Notes from Coming Out As Dalit

Author’s Note

• Yashica Dutt spent nearly ten years working as a journalist in Delhi and never considered writing a book until she came out as Dalit.
• After coming out, she realized her life was connected to a larger narrative and wanted to share the stories of ignored Dalits to paint a picture of modern casteism.
• Dutt notes that caste is an invisible force that affects almost every system in India, influencing decisions in justice, government, and media, often excluding lower castes.
• The book aims to show how caste is integral to all aspects of life, not just limited to issues like manual scavenging or reservation.
• It includes diverse Dalit experiences from cities and villages, those who embrace Ambedkar's teachings and those who don't, and those who are open about their Dalit identity and those who are not.
• Dutt doesn't question the existence of casteism; she aims to amplify the voices of those who have been marginalized.
• She acknowledges that the terms "upper" and "lower" castes are arbitrary and offensive but uses them for understanding, rejecting their implied superiority or inferiority.

Prologue

• Hiding one's identity is likened to leading a double life, causing a sense of not belonging and the creation of masks.
• Many Dalits hide their caste, hoping to fit into upper-caste society, using stolen identities to gain entry into forbidden spaces.
• Those who don't exhibit upper-caste traits or refuse to hide their caste face punishment through discrimination, humiliation, and oppression.
• Dalitness is marked by violence and injustice, often ignored by mainstream media.
• Cultural insensitivity is highlighted with the example of a jazz bar naming a music group 'Bhangijumping', unaware of the offensive undertones of the term 'Bhangi'.
• The author challenges the notion that India is post-caste and criticizes the backlash against reservation.
• The author's father and grandfather concealed their Dalit identity by dropping the 'Bhangi' last name.
• The author reflects on her childhood experiences of hiding her caste and the shame associated with it.
• The author recalls her mother awkwardly explaining her inter-caste marriage and the frequent disbelief and rejection they faced.
• The incident of Rohith Vemula's suicide becomes a catalyst for the author's self-reflection.
• Rohith Vemula, a PhD scholar, committed suicide due to caste-based persecution at Hyderabad University.
• The author reads Rohith's letter, which deeply affects her, especially the line: 'My birth is my fatal accident.'
• Rohith's use of English, a language the author hoped would help her escape her Dalit identity, resonates with her.
• The author recognizes education as a crucial tool for Dalits to combat caste discrimination.
• The author had previously deleted a friend request from Rohith Vemula, which she now regrets.
• Rohith Vemula embraced his Dalitness and fought against caste prejudice.
• The author acknowledges her own fear of being discovered as Dalit and the lengths she went to hide her identity.
• The author recognizes the possibility that her life could have been like Rohith's under different circumstances.
• She decides to confront her own ways of being and seeks to find a deeper narrative of Dalits passing as upper caste.
• Unable to find stories addressing the anxiety of concealing one's identity, she creates a Tumblr page for Dalits passing as upper caste to share their experiences anonymously.
• Before creating this platform, she decides to come out as Dalit herself.
• The author lists the pros and cons of revealing her identity, recognizing the potential impact on her life.
• She reclaims the saffron color, associated with Hindu fundamentalists, for the microsite's header as a form of resistance.
• She defines 'DALIT' in English and Hindi as 'one who has been oppressed', marking a moment of self-acceptance and empathy.
• She announces her coming out as Dalit on Facebook with her independent journalism project.
• She anticipates varied reactions, including disgust from caste supremacists and sympathy from others.
• She realizes she is ending her struggle of hiding and turning her Dalitness into a source of pride.
• She uploads Rohith's photograph alongside her note and publishes it.
• Rohith Vemula's life and death inspired her to take this step.
• The author shares her personal experience of growing up Dalit and hiding her identity.
• She recalls lying about her caste, creating elaborate backstories, and conveniently forgetting her grandfather's dropped last name.
• Visiting Rohith Vemula's Facebook page made her realize she had ignored his friend request, prompting her to come out.
• Rohith made her recognize her history of oppression and take pride in her identity.
• She starts "Documents of Dalit Discrimination" as a safe space for conversation about caste.
• The author envisions a space that goes beyond reservation and merit, echoing the hurt suffered silently by many.
• She is proud of her great-grandfather, who learned to write by scrawling with a stick in the mud because he wasn't allowed to hold a slate.
• Everything she had imagined before publishing the note turned out to be true as she could sense the shock waves through her friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.
• After publishing her note, the outpouring of shock, dismay, support, and accolades, was immediate, and the note went viral in less than twenty-four hours.
• The author felt nauseous due to the fact that her parents had no clue that she had gone and done exactly what they had protected her from all her life.
• As she was waiting for her brief appearance on NDTV to talk about the note, she realized she needed to tell her parents before they found out by watching it on live television. But she chickened out and sent them a text asking them to tune in.
• When her mother finally picked up the phone, for a moment, she lost her voice, then blurted: ‘Maine sab ko bata diya main Dalit hoon’ (I told everyone I am Dalit).
• Mum stayed silent for a few seconds that felt like an eternity, then, her voice heavy with tears, she said, ‘Jeetay raho, beta’ (Live long and prosper, my child).
• Her mother was worried about how would this affect her career prospects and was relieved that she was in New York.
• Her dad reacted with the same mix of joy and caution, however, the author points out even though she knew publishing that note was the right thing to do, she had felt some trepidation.
• Rohith Vemula showed her that it was possible to be Dalit and proud, and she hoped a smaller way to do for someone else what he had done for her, in possibly making them be less afraid.

