
The discussion touches on infidelity, questioning whether patterns repeat themselves and whether "once a cheater, always a cheater." The possibility of change is raised. A story is shared about being used by a friend who cheated on his wife. The instructor accompanied the friend to a hockey game and encountered a celebrity with whom the friend was having an affair. The friend gifted the celebrity a diamond necklace in front of the instructor, who felt used because the friend used the instructor's presence to mask his behavior. The instructor details the fallout, including blocking the friend's number and a later confrontation with the friend's wife.
Avoidance and Termination
When relationships reach the avoidance stage, communication ceases entirely. The termination stage is the final stage, where the relationship officially ends. It's suggested that partners should communicate the end of the relationship respectfully. Patterns observed throughout the relationship should be carefully considered going forward, even if it means acknowledging unpleasant truths about a loved one.
Termination Stage Implications
The termination stage can lead to extreme behaviors driven by rejection and the loss of the relationship. Obsessive behavior and possessiveness may arise. The instructor references Jeffrey Dahmer as an extreme example of someone with unresolved control issues from childhood. He cites the case of William Murphy, who killed his girlfriend and himself after she tried to retrieve her belongings. The instructor advises against making threats of self-harm and suggests contacting authorities (911) if a partner expresses suicidal ideation.
Jahan Window Model
The Jahan window model is introduced as a way to understand self-concept, self-worth, and self-esteem. It consists of four components:
Open Self: Aspects of oneself that are known to both the individual and others (e.g., physical appearance, communication skills).
Unknown Self: Aspects of oneself that are unknown to both the individual and others (e.g., future experiences like marriage, death).
Blind Self: Aspects of oneself that are known to others but unknown to the individual. These often emerge during the termination stage when people express their true feelings.
Hidden/Secret Self: Aspects of oneself that are known to the individual but kept hidden from others, shared only with those who are deeply trusted.
The instructor advocates for gradual and reciprocal sharing in relationships, cautioning against revealing too much too soon, as this information can be used against you. The concept of peeling back layers like an onion is used to illustrate how relationships move from breadth (outer core) to depth (inner core), which increases vulnerability.
Toxic Relationship Stages
The instructor presents eight stages of a toxic relationship, based on personal research and experience:
Whirlwind Beginning: Falling intensely for someone, potentially overlooking their controlling behaviors.
Possessiveness: Exhibiting power and control through dictating what the partner can wear, who they can talk to, and dismissing family members.
Masks/Switch: Presenting a different persona to the outside world than the one experienced privately (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde).
Verbal Abuse: Degrading and name-calling.
Blame Game: Manipulating the partner into taking responsibility for the abuser's problems.
Emotional Terrorist: Displaying narcissistic traits and maintaining control.
Physical Aggressiveness: Violence and physical harm.
Comeback: Returning to the abusive relationship despite the harm inflicted.
Key Principles
The instructor stresses the importance of recognizing patterns, prioritizing self-love, and seeking relationships built on trust, respect, and support. Personal anecdotes are shared, including a disturbing story about a student who was being physically abused by his basketball-playing wife and a lady whose husband was dealing with MS-13. And then he ends saying that you should pick your friends and people carefully.
Conflict Management Strategies
The instructor discusses types of conflicts and strategies for resolving them:
Types of Conflict:
Fact Conflict: Disagreement over facts (he said, she said).
Ego Conflict: Conflict driven by ego and the need to be right.
Value Conflict: Conflict arising from differing values.
Policy Conflict: Disagreement over policies.
Pseudo Conflict: An apparent but unreal conflict, often involving passive-aggressive behavior.
Conflict Resolution Strategies:
Forcing: Imposing one's will on the other party.
Withdrawing: Avoiding the conflict.
Accommodating: Satisfying the other party's needs while ignoring one's own.
Compromise: Both parties win and lose.
Collaboration: Working together to find a mutually beneficial solution.
The instructor advocates for collaboration as the most effective strategy, emphasizing the importance of support in relationships to help resolve issues collaboratively.
Relationships and Small Group Communication
All topics discussed will be on the final exam.
Personal Anecdotes and Gratitude
The instructor expresses gratitude for the students' presence, acknowledging the challenging weather. He jokes about being motivated by the students' tuition payments, contrasting this with individuals who are apathetic towards their jobs. He emphasizes his commitment to teaching and expresses genuine gratitude for the opportunity to teach the class. He humorously relates to feeling like a kid and uses the analogy of unconditional love received from a dog to describe great love.
Class Structure and Grading
The final exam will cover relationships, development, conflict in relationships, and small group communication. The final grade is comprised of:
Midterm, speech, and final exam: 75%
Four quizzes: 25% (weighs less than the other three components).
Homework assignments.
Positive factors such as completing homework will positively influence the final grade (e.g., raising an 88 to a 90). Negative factors like absences and latenesses will negatively influence the final grade.
