Unit 11 Notes: Relational Transgressions Part 1

Overview of Relationship Deterioration and De-escalation

  • Focus on factors leading to relationship deterioration, particularly relational transgressions.

  • Researchers classify interpersonal communication into "dark side" and "bright side."

  • For this context, the dark side involves harmful behaviors and communications in relationships.

Relational Transgressions

  • Relational transgressions defined as violations of relational rules (implicit or explicit).

  • Importance of discussing relational transgressions in the context of emotional pain.

Emotional Pain in Relationships

  • Emotional pain often arises from actions of those closest to us (partners, friends, family).

  • Strongest connections can lead to the most significant hurt.

  • Devaluation defined: feeling unappreciated or unimportant. Can occur at:   - Individual Level: Example of job loss accompanied by hurtful comments about work ethic.   - Relational Level: Example of a partner communicating they no longer love you, or through unfaithfulness, which devalues the relationship.

Types of Hurtful Communication

  • Two main types of hurtful behaviors discussed:   - Relational Transgressions   - Hurtful Messages

Characteristics of Relational Transgressions

  • Severity: Varies from minor incidents (e.g., not returning a call) to severe violations (e.g., cheating).

  • Perceptions: Different interpretations of what constitutes a transgression can lead to conflict. Examples include:   - A friend hanging out with a disliked person.   - Dating a friend's ex.

  • Consequences: Can lead to irreparable damage in the relationship.

Common Transgressions Among College Students

  • Top identified transgressions:   - Having sex with another person.   - Wanting to/date others.   - Deceiving another about something significant.

  • Discussion prompts:   - Which transgression would cause the most harm if it occurred only once?   - Are there additional behaviors to consider for modern relationships?

Hurtful Messages

  • Defined: Words that elicit psychological pain, contradicting the saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

  • Perceptions of Intent: Messages perceived as intentional are more damaging.

  • Example shared by instructor about being called selfish and inconsiderate leads to emotional pain due to perceived targeting.

Types of Hurtful Messages

  • Five common types:   1. Evaluations: Negative judgments about worth or quality of partner/relationship (e.g., "this relationship is a waste of my time").   2. Accusations: Claims about another's faults or actions (e.g., "this is all your fault").   3. Informative Statements: Disclosures of unwanted information (e.g., "I was on the rebound").   4. Directives: Commands that conflict with partner's desires (e.g., "don't call me anymore").   5. Expressions of Desire: Statements about preferences (e.g., "I wish you were more like my ex").

Infidelity and its Impact on Relationships

  • Infidelity seen as particularly hurtful; often considered the least forgivable behavior.

  • Importance of the method of discovery in reactions to infidelity:   - Finding out from a third party vs. witnessing it directly vs. confession by the partner.

  • Research suggests that unexpected confessions (without prompting) are often more forgivable.

  • Types of infidelity discussed:   - Sexual Infidelity: Engaging in sexual activity with someone else.   - Emotional Infidelity: Investing love and attention into someone else.   - Communicative Infidelity: Engaging in sexual activity to communicate dissatisfaction to the partner.

Causes of Infidelity

  • Leading causes identified:   - Dissatisfaction with the current relationship.   - Boredom with the relationship.   - Boosting self-esteem or confidence.   - Sexual incompatibility.   - Seeking alternative support or excitement.

Gender Differences in Response to Infidelity

  • Evolutionary Psychology perspective suggests men prioritize sexual fidelity due to paternal investment concerns; women prioritize emotional fidelity due to relationship resource concerns.

  • Difficulties with evolutionary theory include:   - Assumption of inherent differences rather than learned behaviors.   - Cultural influences on gender responses are often ignored.

  • Double Shot Hypothesis suggests people respond to both types of infidelity with concerns about whether both actions (emotional and sexual) are occurring.

  • Research shows physiological responses vary by gender when imagining infidelity scenarios, supporting both perspectives.

Behavioral Cues Indicating Infidelity

  • Signs of Sexual Infidelity:   - Observable changes in partner's sexual behavior.   - Indirect signs like unfamiliar scents or exaggerated affection.   - Sexual interest changes (either increased or decreased).

  • Signs of Emotional Infidelity:   - Emotional disengagement or passive rejection.   - Negative communication or reluctance to discuss certain individuals.   - Inattentiveness towards the partner.

  • Signs Indicative of Both Types:   - Decreased effort into the relationship or increased contact with a third party.

Upcoming Topics

  • Next discussion will cover Jealousy and Deception as further relational transgressions.

Overview of Relational Transgressions

  • Relational transgressions are violations of implicit or explicit rules within relationships.

  • The severity of transgressions can vary greatly:   - Minor violations: forgetting important events, focusing on a phone during quality time ("fubbing").   - Severe violations: infidelity, cheating that can lead to relationship dissatisfaction and deterioration.

