Unit 3: Intimate Relationships and Theories of Love Study Guide

John Lee’s Six Styles of Loving

Eros (Romantic): Defined by strong "chemistry," physical attraction, and emotional intensity. This is the style most frequently depicted in popular culture and media.
Ludus (Conquest): Views love as a game or a conquest. The primary goal is to "win" as many partners as possible and have fun without deepening commitment.
Storge (Friendship): Love that develops from a deepening mutual commitment, respect, and long-term friendship over time.
Pragma (Practical): A rational approach to love, described as using the "head not heart." It involves evaluating a potential partner's assets and liabilities.
Agape (Altruistic): Prioritizes the needs of the beloved above one's own. It involves personal sacrifice without the expectation of repayment.
Mania (Obsessive): Characterized by strong sexual attraction combined with extreme emotional intensity. Individuals often experience jealousy and an insatiable need for attention.

Attachment Theory (Mary Ainsworth)

Secure Attachment: * When Parent Leaves: The child is visibly upset. * When Parent Returns: The child is happy. * Implications for Adulthood: These individuals can create meaningful relationships and effectively set boundaries.
Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment: * When Parent Leaves: The child feels anxious and nervous. * When Parent Returns: The child wants contact but remains resistant. * Implications for Adulthood: Results in individuals who are insecure, controlling, and unpredictable in relationships.
Avoidant Attachment: * When Parent Leaves: The child shows little to no emotion. * When Parent Returns: The child shows little to no emotion. * Implications for Adulthood: Individuals avoid emotional connections and are often characterized by jealousy and distrust.

Robert Sternberg’s Love Triangle Theory

The Three Aspects of Romantic Love: * Passion: A physical and emotional longing for the person (e.g., a fling or one-night stand). * Intimacy: Feelings of closeness, love, and trust (e.g., best friends). * Commitment: The decision to pursue the relationship long-term (e.g., arranged marriages or staying together "for the kids").
Combinations of the Three Aspects: * Companion Love: Combines Intimacy and Commitment (typical of an old married couple). * Romantic Love: Combines Intimacy and Passion (e.g., "friends with benefits"). * Foolish Love: Combines Passion and Commitment (impulsive relationships). * Complete/Consummate Love: Incorporates all three sides (Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment); often referred to as "soulmates."
Gender and Cultural Expectations: * Males: Generally prefer playful and emotional love. * Females: Generally prefer friendships and practicality. * Western Individuals: Tend to make relationship decisions for themselves. * Eastern Individuals: Tend to consider broader family structures in relationship decisions.
Endurance: Of the three aspects, commitment is cited as the best predictor for relationship endurance and satisfaction.

Ira Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love

The Four Stages of the Cycle: 1. Rapport: Feeling comfortable with one another, relating easily, and engaging in easy communication. 2. Self-revelation (Revelation of Self): Naturally follows rapport; involves sharing personal feelings, views, and life experiences. 3. Mutual Dependency: Doing things together and building interdependent habits and shared experiences. 4. Personality Need Fulfillment: The final stage where needs such as trust, deep knowledge of the partner, and shared history are met.
The Cycle Mechanism: This cycle causes individuals to fall deeper in love as it repeats.
Sociocultural Context: The outer rings of the wheel symbolize the influence of sociocultural background and role conception on the relationship.

The Science and Chemistry of Love

Distinct Drives: Lust, infatuation, and long-term attachment are separate drives governed by different chemicals, specifically oxytocin and vasopressin.
Dopamine: Romantic love produces dopamine, creating attraction and obsession. This ensures partners stick together, which can facilitate raising offspring.
Personality Types Based on Biology: * Explorer ( $Dopamine$ ): Risk-takers, optimistic, curious, creative, and energetic. * Builders ( $Serotonin$ ): Popular, religious, cautious, social, traditional, and not fearful. * Director ( $Testosterone$ ): Ambitious, tough-minded, direct, and decisive. * Negotiator ( $Estrogen$ and $Oxytocin$ ): Sees the big picture, flexible, imaginative, holds initiative, and is compassionate.
Mate Preferences by Type: * Explorers are drawn to other Explorers (seeking energetic mates). * Builders are drawn to other Builders (seeking similar traditional values). * Negotiators and Directors are drawn to each other (attraction to opposites).

