Chapter 9: Relationship Maintenance

Relationship Maintenance Behaviors

• Communication researchers have identified several relational maintenance behaviors:
  • Positivity: Optimistic and upbeat communication, such as compliments and cheerfulness.
  • Assurances: Communicating commitment to each other and the relationship.
  • Sharing Tasks: Doing things together, like chores, to show respect.
  • Acceptance: Making partners feel cared for regardless of circumstances.
  • Self-Disclosure: Revealing feelings, experiences, and goals.
  • Relationship Talks: Discussing the relationship, how one feels about it, and future goals.
  • Social Networks: Spending time with each other’s friends and family and supporting partners in doing so.

Theories of Relationship Maintenance

• There is no single way to maintain a relationship; it requires work from both parties.

Social Exchange Theory

• Views relationships through an economic lens, evaluating costs and benefits.
• Formalized by John Thibault and Harry Kelley.
• Relationship behavior is regulated by evaluating perceived rewards and costs.
• Evaluation involves a mathematical equation: $Outcome = Benefits - Costs$
  • If the outcome is positive, the relationship continues; if not, it dissipates.
  • People try to maximize benefits and minimize costs (minimax principle).
• Benefits:
  • Companionship.
  • Emotional support.
  • Social support.
  • Instrumental support.
  • Feelings of love and belonging.
• Costs:
  • Time spent on unenjoyable activities.
  • Emotional distress.
  • Obligations.
• Satisfaction depends on the balance of perceived costs and rewards.
• Expectations and prior experiences also impact decisions.
• Comparison Level (CL):
  • General expectations for a certain type of relationship.
  • Based on previous interactions, family interactions, cultural expectations, and media portrayals.
  • If the current relationship meets or exceeds the CL, one is satisfied.
  • If the current relationship falls short of the CL, one is dissatisfied.
• Comparison Level of Alternatives (CLalt):
  • Comparing the current relationship to other possible relationship options.
  • Existing relationships become less stable as other people seem more attractive alternatives.
  • The best-case scenario is when the relationship is better than both the CL and CLalt.
• The CLalt explains why people stay in unsatisfactory or abusive relationships:
  • They may be convinced they are worthless.
  • They may believe nobody else would want them.
  • They may have never experienced a healthy relationship.
  • A bad relationship may be perceived as better than none at all.

Communication Privacy Management

• Developed by Sandra Petronio to explain how people manage sharing secrets and private information.
• Offers a framework for navigating the management of private matters.
• Private Information:
  • Information individuals believe they have the right to own.
  • Should not be shared unless an intentional decision has been made to do so.
  • Can be positive or negative and permanently or temporarily secret.
  • Examples: medical conditions, new relationships, GPA, immigration status, income, and sexual orientation.
• Sharing information creates co-owners of that information.
  • Deliberate Confidants: Chosen individuals to whom information is disclosed.
  • Accidental: Others who overhear private conversations.
• Boundary Linkage: Sharing private information creates a connection with another person.
• Boundary Ownership: Establishes rules for the spread of information.
• Boundary Permeability: The degree to which information can be shared.
  • Thick Boundary: Information should not be shared.
  • Thin Boundary: Information can be shared fairly widely.
• It's important to communicate whether shared information should be kept in confidence.
• Boundary Turbulence: Problems occur when private information is shared with others.
  • Direct Violation: Deliberate sharing against wishes.
  • Failure to State Boundaries: Lack of explicit communication about boundaries.
• Sharing confidential information involves trust, and breaking that trust requires determining how to proceed with the relationship.

Everyday Talk

• Relationships evolve through interpersonal interactions.
• Even after significant changes like divorce, a relationship history remains.
• Feelings about relationships fluctuate.
• Relationships are always in the process of becoming (Steve Duck), not static.
• Much of a relationship occurs in mundane conversations and joint activities.
• Most conversations, even in intimate relationships, consist of everyday talk.
• Goldsmith and Baxter identified 29 kinds of "everyday talk", grouped into six categories.
• Superficial/informal talk (small talk, catching up, gossiping, joking around) is more common than deep/relational talk (love talk, making up, talking about problems, conflict).
• Everyday interactions are crucial for developing and maintaining relationships.
• Simple activities like watching TV or playing video games together can strengthen relationships.

Relational Dialectics

• Focuses on how relationships are negotiated over time.
• Explains the management of competing desires and the ebb and flow of relationships.
• Relationships are products and producers of dialectical tensions (Baxter and Montgomery).
• Dialectical Tensions: Essential yet oppositional needs or desires within relationships.
  • Internal struggles experienced by both parties.
  • Must be constantly managed.
• Three Primary Dialectical Tensions:
  • Integration and Separation:
    • Dynamic between being a couple and being individuals.
    • Internal: Connection and Autonomy: Balancing the desire to feel close versus maintaining individual interests.
    • External: Inclusion and Seclusion: Balancing time with friends and family versus time alone as a couple.
  • Stability and Change:
    • Desire for a stable, consistent relationship versus spontaneity.
    • Internal: Certainty and Uncertainty: Balancing the need for predictability with the need for novelty.
    • External: Conventionality and Uniqueness: Balancing traditional relationship norms with unique experiences.
  • Expression and Nonexpression:
    • Relates explicitly to communication.
    • Internal: Openness and Closedness: Balancing disclosure with privacy.
    • External: Revelation and Concealment: Deciding what to share with the community.
• Managing Dialectical Tensions:
  • Spiraling Inversion: Alternating between needs.
  • Segmentation: Privileging parts based on context.
  • Balance: Compromising to partially fulfill each need.
  • Integration: Fulfilling both opposing forces simultaneously.
  • Recalibration: Reframing contradictions.
  • Reaffirmation: Accepting contradictions and celebrating the tension.
• Theories are sense-making devices, and each one makes arguments about the world we can choose to accept and use or not.

Dialogic Communication in Ongoing Relationships

• Relationships require time, attention, and work to maintain.
• Must be consciously maintained in positive ways.
• Suggestions for keeping social relationships alive while privileging dialogue:
  • Embrace New Experiences:
    • Be open to trying new things your partner enjoys.
    • Remember it is important to maintain some sense of stability, predictability, and routine in your relationships.
  • Privilege Quality and Quantity Time:
    • Quantity of time matters just as much as quality of time.
    • Everyday activities and conversations demonstrate commitment.
  • Demonstrate Fidelity to the Relationship:
    • Verbally and nonverbally show you value the relationship.
    • Expressing value consistently reinforces commitment.
    • Time is a precious commodity, and how you spend it matters.
  • Avoid Judging or Controlling Your Partner:
    • Relationships are built on mutuality.
    • Judgment or control can damage the relationship.
  • Celebrate Commonalities and Appreciate Differences:
    • Celebrate shared interests and beliefs.
    • Accept and understand differences without trying to change your partner.
  • Give Your Partner Space:
    • Maintain individuality, even in close relationships.
    • Separate activities and friendships enrich conversations and help maintain individual identity.