The author thanks Jason Jacobs at the Los Angeles Zoo for answering koala questions.
Thanks to David Stern for joke assistance.
Special thanks to his children: his son Dashiell inspired shark scenes and his daughter Violet joined zoo research trips.
The Prank
Teddy Fitzroy would not have been accused of stealing the koala if Vance Jessup hadn’t made him drop a plastic human arm in the shark tank.
Vance Jessup was the toughest, meanest kid who was a fifteen-year-old eighth grader because he’d been held back twice.
Lyndon B. Johnson Middle School was not enjoyable, but Vance was the worst part. He had been bullying Teddy since the start of seventh grade.
Vance stole lunch, gave wedgies, and flushed homework. Teddy reported to his parents, who informed Mr. Dillnut, the principal, but Mr. Dillnut was afraid of Vance, so he did little to reprimand him.
Teddy fought back with pranks: aerosol cheese in the locker, dead roach in pudding, and a king snake in the gym bag.
The snake incident revealed Teddy as the prankster, resulting in Vance seeking payback because Teddy's mother was a primatologist and his father was a wildlife photographer, and he lived with them at FunJungle.
Teddy was eating lunch with his only friend, Xavier Gonzalez, who was also an outsider due to his enthusiasm for classes.
The cafeteria had a seating hierarchy: Royals, Lower Royals, normal kids, and then losers/loners/freaks.
Xavier was a FunJungle fanatic who admired Teddy's mother and wanted an introduction.
Vance interrupted a conversation about Shark Odyssey.
Doesn’t that drive the sharks crazy?” Xavier asked of the exhibit. “It must be like waving red meat in front of a bear.”
“Sharks don’t really eat humans,” I told him. “In fact, most attacks seem to be accidents. e sharks usually spit the humans back out after biting them.”
“Sharks don’t really hunt by sight. ey hunt by smell—and by sensing vibrations in the water. You could drop a whole mannequin in the shark tank and the sharks probably wouldn’t even give it a second look.”
He grabbed my chair and spun me around to face him. “What would be hilarious?” he demanded. “Are you planning another prank on me?”
“I know you put that snake in my gym bag, Monkey Boy. And you’re gonna pay for it.”
Teddy said he was only talking about a prank at FunJungle.
Vance lowered his fist, laughed, and wanted Teddy put a fake arm in the shark tank with him after school.
Teddy protested because of security, but Vance knew that Teddy didn’t have to go through the main entrance.
Vance said he could steal a fake arm from the department store.
Vance “clamped a hand on my shoulder” and said that Teddy didn’t “want to be my enemy”, demanding to play the prank with Teddy's help, reminding Teddy he was about to beat him up before the shark tank thing.
Vance released me and flashed a cruel smile. “See you tomorrow afternoon.”
Vance had obtained an arm and foot, and brought Jim and Tim Barksdale to provide backup in case Teddy tried to say no.
Vance hid the mannequin parts in a backpack, which he insisted Teddy take with him on the school bus, threatening to feed Teddy to the sharks if he chickened out.
Xavier volunteered to come to Shark Odyssey as moral support but Teddy declined the offer.
Vance didn’t flunk because he’s stupid. He flunked because he’s lazy. In fact, Vance is smarter than most people realize.
Xavier advised Teddy to pull the prank as fast as possible, and pray you don’t get caught.
FunJungle was located several miles from town, outside the school district.
It was built by J.J. McCracken, who claimed he’d done it for his daughter, Summer, but the fact that 175 million people visited zoos in America every year had certainly influenced him as well.
FunJungle was officially a zoo and a theme park, with thrill rides, stage shows, themed hotels, and innovative exhibits. However, FunJungle was committed to providing top-quality care for its animals.
FunJungle \approx 10 \, miles^2. It had its own police department, fire station, and an animal hospital with a human physician on staff
Teddy lived in a trailer park behind the safari area, where distinguished biologists and their families housed
Darlene, the guard, didn’t examine the backpack that had the mannequin parts, because she was watching a downloaded movie, so he was able to get in.
