Crushes are a waste of time

Having a crush on someone is actually such a waste of my fucking time. I regret ever telling any of the people that had a crush on that I liked them. Attractive people just don’t like me. I wish I knew why. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not that attractive or if there’s some repulsive aspect of my character that people pick up on upon just seeing me. Truly I don’t know. I wish I knew, but I don’t

All I ever seem to attract is people whom I’m not the least bit interested in and then I end up settling for something I don’t really want because it’s just what’s available to me at that time and I have a need that I’m trying to fulfil. For years and years I’ve been begging and coercing the cosmos to give me the person that I’m actually interested in and it NEVER fucking works. I’m so done. Like actually, fuck you. Go to hell.

I’m so sick of looking at someone and immediately just feeling this rush of disappointment because my being accustomed to rejection makes me instantly feel like a single iota of that person’s attention or affection is reserved for literally anybody else but me. I don’t deserve to feel that way every single time I like someone. I don’t deserve to have to settle for something I don’t want and then use that as a re-affirmation of the fact that I always get rejected.

I know I deserve what I want but CLEARLY it does not want me. So I’m done trying. I will NEVER ever have a crush of somebody ever a-fucken-gain. Never. I am sick and tired of being disappointed. I am sick and tired of being constantly rejected. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. All the people that I find attractive are reserved for somebody else. All the people that I like already have someone else. So there’s no point in me trying. There’s no one for me in a romantic regard. I’m nobody’s type. Which is fine. It’s okay to be nobody’s type. It’s okay to never be the object of desire of the person you want. It’s okay.

All this means is that you don’t have to try anymore. If you know that no one desires you in that way, then not feeling desired literally cannot hurt you. Rock bottom is just rock bottom and no it doesn’t have a basement. If the worst of your experiences come from being romantically rejected, how can it get worse? How much worse could it possibly get?

Because think about it, being romantically rejected all the time just produces the exact same feeling of sadness and desperation. If you expersience something enough, eventually you are going to become desensitized to it. Eventually, you’re going to notice it’s just the same feeling coming up over, and over, and over again. And eventually you’re gonna get bored of it. Your ability to indulge in those negative feelings is going to diminish and one day whether you like it or not, you just won’t care about it. Maybe not today. Or tomorrow, or even the day after that. But eventually you just won’t care.

If everyone I like or take a mild interest in is already reserved for someone else, the best thing I can do for myself is just let that person occupy their reservation. I give up. I don’t want it anymore. Clearly it’s not meant for me so I will let the person who they are meant for have them. Take them because never again will I waste my time desiring someone. In fact I’m even working on how to stop finding real people attractive altogether because it’s not even an ability that I need. I have my virtual asmr boyfriends who satisfy exactly what I want when I want it. I know how to give myself fantastic orgasms. I don’t need romance from another person so why should I keep torturing myself trying to obtain it. Just give it up. I promise you’ll feel a lot better a lot sooner <3