Relationships: Types, Intimacy, and Love
Types of Relationships
Impersonal Relationship: A superficial interaction, like a waiter serving a customer or a brief exchange at a fast-food restaurant. Example: Interacting with a McDonald's employee daily without any deep conversation. This is nothing personal.
Platonic Relationship: A friendship.
Romantic Relationship: Marked by intimacy.
Components of Love
Intimacy: Being vulnerable with each other, creating a deep connection.
Passion: If it's only passion, it is called infatuous love. Like, a one night stand.
Commitment:
Consummate Love: Which consists of commitment, intimacy, and passion.
Commitment only: There is missing intimacy and passion.
Seniors and STDs
Seniors have the highest rates of STDs, This statistic arose from a story about a 75-year-old man in a Florida retirement community who was sleeping with multiple women and transmitting STDs. When he was caught, one of the women spray-painted "STD" all over his house.
The story leads to a discussion of whether engaging in sexual activity with multiple partners constitutes
Needs Theory
Control, Inclusion, and Affection: William Schutz (C, I, A).
Also known as the fundamental theory.
Approaches to Relationships
Three Approaches: Passive, Active, Interactive.
*It is important to review notes and materials to prepare for the final exam. Recording lectures to review later, specifically when covering a lot of material, is a helpful strategy.
Interpersonal Needs Theory (Fundamental Theory)
William Schutz: C (Control), I (Inclusion), A (Affection).
Knapp's Relational Stage Model
10 Stages: From initiating to bonding, and differentiating to terminating.
Johari Window Model
Termination Stage:
Blind Self: Aspects others see that you don't.
Hidden/Secret Self: Aspects you keep hidden from others.
Social Exchange Theory
Costs and Rewards in a relationship.
Robert Sternberg's Love Triangle
Consummate Love:
Commitment
Intimacy
Passion
Relationship Patterns and Motives
Motives can begin on both sides.
Patterns are crucial to observe; can indicate toxicity.
Toxic Element:
Possessiveness: Can turn into obsessiveness.
Social Penetration Theory
Breadth and Depth of a relationship.
Moving from the outer shell to the core vulnerability.
Types of Conflicts in Relationships
Policy Conflict
Fact Conflict: "He said, she said."
Value Conflict: Values, attitudes, beliefs.
Ego Conflict: Need for control, needing to get their way.
Pseudo Conflict: Apparent but not a real conflict.
Strategies to Handle Conflicts
Forcing: Forcer strategy.
Withdrawal: Removing oneself from the conflict.
Accommodating: удовлетворять partner's needs, ignoring own needs.
Compromise: Win-lose.
Collaboration: Win-win (everyone benefits).
Types of Love
*Arrow
* Intimacy, sexual attraction, sexual passion.
Agape Love: Unconditional love for all people (e.g., Gandhi).
Mania Love: Jealous, possessive, and controlling.
Exam Details
50 questions (multiple choice, true/false).
Focus: Relationship stuff.
Small Group Communication
Work Teams vs. Project Teams.
Focus Groups.
Group Thinking.
Primary Relationships
Definition: The most important people in your life.
Family (mother, father, siblings).
Sharing fears, emotions, frustrations.
Secondary (Task) Relationships
Definition: Task-related, goal-oriented.
Corporate America: Accountability for actions, tracking of activities.
Micromanagement: Managers babysitting instead of working with/through people.
Group Think
New ideas are compromised for the harmony of the group.
Example: Bill Gates disrupting the group harmony.
Group Size
3-19 people (Debatable effectiveness).
Devil's Advocate
Role for quiet individuals to keep people honest and unbiased.
Holding people accountable.
Group Dynamics
Motivation: Lack of motivation affects results.
Perception: Viewed as a group, win or lose.
Synergy: Group cohesiveness, learning each other's goals and work styles.
Commitment: True dedication to each other and the outcome.
Group Formation
Forming, storming, norming, performing, adjourning.
Forming: Choosing group members based on strengths, weaknesses, leadership.
Storming: Brainstorming, conflict is inevitable.
Norming: Knowing your job in the group, motivating others.
Performing: Challenged, synergy is key.
Adjourning: Assessing what went right, what went wrong, and what needs improvement.
Work Teams
Customer service driven.
Goal: Satisfy the customer (customer is always right).
Project Teams
Specialized groups completing one task/mission.
Example: Delta Force (precise, high-stakes operations).
Focus Groups
Gather information, usually product information.
Plan and implement marketing strategies.
Examples: Clinical trials (testing makeup, new drugs).
Therapy Groups
Differ from individual therapy.
Examples: AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), Al Anon, banana splits.
Goal: Maintain positive self-worth and self-control.
Exam
Group think, work team, project team, forming.
Questions from what we talked about in class.
Additional Notes:
It can be challenging to work in small groups if some, but not all, members are motivated. If you are not performing you will be held to the same level of standards, even if performing above and beyond.