Study Notes on Life and Death, Confronting Whiteness, and Running While Black.

Life and Death

  • Introduction

    • The author recalls hearing about the murder of Ahmaud Arbery while nursing her son, Kouri.

    • Reflects on the transformative experience of pregnancy; became aware of her pregnancy shortly after conception.

  • Pregnancy Experience

    • Physical changes: experienced a heavy feeling in her body three days after conception, tired from recovering from the 2018 NYC Marathon.

    • Medical intervention: prescribed progesterone to support the pregnancy as she was approaching thirty-five, termed geriatric pregnancy by doctors.

    • Side effects: near-constant nausea and vomiting; concern with bleeding during exercise, leading to multiple emergency room visits.

    • Shift from running to walking, then to bed rest due to discomfort.

  • Pregnancy Complications

    • Growth: Baby was in breech position; presence of fibroids complicating her pregnancy.

    • Encounter at a routine checkup revealed high blood pressure, leading to a diagnosis of preeclampsia.

  • Emergency C-Section

    • Immediate delivery was required due to medical complications, resulting in an emergency C-section.

    • Emotional response to being taken for surgery, fear of mortality expressed in a last-minute email to partner Amir regarding wishes for their son.

  • Hospital Experience

    • At Lenox Hill Hospital: anxiety over maternal mortality rates for Black women, heightened by the statistic of being three times more likely to die than white women.

    • Reflecting on institutional racism in healthcare and her concerns about how her pain would be viewed by medical staff.

    • Reflections on Serena Williams' experience with maternity care and its implications for Black women.

    • Experiences with painful medical procedures while worried about Kouri's well-being, including the administration of a steroid shot to aid the baby's lung development.

  • The Birth of Kouri

    • Emotional experience of delivery, sense of disbelief during surgery, and the immediacy of transition to motherhood.

    • Initial bonding hindered by immediate transfer of Kouri to NICU due to health complications.

    • Reflection on common maternal experiences, such as the wish for immediate skin-to-skin contact post-birth.

  • Postpartum Concerns

    • Returning home with Kouri three days after birth, mixed feelings of joy and fear regarding parenting and the high postpartum health risks for Black women.

    • Connection made to tragic cases like Kira Johnson and Shalon Irving, highlighting the reality of maternal mortality.

  • Mental Health Struggles

    • The author experiences postpartum anxiety and depression, manifested through terrifying intrusive thoughts.

    • Amir's support and intervention led to seeking professional help and an increase in antidepressants.

    • Gradual acceptance of motherhood and exploration of Kouri's personality over time.

  • Connection to Ahmaud Arbery's Murder

    • Reading about Ahmaud Arbery's death while breastfeeding and feeling anger and despair over the implications of racial violence.

    • Awareness of the pervasive dangers Black men face and the narratives placed on them by society.

    • The hashtag #IRunWithMaud representing solidarity within the running community.

  • Reactions from the Running Community

    • Investigation of how the murder had not garnered immediate attention from running publications despite its profound relevance.

    • Conversation with friends about the inherent risks and concerns for Black runners, drawing parallels between safety for runners regardless of gender.

    • The perspective that systemic racism places added burdens on Black individuals in public spaces.

  • Impact of the Videos

    • Author's internal conflict about watching the video of the shooting, ultimately deciding to view it.

    • Reflection on the emotional trauma and historical memory of violence against Black bodies; comparison to previous instances of racial violence in history.

    • Contemplation of fears parents have for their Black children amidst a violent and racially charged environment.

Confronting Whiteness

  • Motherhood Changes

    • Acknowledges personal growth and changes in perception after becoming a mother; prioritizes safety and racial justice for her son.

    • Takes initiative to address issues of race in the running community, empowered by her mother's instinct and the reality of raising a Black child.

  • Initiating Conversations

    • Contacts a prominent running publication editor to advocate for coverage of racial issues in the running community, particularly regarding Ahmaud's death.

    • A surge of support from the community arises, indicating a collective urgency for addressing these issues.

  • Running for Ahmaud

    • Partake in a run of remembrance (2.23 miles for Ahmaud's death date), dealing with internal conflict about the meaning of the run and personal motivations.

    • Ongoing conversation about the impacts of race on sports and public engagement from both the Black and white communities.

    • Frustration at dismissive attitudes and the tendency to blame the victim rather than address systemic issues.

  • Critique of the Running Community

    • Acknowledge the lack of action from the predominantly white running community regarding racial violence.

    • Call to remember that discussions should focus on the perpetrators, not the victim’s character or actions.

Running While Black

  • Post-Op-Ed Reflections

    • Author becomes withdrawn after publishing her op-ed; fears heightened due to recent police violence against Black individuals.

    • Introspects on the impact of racism on freedom of movement and the decision to avoid outdoor activities due to fear.

  • Reconnecting with Outdoor Spaces

    • Selects to go out with her son in a stroller, seeking a balance of safety and necessary movement outside.

    • Gathers awareness of incidents of police violence and surveillance towards Black individuals in public spaces.

  • General Feelings of Anxiety and Hypervigilance

    • Shares stories and conversations about safety in public environments, reinforcing the stress rooted in racial dynamics.

    • Discusses personal strategies for surviving racial encounters while enjoying running.

  • Call to Action and Conversations in the Community

    • Involvement in discussions about addressing systemic racism within the running industry, dealing with resistance and fragility from white peers.

    • Personal revelations from white counterparts in understanding their privilege and the systemic nature of racism.

  • Engaging in Coalition Work

    • Collaboration with a coalition seeking to address diversity and inclusion in the running industry, facing challenges in pushing for truthful dialogue around race.

  • Conclusion on Systemic Challenges

    • Ongoing struggle to promote awareness while dealing with the reality of complying with a predominantly white space's discomfort.

    • Highlights the need for sustained effort and commitment to truthfully engage with systemic racism to enact meaningful change in the industry.