Mate Selection Theories

Evolutionary Psychology & Sexual Attraction: Suggests an unconscious attraction to those providing the best chance for producing and raising children (adaptive behaviors). Across all cultures, there is a preference for mates who are intelligent, kind, understanding, dependable, and healthy.
The Halo Effect: A cognitive bias where an overall positive impression (e.g., "He is nice!") influences specific trait evaluations (e.g., "He is also smart!"). Enthusiasm and a positive attitude create this effect, but it can cloud objective judgment.
Murstein’s Filter Theory: Individuals use increasingly fine filters to select a partner: 1. Field of Eligibles & Propinquity: Based on geographic proximity/location. 2. Attraction (Stimulus Filter): Based on physical appearance or perceived capabilities. 3. Homogamy (Values Filter): Based on similar values, beliefs, and interests (relationships are more likely to last if there is similarity here). 4. Compatibility (Roles Filter): How the couple functions in daily life and whether their needs complement each other (e.g., dominant vs. passive). 5. Trial & Decision (Final Filters): Vetting through engagement or cohabitation, often leading to marriage.
Exchange Theory: Interactions are based on rational choices and reciprocity. Attraction is based on reality and the resources one offers (wealth, education, status, beauty).
Parental Image Theory: Suggests men seek women like their mothers and women seek men like their fathers.
Complementary Needs Theory: People select partners whose strengths compensate for their own weaknesses (e.g., an outgoing person attracted to a quiet "bookworm").
Social Homogamy Theory: "Like is attracted to like." Individuals choose partners within their own race, status, religion, and ethnic background.
Ideal Mate Theory: Individuals form a subconscious vision of an ideal mate based on role models, media, and experience. This relates to "love at first sight" and symbolic interactionism.

Theoretical Perspectives on Marriage

Exchange Theory: People marry because the perceived benefits of marriage outweigh the benefits of remaining single.
Symbolic Interactionism: Focuses on perceptions of self and others. It examines the male vs. female perception of stable relationships and the perception of self as a married individual.
Life-Course Perspective: Views marriage as a developmental task required to adjust to the next stage of life.
Functionalism: Marriage meets societal and cultural expectations, such as achieving adult status and providing a sexual partner for raising children.
Historical Context: * Polygyny: One man with many wives; historically preferred in some cultures to ensure all women married and to produce more children following high male mortality. * Polyandry: Several men supporting one wife and child; found in very poor societies like rural Nepal. * First Nations (Pre-European): Often matrilineal/matrilocal (identity from mother, living with mother's parents). Marriages were expected to be enduring and often became "official" upon the birth of a child. * Middle Ages ( $500$ CE – $1500$ CE): Marriage was primarily for legitimizing inheritance and children. * Protestant Reformation ( $1517$ – $16^{th}$ century): Marriage became the "ideal"; romantic love and free choice became valid bases for relationships.

Canadian Marriage Trends and History

Early Canada: Men outnumbered women $2$ to $1$ . Temporary marriage contracts were common among traders.
$19^{th}$ Century Canada: Parental approval was required. Average age of marriage was $26$ for women and $29$ for men. Divorce was extremely rare.
$20^{th}$ Century Canada: Economic hardship led to later marriages initially, but later shifted to younger marriage ages ( $22$ for women, $25$ for men) and traditional gender roles until equality movements began.
Modern Models of Marriage: 1. Historical Classical: Focus on raising children. 2. The Choice: Marriage as an agreement for self-expression and sexuality. 3. The Commitment (Current Model): Based on emotional support and community connection.
Marrying Later: Driven by education, economic opportunities for women, contraception, social acceptance of cohabitation, and wanting a stable life plan. Waiting until the mid- $30$ s is associated with a lower risk of divorce.

