Naina Menon's Journey of Self-Discovery Through Clothing

Naina's Velvet Affair

Naina Menon's fascination with velvet began early in life and has remained a constant passion.
Velvet was historically a royal fabric but decreased in demand over time.

Childhood and Discovery

Naina describes feeling like a girl in a boy's body from a young age, a realization that came later in life.
Her father was a government servant, and her mother was a school teacher.
An elder sister was mostly away at college and later married, leading to a lack of bonding during Naina's childhood.

The Velvet Blouse

In the summer of 1998, while searching for hidden chocolates, Naina discovered her mother's velvet blouse.
The jet-black, shiny blouse mesmerized her with its royal appearance.
At a party, seeing an aunt wearing a similar velvet blouse triggered a deeper connection to the fabric.

Experimentation and Self-Discovery

Naina tried on the velvet blouse in front of the mirror, experiencing a sense of self-discovery.
She combined the blouse with a petticoat and saree, completing the look with a bindi.
This experience marked the first time she truly met herself, feeling happy and complete.

Exploration Through Clothing

Naina continued to explore her identity by wearing the velvet blouse and saree whenever alone.

The Frilly Frock

Her mother borrowed a British lady's frilly frock for a kitty party drama, along with black stockings.
Naina tried on the frock and stockings, which felt like a second skin, enhancing her sense of self.
She felt magical and different, meeting this side of herself whenever possible.

Transition and New Beginnings

The family moved to Trivandrum due to her father's transfer, bringing new schools and friends.
During summer holidays, she felt bored as her mother's school schedule differed from hers.

Grey Salwar Kameez

Searching for the velvet blouse, Naina found and wore a grey salwar kameez that no longer fit her mother.
She felt something was missing and began stuffing a bra with socks to simulate breasts.
Covering the "breasts" with a dupatta, she admired the growing girl in the mirror.
These dressing-up sessions lasted about an hour each day until the maid's return.

Reshma Didi's Arrival

One day, while dressed in the salwar kameez, the maid, Reshma didi, arrived unexpectedly.
To her relief, Reshma didi admired her appearance instead of mocking her.
They formed a close bond, filling the void left by Naina's absent sister.
Naina would dress up daily and spend time with Reshma didi, changing back before her departure.

Reshma's Support

Reshma didi taught Naina how to drape a saree, enhancing her feeling of being a beautiful girl.
She styled Naina's saree and praised her appearance, reinforcing her self-image.
Reshma didi served their house for about a year.
Reshma even shared her own embroidered velvet blouse with Naina.
Reshma altered her routine to allow Naina more time to enjoy wearing the saree.
She bought Naina a velvet blouse with embroidery from the local market.
Reshma left to join her husband in Kuwait, maintaining brief contact through a phone call where Naina could express her true self.
Naina is grateful for Reshma's unconditional and non-judgmental love.

School and Online Identity

Senior Secondary School passed quickly, with Physics and Mathematics presenting new challenges.
Many students prepared for IIT, but Naina knew it wasn't for her.
Known for sports and extra-curricular activities, she was a popular House Captain.
She missed Reshma didi and the freedom to express her girly side.

Online Chatting

Naina enjoyed online chatting and cyber cafes, creating a fake identity named Vandana.
She chatted with older men, finding it a refreshing escape from studies.
The velvet blouse remained a symbol of her dream to look pretty.
She saved money to buy a velvet salwar kameez, which was becoming unfashionable.

The Velvet Salwar Kameez

She found a loose-fitting velvet suit and had a ladies tailor alter it, claiming it was for a school play.
Excited, she hid the suit in the storeroom for a later date.

Secret Dates with the Dress

Naina would secretly dress up in the velvet suit, hiding the clothes in the storeroom.
During board exams, she found occasional time to wear the dress.

Rooftop Encounter

One evening, while dressed up on the roof, she encountered the local help from the neighboring house.
The girl offered to help with makeup, and Naina agreed, hoping to form a similar bond as with Reshma didi.

Betrayal and Exposure

The next time she dressed up, the neighbor girl threatened to reveal her secret to her mother.
The girl exposed Naina, leading to a confrontation with her parents, who dismissed it as not serious.
Naina felt confused, hurt, and lonely, lacking anyone to share her feelings with.
Her parents' generation and societal norms prevented them from understanding or addressing her situation adequately.

College Life and Internal Conflict

Naina joined a good engineering college in Bangalore, experiencing new challenges and independence.
She wasn't happy being with the boys and felt uncomfortable, a feeling she later understood.
Weekends were spent visiting her aunt, Priya, who provided delicious meals and a family environment.
The distance from the hostel to college led to bunking classes, exacerbating her feelings of discomfort and being in the wrong body.

Yearning for Femininity

College life wasn't treating her well, despite her academic efforts.
She had many female friends and admired their beauty, clothes, and hairstyles.
She questioned why she couldn't have the same choices and felt disturbed by her gender identity.
She wondered if her life was a punishment for not being born a girl.

Priya Auntie's Support

One day, skipping college, she visited Priya auntie, who supported her by arranging a velvet salwar kameez.
They visited Geeta auntie, who provided a green velvet suit.
Naina tried on the suit, feeling mesmerized by its beauty.
Geeta auntie altered the dress to fit her perfectly.

Transformation and Acceptance

Naina added lingerie and a wig, transforming herself into a girl.
The aunties adored her and appreciated her figure, making her feel validated.
Priya auntie treated her like a girl, acknowledging her inner identity.
She helped Priya auntie with household chores while dressed as a girl.

Recognition as Shilpa

Two young girls visited, mistaking Naina for a girl named Shilpa.
Priya auntie played along, reinforcing the identity.
Naina liked the name Shilpa and adopted it as her first girl name.
Priya auntie took her to cosmetic shops, introducing her to bangles, jewelry, lipsticks, and kajal.
Priya auntie kept her promise not to reveal this to her parents.
They lost touch after Priya auntie's family moved, marking the end of this supportive phase.

Secret Plans and Ventures

Naina contemplated dressing up femme in a cyber café and walking out or driving a scooter in the city after sunset.
She planned to find an abandoned place near the cyber café to change clothes.

Mapping the Plan

She mapped out a detailed plan, including changing times, walking routes, and escape strategies.
She considered various scenarios and prepared responses for potential public issues or harassment.

Dressed in Secret

She packed her salwar kameez, lingerie, sandals, handbag, and an extra dupatta.
At the cyber café, she dressed up in her boy clothes over her femme attire.
She completed the superficial change and amateur make up in the abandoned construction floor above the cafe.
She felt scared while walking downstairs, but thankfully, she went unnoticed.
She started walking felt eyes staring at her, some even stopped to have a glance at her, since covering of my head really left some doubts in the minds of the people who got to look at me. She stuck to the plan and kept walking till the end of the road

The Juice Shop Encounter

Feeling thirsty, she stopped at a juice shop, where the shopkeeper seemed to scrutinize her.
She ordered orange juice with ice, feeling self-conscious and waited anxiously.
Thoughts of being caught or facing trouble with the police plagued her mind.

The Walk Back

She gulped down the juice quickly and paid, walking back to the changing place.
She changed back into her boy clothes, relieved to have returned safely.

Reflection and Resilience

The experience taught her the risks and foolishness of changing in an unknown place.
She felt grateful for her safety and saw it as a source of strength for future steps in her journey.
She believes it was her destiny to explore and express her true self.