The Early Years

• Until three generations ago, Dalits were denied access to learning; the author's great-grandfather defied this social order.
• The Civil Service Exam (CSE) holds a special appeal for Dalits, with 22.5% of government jobs reserved for them, including relaxations in cut-off marks, age, and attempts.
• The civil services symbolize social acceptability for Dalits, but social acceptance often remains elusive despite wealth and power.
• Instances of discrimination against Dalit civil servants in promotions and postings are common.
• None of India's top bureaucratic positions have been held by Dalits.
• Tina Dabi's top rank in the 2015 CSE was met with celebration and criticism, with arguments against reservation arising due to her family's successful careers.
• The anti-reservation brigade sees Dalit success as proof that discrimination doesn't exist, disregarding the systemic barriers they face.
• Indian society lacks spaces for Dalits to flourish; reservation provides entry, but genuine opportunities depend on individual drive and talent.
• The author’s grandfathers used civil service opportunities to secure a better future for their families, both passing the CSE after years of preparation.
• In the 1980s, educated Dalits held high positions in the Indian Civil Service.
• The author’s paternal grandfather was a Dalit Divisional Superintendent and her maternal grandfather was an inspector.
• The civil services facilitated the meeting of the author’s parents' families, who belonged to the same caste, Bhangi and were engaged within hours of the families meeting.
• The author’s mother had one condition, she wouldn’t marry anyone who drank alcohol, witnessing the pernicious effect alcohol had on her parent's marriage, and being anxious that the pattern didn’t follow in her own. Her father’s family assured her that her potential life partner was a teetotaller.
• At the time of her marriage, her mother was pursuing a Master’s degree in History. And had initially wanted to go to Allahabad University, but her father refused, thinking it would be easier to keep an eye on her if she wasn't so far from home.
• She had often heard him tell relatives and visitors that he would ‘make his daughter an IAS officer’, a somewhat far-out assertion in a largely patriarchal and conservative household. But rather, she wanted to join the Indian Police Force instead, like Kiran Bedi, the first woman to become an Indian Police Service (IPS) officer in 1972.
• Along with her no-alcohol stipulation, she also revealed her plans about wanting to join the IPS to her father and his family before their engagement.
• After the wedding, promises were broken, and the author's mother learned of her father’s fondness for alcohol; also added to his status as the oldest child of a successful, high-powered father and his own newly minted position as an Excise Inspector (he passed the CSE just before the wedding) grew into full-blown alcoholism soon after their marriage.
• When the author was born, her mother had spent the last few months of her pregnancy in a hospital bed. A few years later, Mum said that after months of dealing with Dad’s drunken abuse, his family’s apathy and the imminent collapse of her life as she had envisioned it—including her childhood desire to join the IPS—she decided to kill herself.
• When Dad started drinking, Mum decided to study despite being told not to, but Dad interpreted this as a taunt against his relatively low rank in the exam. She testified that he would drag her from the makeshift kitchen at the back of the house to their room, beating her all the while. One evening when he slapped her, the impact punctured her eardrum.
• Her sister not long after, Dad’s father ‘advised’ her to be a good daughter-in-law by not reporting her husband’s abuse to her family.
• Mum knew that if she decided to walk out on her marriage she would have no support—her parents would blame her for ruining the marriage prospects of her siblings; and seeing no way out of the situation, she did what good Indian daughters-in-law in her position do: she decided to kill herself.
• Seven months pregnant, she jumped from the roof of the house and shattered her left ankle, damaging it permanently, and her mother feared that she was also jeopardizing her survival; but after she gave birth, was declared complicated and the doctors doubted the chances of the author survival.
• Dalit women face immense physical and emotional brutality from their families. Dalit women—especially those from rural areas and those who are economically vulnerable, from urban or rural areas. Their lower class, female gender and lower caste make them more vulnerable to violence from their families and from society at large.
• Caste Hindu men in many regions consider Dalit women as sexual property.
• Dalit women who are granted access to education by their parents to overcome class barriers also face similar vulnerabilities. Their relative rise in class shields them from direct abuse from caste Hindus. But combined with their lower caste, it often ends up exposing them to a unique and perhaps more vicious strain of patriarchy within their own families.
• Until the author came out as Dalit, she passed as an upper-caste Hindu, which is a posturing by mimicking the customs, traditions and manners of a majority community.
• Dalits adopt lifestyle changes—changing their last names, moving cities, following rigid Brahminical traditions, turning vegetarian, exhibiting excessive religiosity—to appear more like upper-caste Hindus.
• In the early fifties, sociologist M. N. Srinivas popularized the term ‘Sanskritization’ , which is a form where lower castes were adopting upper-caste traditions to get ahead.
• Sociologist Dr Kancha Ilaiah in his canonical text Why I am not a Hindu (1996) explains how ‘Shudras’ —constitutionally termed as Other Backward Classes (OBCs)—in a bid to acquire greater political power imitate caste structures that closely align with Kshatriyas—the ruling caste.
• This imitation of caste structures involves Neo-Kshatriyas buying into the notion of caste hierarchy, and take to practising caste supremacy and casteism against Dalits who are directly beneath them in the caste structure.
• Families also place rigid restrictions on women making decisions and there is a general insecurity regarding women’s liberties—in choosing a life partner, career or level of education.
• The ‘Dalit-Bahujan’ economy is where, men and women are seen as equal providers where, despite the existence of patriarchy, Dalit-Bahujan women have marginally more freedom as compared to non-Dalit-Bahujan women.
• The author's earliest memory of her Dad is of him drinking, which would presage an impending argument between my parents.
• Her grandfather is the most successful member of his family so far, and one of the first in the family to protest against the caste system when he started working as a professional photographer.
• His protest against the caste system allowed the author's grandfather to graduate with a degree in English Literature, and he worked as a high school teacher while prepping for the CSE.
• His first wife worked as a manual scavenger, cleaning dry excrement from people’s homes. By the time he cleared the Rajasthan State CSE to become the first Dalit Municipal Magistrate in Ajmer, she had passed away without giving birth to any children, and my grandfather remarried.