Judith Wallerstein’s Nine Tasks for a Good Marriage

Separate emotionally from the family of origin to build a personal identity.
Build intimacy while maintaining personal boundaries.
Establish a sexual relationship protected from outside interruptions.
Accommodate children and navigate the roles of parenthood, if applicable.
Confront and master inevitable life crises.
Maintain the marital bond as a safe space for expressing feelings.
Use humor and laughter to prevent boredom.
Provide mutual encouragement and comfort.
Maintain romance while accepting the reality of changes over time.

Online Dating and Modern Relationships

Millennials (2018 Trends): Use apps like Tinder for "hooking up"/FWB but are hesitant regarding lifelong commitment. Helen Fisher calls this "fast sex, slow love."
Online Dating Pros: Efficiency, vast options, ability to filter for specifics (e.g., vegan, divorced).
Online Dating Cons: Relationships may not last, overwhelming options, algorithms lack human nuances, and potential for romance fraud (stealing money/info via affection).
Beautiful People Website: A service that "bans ugliness" by requiring current members to "approve" new applicants based on photos.
Documentary Findings: * Apps can commodify people (viewing them as products). * The "gamification" of swiping leads to quick judgments and lower satisfaction due to the fear of missing a "better" option. * Apps prioritize visual appeal and data collection over partner compatibility.
Marginalized Groups: Apps can be beneficial for LGBTQ+ individuals and those in small or marginalized communities to find each other.

Cohabitation, Arranged Marriage, and Intermarriage

Cohabitation: Now the norm in Canada; considered a "common-law" relationship after $1$ year of living together, granting rights regarding taxes, immigration, and health care. * Who cohabits: Generally younger, less traditional, divorced, or less religious individuals. * Disadvantages: Potentially less commitment or stability compared to marriage.
Arranged Marriage: Chosen by parents. Success often stems from lower initial expectations (leading to less disappointment) and strong familial alliances. In Canada, it is legal if both parties are at least $16$ and freely consent.
Intermarriage: Unions between different social, racial, or religious groups. More common among younger, educated people in diverse communities. * Bill C-31: Restored Indian status to First Nations women who lost it through marriage to non-status individuals.
Same-Sex Marriage: Legalized in Ontario in $2003$ and nationwide in Canada in $2005$ via the Civil Marriage Act. By $2021$ , there were over $95,000$ same-sex couples in Canada.

Divorce: Legal History and Context

Legal Changes: The Divorce Act allowed for "marriage breakdown" after a $3$ -year separation. This was later reduced to $1$ year, and "no fault" divorce was added (no proof of wrongdoing needed).
Current Grounds for Divorce: 1. Adultery. 2. Cruelty (abuse). 3. Separation for one year (no fault).
Emily Nett Theory: * Marriage Mistakes: Occur within the first $5$ years due to wrong choices, teen marriage, or brief courtship. * Marriage Failures: Inability to adjust to critical transitions over time.
Phases of Divorce: Awareness (one person wants out), Separation (logistics/custody), and Reorganization (negotiating new lives).

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

Types: Physical, economic abuse, reproductive coercion, spiritual abuse, and cyberviolence.
Bill C-75: Prevents easy bail for repeat offenders, protects dating couples, and treats strangulation as a serious offense.
Statistics: Young women aged $15$ to $24$ and Indigenous women are at higher risk. Reporting is low due to shame, fear, or lack of trust in the justice system.
Signs of IPV: Partner jealousy/temper, frequent "accidental" injuries, concealing clothing, restricted access to family/finances, and major personality changes (anxiety/withdrawn).

Singlehood Trends

Statistics: Adults living alone have tripled, comprising approximately $1/3$ of Canadian households.
Attitudes: Singlehood is increasingly seen as a valid choice for pursuing personal goals or escaping bad relationships. There is a moving away from the idea that marriage is required for "adulthood."
Double Standards: Women are often viewed as "unfulfilled" if single, whereas men may face different social pressures.