Examining Jealousy as a Transgression

  • Jealousy arises commonly in response to relationship transgressions, particularly suspected infidelity.

  • Jealousy can also be categorized as a transgression if it manifests from unfounded suspicions.

  • Example of Jealousy:   - A partner may feel jealous over their significant other working closely with someone perceived as a threat, despite reassurances that the relationship is purely professional.   - This leads to accusations or surveillance behaviors, signaling a lack of trust, thus breaching mutual trust, an implicit relationship rule.

Defining Jealousy

  • Jealousy:   - Concerns about possibly losing something of value (e.g., a partner, friendship, or social status) due to interference from a third party.

  • Related Concepts Distinct from Jealousy:   - Envy:     - Wanting something valuable possessed by someone else due to feelings of inadequacy (e.g., desiring aspects of another’s life).   - Rivalry:     - Competition between two parties for something neither currently possesses (e.g., dating the same person, sibling rivalry).

Types of Jealousy

  • Romantic Jealousy: Belief in a third-party threat to the romantic relationship.

  • Sexual Jealousy: Concern about a third party wanting to engage sexually with one’s partner.

  • Friend Jealousy: Worry that a partner's friendships threaten the relationship.

  • Family Jealousy: Fears of losing a partner in favor of their family.

  • Activity Jealousy: Concerns that a partner’s activities (e.g., sports, work) will detract from the relationship.

  • Power Jealousy: Feeling a loss of influence or authority in the relationship to others, such as a parent.

  • Intimacy Jealousy: Belief that a partner shares more intimate communication with another, whether in friendships or other relationships.

Understanding Jealous Thoughts and Feelings

  • Cognitive Responses:   - Evaluative appraisals of rival relationships, primary and secondary.   - Primary Appraisals: General evaluations of threats (e.g., questioning partner's loyalty).   - Secondary Appraisals: Specific evaluations regarding possible causes, outcomes, and alternatives.   - Example Questions:     - "Do they love someone else?"     - "How serious is the threat?"

  • Emotional Responses:   - Jealousy triggers feelings of fear, anger, sadness, guilt, and envy.   - Positive emotions can also arise, reflecting a sense of attachment and care.   - Jealousy, while negative, can communicate love and concern, suggesting relational investment.

Responses to Jealousy

  • Jealousy can elicit various responses categorized as:   - Constructive Responses: Integrative communication to openly discuss feelings and resolve issues.   - Destructive Responses: Negative communication such as arguing, sarcasm, or withdrawal.   - Avoidant Responses: Ignoring the issue, potentially leading to further complications.   - Rival-Focused Responses: Managing or confronting the perceived threat directly.

The Role of Communication in Jealousy

  • Integrative communication is an essential response when jealousy arises.

  • Effective communication helps to express negative emotions constructively, fostering empathy and understanding.

  • Avoiding shutdown or withdrawal enhances relational maintenance.

Transitioning to Deception

Defining Deception vs. Lying

  • Deception: Broadly defined as managing verbal and non-verbal messages to mislead someone into believing something false.

  • Deception is an umbrella term covering various misleading behaviors; lying is one specific type.

  • Example of Deception: Conducting an experiment with hidden recording devices without lying explicitly about recording consent.

  • Lying: Specific messages that falsify information intentionally without any prior notification.

  • Misconceptions:   - Equivocation, concealment, exaggeration, and half-truths are also forms of deception but do not always constitute lying directly.

Types of Deception

  • Equivocation: Indirect or ambiguous responses that mislead without outright lying.

  • Concealment: Omitting important details in communication to obscure the truth.

  • Exaggeration: Stretching or enhancing the truth in various contexts.

  • Half-Truths: Providing partial truth while omitting critical aspects to mislead.

Motivation Behind Deception

  • Deception may serve self-serving motives or relationship-focused motives.

  • Self-Focused Motives: Maintaining self-image, avoiding embarrassment, or criticism.

  • Relationship-Focused Motives: Protecting a partner’s feelings or maintaining relational harmony.

Detecting Deception

  • Assumptions of truth bias make it difficult for individuals to detect deception in close relationships.   - Truth bias leads to a tendency to believe people are telling the truth, particularly those we know well.

  • Behavioral familiarity allows for detection of atypical behaviors, but behavioral control can mask deception.

Interpersonal Deception Theory

  • Highlights that deception is an interactive process, requiring adaptation in response to feedback from others as the interaction unfolds.

Conclusion

  • Deception, while often viewed negatively, can sometimes protect relationships and avoid conflicts.

  • Understanding relational transgressions, particularly jealousy and deception, is crucial for fostering healthier communication and relational dynamics.