FunJungle was eerily empty because of the weather, which had been far worse that year than anyone had expected.
This would be good for the animals, most of which came from warm climates, and better for the tourists, who would theoretically flock there year-round.
Ever since mid-November, a freak cold front had stalled over the Hill Country, pelting the park with an incredible array of horrible weather. ere had been hail, freezing rain, record cold temperatures, and even a few tornadoes. (ankfully, these had all been quite small and done little damage, although one had uprooted a jungle gym in the Play Zone and flung it into the World of Reptiles.)
J.J. slashed ticket prices and offered annual passes for 5 dollars more than one visit.
Vance Jessup and TimJim had annual passes, and Vance had his learner’s driving permit.
Vance and TimJim were waiting inside Shark Odyssey for Teddy.
Security--Large Marge--had been giving them the stink eye, but was called away on her radio.
The boys had spit in the shark tank.
Spit carries all sorts of diseases, which could be spread to the sharks, for which reason there were dozens of signs posted around the shark tank telling people not to spit into it.
The boys had blatantly broken park rules, getting Marge’s attention.
Vance wanted Teddy to put ketchup on the body parts, to look like blood. This could be dangerous to the sharks, since it isn’t for them.
Vance wouldn’t do it himself because security was already watching them.
Despite a fear of sharks, only a handful of the 360 different species are dangerous to humans.
Sharks kill < 10 people a year, while falling coconuts kill 150.
Humans kill sharks by the millions, mostly for shark fin soup.
Bulls aren’t nearly as renowned as great whites, but they’ve actually attacked far more humans, in part because they’re the only sharks that can survive in freshwater. ey’ve been found as far up the Mississippi River as Indiana.
FunJungle’s bull was a seven-foot-long male named Taurus who’d been caught in the San Jacinto River disturbingly close to downtown Houston.
Teddy unzipped the backpack, whipped out the fake arm, and dropped it over the railing. en I tossed in the foot. I decided to pass on the ketchup, though.
The security guards were coming for him, led by Large Marge.
The Escape
Marge hadn’t forgotten about Vance and TimJim. She was with the other guards and headed in their direction.
Marge snarled when she saw Teddy, saying that she should have known he would be involved.
She demanded to know where his pals were, and didn’t believe him when he said he was alone.
A tourist gave a bloodcurdling scream after seeing the human arm in the tank.
Teddy raced further down the ramp into the exhibit.
His wife had gone green with disgust. eir three children, meanwhile, were thrilled, clambering up on the railing to see if they could spot any other body parts.
People were gasping, covering children’s eyes, or bolting for the bathroom. Many were also recording the event on their phones.
As usual when there was a crisis, many guests’ immediate reaction was to record the event on their phones
The plastic arm and foot had taken on water and were sinking slowly through the center of the tank.
Security was following orders rather than saving the victim.
She was in more of a barely controlled fall, her legs racing to keep up with the rest of her as she hurtled down the ramp.
Large Marge skidded on vomit and lost control, bowling over a dozen tourists.
Marge howled at Vance and TimJim, and ordered her underlings to get them.
Vance sacrificed Teddy to save his own skin, and then all of them ran.
Vance declared that they were not with Teddy, that he was the one who did it.
He lashed out a leg and sent me sprawling. We’re not with him!” Vance declared. “He’s the one who did it!”
But the guards figured it out.
As the only kid who lived at FunJungle, I was well-known enough for all of them to recognize me at once.
Whoever catches that kid gets a raise!” she bellowed.
Temporarily closed was the swim-with-the-dolphins area (due to frigid weather) and the Amazing Skyway boarding station
He veered toward Australia and the Land Down Under.
FunJungle had acquired a koala as a goodwill ambassador.
Although zoos and aquariums are popular throughout the world, there are very few animals that can draw big crowds on their own.
Giant pandas are probably the most notable for this, but koalas are a close second.
