W3 L1: Close Relationships I : Getting Closer

when partners meet

  • signs of rommantic interest: smilling, eye contact, synchrony, mimicking, less distance, oriented towards each other

  • positive illusions: overlook inevitable imperfections once we’re in love

How do partners meet

  • from 2017-2025 there is an increase of 4% of couples meeting online

  • 18-29 more commonly find partners - 34%

  • 30-39 - 33%

  • 40-49 - 20%

  • 50-64 less commonly - 14%

why can online dating be disappointing?

  • may not feel as attracted to others when finding out who they “really” are as opposed to who we thought or wished they are

  • idealistic qualities are projected into other people before we meet them

  • mutual liking is hard to predict before two people actually meet

being in a happy relationship

Independence theory

  • social exchanhge theory - key theory

  • rewards and costs determine satisfaction and commitment

  • not necessarily conscious

rewards and costs

  • we pay more attention to costs - negative experiences - than rewards - positive experiences

  • costs are particularly influentioal

  • Gottman & Levenson (1992) - 5-1 ration of rewards to costs when people are satisfied in a relationship

  • outcome = rewards - costs

what makes people stay in a relationship?

investment model: Commitment

  • satisfaction - how happy are you in this relationship?

  • alternatives - how happy would you be in another relationshsip or alone?

  • investment - what have you put into this relationship that you eould lose if the relationship were to end?

  • satidfaction + investments + alternatives → commitment → stay or leave

  • Le & Agnew (2003) - tested the model with meta analysis

investments: pros and cons

  • high investments - may enable couples to weather the inevitable stormy times

  • they can also trap people in unhealthy relationships

- eg. women in high investment and poor alternatives are more likely to return to abusive partners (Rusbult & Martz, 1995)

why is commitment important

  • protects and maintains relationships

- derogate alternatiives: rate other as less attractive than their partners

- accommodate: respond more constructively when dissatisfied (eg. bite tongue during argument, try to work things out)

- make sacrifices when conflicts of interest arise

Attachment

  • intimate emotional bond to a particular individual who is seen as providing protection, comfort and support

individual differences in attachment

  • learn in early childhood what to expect from others

  • develop beliefs and expectations about others and self

  • these beliefs influence our thoughts, feelings and bhv in relationships

attachment orientations

  • Fraley et al. 2011

secure attachment

  • learned that proximity leads to support and protection, relief stress

  • turn to others when distressed

  • believe distress is manageable

  • more stable and satidfying relationships

dismissive-avoidant attachment

  • value self reliance and independent

  • Avoid seeking support when distressed

  • Expect relationship failure, averse to commitment

  • Relationships lack intimacy, keep partners at a distance

  • Feel higher levels of attraction when interacting with potential romantic alternatives

  • report feeling a sense of relief after break ups

anxious-preoccupied attachment

  • Hypervigilant about loss and rejection

  • When distressed, excessive reliance on others

  • Demanding of closeness, attention and approval

  • Intrusive, demanding, and overly disclosing

  • Hard time getting over break-ups

fearful-avoidant attachment

  • High anxiety: hypersensitive to potential hurt and rejection

  • High avoidance: withdraws when upset; avoid coping

  • Relatively poor personal and social adjustment

  • Difficulty expressing feelings

can we change?

  • more environment changes → more likely to change attachment

  • attachment style rahter stable over time - Hadiwijaya et al., 2020; Waldinger & Schultz, 2016

  • BUT new experiences matter for better or for worse

  • break-ups and new relationships - Fraley, 2019

  • become more secure with age - Chopik et al., 2019