01. Approval & Validation

Introduction to Approval and Validation

  • The theme of the session is the obsession with approval and validation.

  • The speakers emphasize how this need can dominate one’s life.

Origins of the Need for Approval

  • Conditioning during Childhood:

    • Punishment and Reward: Children are often punished for bad behavior and rewarded for good behavior, instilling a need for external validation early on.

    • Limited Perspective: Children have a restricted view of the world, leading to misunderstandings about love and safety.

    • Dependence on Caregivers: Children rely on their caregivers for survival, establishing a link between approval and safety.

  • Conclusions Drawn:

    • Approval is equated with love and survival, while disapproval is seen as a potential risk of abandonment or death.

Societal Conditioning

  • Rules and Guidelines: Society establishes norms that individuals feel compelled to follow for approval.

  • Cycle of Rewards and Punishments: Rewards symbolize love and safety, while punishments symbolize the risk of losing love which is essential for survival.

The Impact of Approval-Seeking

  • Creation of Split Personality:

    • The formation of an 'acceptable you' (the one that seeks approval) versus an 'unacceptable you' (the one that is disowned).

  • Chasing Approval Like Oxygen: The need for approval becomes vital, leading to a relentless pursuit of validation.

The Appeal of Fame

  • Fame as a Double-Edged Sword:

    • Many seek fame not for wealth or attention but for the validation it brings, believing it can provide unconditional love and security.

    • However, fame can expose vulnerabilities as well; more visibility means increased scrutiny and potential for disapproval.

  • Fame Doesn't Equate to Approval:

    • It simply amplifies one's presence without guaranteeing love or validation.

Analyzing Fame's Limitations

  • Not a Replacement for Self-Acceptance:

    • Fame does not ensure understanding or acceptance, and many famous individuals experience significant personal struggles.

  • The Illusion of Unconditional Love:

    • A misconception arises that fame will prevent disapproval, but it often leads to increased pressure and heightened fears of disapproval.

The Need to Let Go of Approval-Seeking

  • Necessity of Change:

    • Letting go of the need for approval doesn't mean abandoning the desire for it but rather altering one’s relationship with it.

  • Consequences of Approval Dependency:

    • It compromises authenticity, leading to inauthenticity in actions, beliefs, and identities.

    • It can enslave individuals to others’ opinions, hindering true freedom.

    • It fosters a constant state of anxiety and self-concern, paralyzing authentic expression.

    • A cycle of never being satisfied: the chase for approval is endless, perpetuating feelings of inadequacy.

Steps to Foster Self-Approval

  • Embrace and Integrate All Aspects of Self:

    • Acceptance of what society deems ‘unacceptable’ is essential for wholeness and fulfillment.

  • Self-Approval as a Tool:

    • Work on self-acceptance to decrease the dependency on external validation.

Reflection on the Nature of Approval

  • Fickleness of Approval:

    • Approval from others can be inconsistent; what may seem like approval today can easily shift to disapproval tomorrow.

  • Distinction Between Self and Perception of Others:

    • Realizing that others' opinions are often projections of their insecurities can liberate one from the need for validation.

    • Important to recognize that feedback reflects more about the individual giving it than about oneself.

Conclusion and Next Steps

  • Self-Reflection and Responsibility:

    • Engage in exercises that promote self-acceptance and integrate aspects of oneself that may have been disowned.

    • Recognize that the pursuit of external approval is not sustainable or beneficial for true happiness and fulfillment.