He owned several businesses in Australia and was friends with a lot of politicians there. So he twisted a few arms, dashed off a five-million-dollar check for koala conservation (tax-deductible, of course)—and within less than a week a koala was on its way to FunJungle.
One catch: e Australians hadn’t sold the koala to the park; they’d merely lent the koala for six months as a “goodwill ambassador.”
Australia had done it plenty of times for koalas. However, J.J. was fine with this. He figured that having the koala for a limited time made its arrival more of an event.
J.J. rechristened Goongiwarri (Aboriginal Australian word for “swamp”) to Kazoo.
(e photo on the items wasn’t even Kazoo. It was just some random photo that Pete wacker, the head of PR, had found on the Internet, but as Pete explained, “No one will notice. All koalas look exactly the same.”)
Lots of people were streaming out of KoalaVille as closing time approached.
Teddy plunged in to the crowds, escaping the security guards.
Teddy entered the koala keepers’ office by using J.J. McCracken’s personal code that Summer had given him.
From there he hid from Large Marge in Kazoo's habitat, which smelled like cough drops due to eucalyptus.
Since koalas eat nothing but eucalyptus, they tend to smell a bit like cough drops too.
Kristi Sullivan tried to herd the tourists out of the viewing area.
Koalas have a really lousy diet since Eucalyptus leaves are chock- full of chemicals that are toxic to other animals.
Most FunJungle personnel don't understand why there were so many tourists given that they were just watching Kazoo sleep
I listened to Kristi collecting her things in the office, planning to wait a few minutes after she left to make sure the coast was clear before going myself.
Rude Awakening
They weren’t pleased that I had participated in the prank, they were far angrier at Vance and TimJim for forcing me into it—and at Marge and the security guards for blindly assuming I was involved.
The only thing my parents were really upset at me for was hiding in the koala exhibit. “You know you are never, ever to enter a habitat without a keeper,” Mom scolded. “Kazoo could have been hurt.”
“You could put itching powder in those guys’ shorts,” he suggested.
My bedroom was as cold as a meat locker, and the perk of free housing at FunJungle hadn’t turned out so well since J.J. had just bought a bunch of cheap trailers in bulk.
Summer calls and warns Teddy to leave because Large Marge is on her way.
She’s got some cop from juvenile services with her.
They apparently have security footage of you going in and out. You need to get out of there.
Summer says that the police think Teddy stole the koala Kazoo, and used her code.
Headlight beams slashed across our windows
Marge is bringing them to arrest me. She thinks I stole Kazoo. Summer says they’d be arresting me for video
He’s in Germany on business. Of course, he flipped when he heard the news.
When they told him which code had been used to enter the exhibit, he recognized it and called me.
Well, from what I understand, the evidence against you is awfully strong. And you have a history of causing trouble at the park.
The perk of free housing at FunJungle had sounded great on paper, but in reality it hadn’t turned out so well.
Framed
Mom told me that Teddy was not investigating any more crimes because he nearly got himself killed a couple of times over, but Dad was more amenable.
J.J. McCracken would force her to stop wasting time on Teddy.
Someone may be tampering with the FunJungle camera footage.
The kidnappers must be watching Teddy so “what’s this evidence Marge has on you?”
J.J.’s in Germany, so that rules him out as stealing the koala.”
Teddy believed it was Marge: She slipped in a bunch of puke, and has always threatened juvenile hall.
Ransom notes are left at the scene of the crime, or that someone may want a koala as a pet.
“There are far more owners of exotic pets than anyone realizes. People also have lions, leopards, bears, chimps, zebras, and who knows what else. Maybe one of those collectors was dying to have a koala.”
“Koalas don’t like the cold, and it was freezing last night.”
Scene of the Crime
Teddy hid out in FunJungle, entering via discounted-schoolkid-passes.
Another part of J.J. McCracken’s plan to increase attendance at FunJungle was to offer big discounts to schools
He wanted to see your friend about the security recordings, and that’s inside the administration building: Admin has more security than any other building at FunJungle.