Communication in Families

Structure of Communication

  • Encoding: “Packaging” and sending a message

  • Decoding: Receives and attempts to “translate” the message

  • Feedback: The Receiver gives information back to the sender

  • Medium: The mode by which communication is transmitted (ex., words, visuals, written, etc.)

  • Noise: Contextual and environmental factors that disrupt message clarity

Noise

  • Noise in Communication: Contextual and environmental factors that interfere with the message

    • Environmental factors: Aspects of the environment that create challenges in either encoding or decoding

      • Literal noise

      • Light

      • Smells

      • Temperature

      • Other distractions

    • In other media, this could include spelling mistakes or grammatical errors.

  • Contextual Factors that Interfere with Communication: Societal positioning or power dynamics that interfere with the clear exchange of information

Five Principles of Communication

  1. One cannot Not Communicate

    • Even if you don’t talk, your body language can say a lot

    • What do you think when someone doesn’t respond to your text longer than normal?

    • What do you think when a family member doesn’t show up for the holidays?

  2. Communication is made up of the Content and the Relationship between people in communication

    • The content is the overt part of the communication

    • The relationship between people in communication defines how the content is understood

    • Your most annoying sibling asks you to loan them something, vs. your best friend asking you to loan them something

  3. Communication is an ongoing cycle

    • There is no start or end to communication; the relationship or the context always influences how communication goes

    • When we talk about starting or ending a communication, we are punctuating a part of a sequence

  4. Communication is made up of the literal meaning of words and the paraverbal (nonverbal) context of the words

    • Facial expression, body language, tone of voice, non-word vocalizations, and so on modify (or even contradict) the literal meaning of words or expressions

  5. Interactions are Symmetrical or Complementary

    • Symmetrical interactions are characterized by equality (in roles, tone, power, etc.)

    • Complementary interactions are characterized by roles, tone, power, etc that “fit” one another but are not the same (loud vs. quiet, authoritative vs. submissive, pursuing vs. distancing)

Gottman Communication Strategies: Ratio and Harsh Startups

  • 5 positives to 1 positive-to-negative ratio during interactions in healthy couples

    • Other studies have suggested that 20 overall positive interactions to 1 negative interaction is characteristic of healthy couples

  • Harsh startups

    • Beginning interactions harshly or going from neutral to harsh quickly can represent a severe problem in relationships

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

  1. Defensiveness: Typically, a response to criticism; we create excuses and play the victim

  2. Stonewalling: Usually a response to Contempt: shuts down, dissociates, and doesn’t engage with partner. Pretending to be busy, not responding to text messages (Never fight over text or email)

  3. Criticism: An attack on your partner; threatens their core character

    • A critique or complaint (healthy) is based on specific issues, not their overall being

  4. Contempt: Intentionally treating others with disrespect, use of sarcasm, or mocking. You believe to have moral superiority over your partner. A more extreme version of criticism

Competitive and Control Talk

  • Frequently, we try to influence others (go to the restaurant we want to, trying to win an argument)

    • Parents grilling children about their grades, or one partner asking the other where they’ve been, who they were with, and what they did

  • Interruption: We are impatient and controlling; we interrupt others to redirect the conversation where we want it to go

    • Confirmation interruption - ensuring they are understanding correctly

    • Unsupportive interruption - changing the subject, disagreeing, or negating

  • Non Sequitur - when there is an illogical change of subject where one idea does not logically follow another

    • Example: when fighting, one partner concludes that it is not logically supported by the evidence and information presented

  • Correcting and lecturing

    • Giving unsolicited advice, over-rehearsing a conversation, or attempting to persuade people through giving a sermon or soliloquy

    • Often done by parents, doctors, therapists, etc

  • Superlatives

    • Adding in unnecessary and unrealistic language to make our point

      • Examples: never, always

    • Use language to assert being “correct”

    • Generally reflects contempt and defensiveness in relationships

  • Sarcasm and cutting humor - a veiled attempt at disrespecting someone that is disguised as humor

    • This increases our sense of self while diminishing the other

    • Often seen in pop culture and sitcoms/talk shows

  • Distancing

    • Instead of fighting with someone, we create barriers

    • I’m too tired to fight with you, I’m going to be instead

  • Martyring

    • More specifically, a type of distancing strategy involves an aspect of manipulation. The individual engages in a behavior that is intended to elicit care from the other person

      • Often takes a remark out of context

      • “Oh, you don’t like my idea… well then i’ll just go quietly do the dishes and let you make all the decisions!”

      • “Fine, if you want to do everything, I’ll just sit here and read the paper. I’ll be the lazy slug you already think I am.”

      • Also can manifest as someone who complains about their burdens but does not accept help to reduce them

Cooperative Talk

Seeking Meaning

  • Mindful communication - we have a genuine curiosity about the other person and are not judgmental or thinking about how to respond

  • We ask them to provide examples, elaborate, and we genuinely try to understand their perspective on things

  • There is no ulterior motive - we are not listening to respond, make a sarcastic comment, or tell an interesting story that happened to us

  • Fosters emotional intimacy - disclosure is responded to by interest and curiosity

  • This is difficult to do

Seeking Clarification

  • We don’t always understand what someone else is trying to communicate

  • We need to ask for clarification

  • Not asking for clarification creates misunderstandings and assumptions

    • “Help me understand.”

    • “I’m not sure I’m following you”

    • “Can you say that again, but in a different way?”

    • “Can you provide an example?”

Reinforcing

  • This is a process where you encourage people to keep talking

    • Verbals: Umm hmmm

    • Non-Verbal: Nodding head

  • This communicates that even though the content may not be of great importance, the fact that it’s important to them and we are paying attention sends a deeper message: we care

Seeking Congruence

  • Congruent messages: when the intent and content are attempting to communicate the same thing

    • Saying I love you softly and kissing your partner on the forehead - highly congruent

  • Incongruent messages: when the intent and content send mixed or opposing signals

    • Saying I love you and angrily slamming the door after a fight

  • Congruent communication is essential, and incongruent communication can be passive-aggressive

Appropriate Self Disclosure

  • Self-Disclosure: revealing personal information to others that would not have been otherwise known

  • Self-disclosure increases over time. Generally, people start with small details that they would likely tell many people. Over time, and as people are responsive, self-disclosure gets more and more intimate

    • First date: talk about your passions, your family, hobbies, and interests

    • First date: You don’t talk about family secrets, your medical history, or your exes

  • Even in longstanding marriages, you don’t self-disclose everything

    • No individual information that isn’t shared is codependency

  • What do I tell and what do I not tell

    • Deception and manipulation

    • If it will directly or indirectly have an impact on your relationship or partner

Meta Communication

  • Meta communication - communicating about communicating

    • Example: Why do you argue in that way

    • Example: I was trying to support you, but it didn’t seem to work, so why is that?

  • Aside - I don’t like why questions. They can feel accusatory and can elicit defensiveness.

    • I say: Help me understand that because I’m not getting it

  • Metacommunication is identifying second-order processes that inform first-order processes (ex., communication)