Lucid Dreaming

I’m gonna learn how to lucid dream frequently because I am so sick and tired of not getting anything I fucking want. I’m tired of not getting to experience the stuff I’ve BEEN wanting. Every day I wake up, and I deadass got no fucken motion. I literally have nothing going on. I just spend about 18 hours a day living in my head because nothing interesting has been happening to me.

I’m tired of feeling broke. I’m tired of always feeling constantly horny. I’m tired of always wanting something that nobody wants to give me. I’m deadass so sick of aspiring to anything. I’m so fucking sick of trying. I just want to lie down and close my fucking eyes and experience something interesting and desirable and validating. Like Jesus fucking Christ, is that so much to ask?

Nah fuck that. Maybe I’m not that great or special or interesting to literally everyone around me but does that mean I deserve to be starved of all attention and affection on the fucking earth. I want a lucid dream just so I can know what it feels like to have what I want.

That’s the fucked up thing about struggling. Unless you drop dead like right now, you just gotta keep fucking living. I don’t want to do that. I just want what I want and I’m so sick of a door being slammed in my face every single time. I’m so sick and fucken tired of nobody giving me a fucking chance. I’m so sick and tired of being overlooked and ignored. On top of all that sick and tired I have to find the strength within myself to keep going. Sometimes, I feel like my life would be better if I just killed myself when I was 15. It’s really difficult to push yourself and stay motivated when there’s nothing to fucken motivate you. It’s hard to be motivated when you just see your entire journey as a slew of work and suffering with no reward in sight. Additionally, every fucking business guru, pastor, self-improvement, whatever the shit tells you that the noblest thing you can do is suffer immensely for fuckall. Just suffer to suffer, and maybe, just maybe, the man upstairs will like you a little better.

Fuck that. This year, I’m going to prioritize sleep above everything because, at least that way, I don’t have to constantly exist in a never-ending perpetual state of yearning for stuff nobody wants to give me. At least for 8 hours a day, I can live in a world where my crush likes me back. I can live in a world where I’m not asking my useless parents for money every month. I can actually live in a world where I can do and achieve stuff that I haven’t been able to do in real life. I wouldn’t have to beg someone for their attention or affection because I could just get it. I wouldn’t have to perform or pretend to get someone to like me because, in a lucid dream, they just would. I just want to live in a world where I don’t try so fucken hard. I just want to be mediocre and indulge in pleasure, but you can’t do that in the real world unless you’re a white woman. Pisceans, we live in our heads all the time anyway. Why not take that to the next level? Hopefully, this way, I’ll stop desiring these things in real life. I won’t wonder what it feels like to have R10k. I won’t wonder what it feels like to be with a guy who soothes my daddy issues. I won’t have to work so hard to try and fix myself to deserve pleasure and affection. I can just have it.