CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS 1: (WK33):

  • there is a fundamental need to bond and affiliate with others

  • interconnection, attachment and intimate relationships are necessary for survival and happiness

  • Aristotle - ‘humans are social animals’

    • we experience a need to belong = a motivation to bond with others in relationships that provide positive and consistent interactions

FRIENDSHIP AND ATTRACTION:

  • there have been many proposed explanations

    • e.g. distance makes the heart grow fonder vs. out of sight, out of mind

WHERE DO YOU FIND A PARTNER?

  • there are many places to find a partner, such as:

    • educational institute

    • holidays

    • party

    • social gathering or event

      • typically, proximity predicts liking

  • geographical nearness or functional distance is a powerful predictor of liking

  • however, many dating apps in recent years have skewed this fact

  • 1) interaction

    • enables people to explore their similarities

    • sense another’s likes and help to perceive themselves as a social unit

  • 2) anticipation of future interaction

    • if we know we will need to interact with a person again, we will like them more

  • 3) mere exposure

    • familiarity fosters fondness

    • people develop a liking for things merely because they are familiar

    • familiar & safe vs. unfamiliar & possibly dangerous

  • 4) online dating

    • positives: exposes a whole new dating pool, can easily find people similar to you

    • negatives: can be dangerous or unrealistic

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A DATE?

  • sophisticated, intelligent people are unconcerned with superficial qualities like good looks

  • 1) attractiveness

    • men put more emphasis on physical attractiveness than women do

  • 2) the matching phenomenon

    • choosing a good match based on attractiveness AND other traits

  • 3) similarity & liking

  • 4) the physical-attractiveness stereotype

    • we assume beautiful people possess certain traits which are desirable, e.g. kind, intelligent

    • is the stereotype true? attractive children and young adults are more relaxed, outgoing and socially polished (self-fulfilling prophecy)

  • 5) physical attractiveness

    • BUT - attractiveness varies so much from culture to culture, and even with time in the same culture

    • evolutionary argument, physically attractive people are chosen due to reproductive strategy

    • beauty = young, fertile and healthy

    • Schmitt, Alcalay, Alik et al. (2003)

      • desire for sexual variety, 16,000 participants from 52 countries

      • results: men desired more partners, preferred shorter courting periods and looked for short-term relationships

    • women prefer the smell of t-shirts from more symmetrical men

    • strippers earn more tips when more fertile (ovulating?)

SIMILARITY VS. COMPLEMENTARY:

  • 1) similarity

    • there is a greater similarity between husband and wife (physical & psychological) that have higher happiness

    • they are less likely to divorce

  • 2) complementary

    • people seek out traits that complement or add what’s missing in potential relationships

    • however, dissimilarity may lead to avoidance

LIKING THOSE WHO LIKE US:

  • we have a deep need to belong and feel liked, which in turn makes us more ready to like those who already like us (returning the appreciation)

  • 1) attribution

    • why do they say they like us?

  • 2) self-esteem

    • what is my self-worth?

    • another’s approval is especially rewarding after we have been deprived of approval (Hatfield)

  • 3) gaining another’s esteem

    • constant approval can lose value