The Caste System: How It Began

• Caste is an established reality in South Asia and South Asian communities across the world.
• Indian culture, in its broadest sense, while well known for its vibrancy in many aspects including food, dance, music, art, also has the hierarchal order of caste (and its patriarchal view of women) at its centre.
• Chaturvarna, the system that divides Hindus into four unequal castes and pushes Dalits (considered untouchables) outside of that system, was standard practice in the subcontinent long before the seventeenth century.
• British formalize the caste categories, even creating new ones, using what sociologist G. Aloysius calls a ‘statistical sleight of hand’ and ensured that Indians did not come together against them.
• Aloysius calls them ‘a particularly pragmatic type of imperialists…who were careful not to disturb the social order and this policy stood them well’ .
• Sociologist and human rights activist Gail Omvedt in her book Dalits and the Democratic Revolution: Dr Ambedkar and the Dalit Movement in Colonial India (1994) looks at the work of anthropologists such as Gregory Possehl, Morton Klass and Morton Fried to see how caste groups came about.
• These groups evolved into ‘jatis’ . However, these jatis existed mainly among Dravidians (believed to be the original inhabitants of the subcontinent) since there were no caste-like groups among the Aryans (people from Central Asia) when they came to the subcontinent.
• Aryans exaggerated the concepts of purity and pollution and used it to maintain their superiority.
• The British understanding of caste was predicated on the (now debunked) Aryan Invasion theory, also called the Aryan theory of race.
• European Orientalists, who were convinced of their superiority as white men, argued that Brahmins, Kshatriyas and Vaishyas were descended from the pure, superior Aryans.
• Dalits and Shudras, on the other hand, were mulnivasis—the original inhabitants of the Indian subcontinent.
• The narrative of Aryan superiority was already popular at the time: European Orientalists used it establish an ‘ethnic kinship between Europeans and ancient Vedic peoples’ and upper-caste Indians declared themselves equal to the ‘white-skinned conquerors’ and some upper-caste nationalist leaders of the time claimed the theory proved ‘their superiority over the low castes of the subcontinent’ .
• Social activist and anti-caste reformer Jyotirao Phule challenged this theory in the 1800s by denouncing Aryans as invaders who had exploited the rightful inhabitants of the Indian subcontinent—the Dalits and Shudras.
• There has been new evidence that indicates that the ‘Indo-European language speakers’ did not invade but migrated to the subcontinent around 2,000–1,500 bce.
• As the religion evolved, Manu—considered the first human by some—is believed to have written Manusmriti, a code of conduct, around 1,800 years ago. This a treatise delineates the place of everyone in society.
• Vedic scriptures and the Manusmriti states, Dalits were considered pollutants, where they lived outside the villages or main residential areas in bastis or wadas, used separate roads and water bodies and were denied direct association with the rest of society.
• The caste system’s unequal ranking that binds people to certain professions appears to have been created to protect the powerful few. The higher castes could avoid hard manual labour, guaranteeing them and their descendants generations of respected positions and the material wealth that follows from that.
• The concept of karma—paying for the sins of previous lives in subsequent lifetimes—was one means of accomplishing that. It convinced those who were born as lower caste that their status was a result of their own actions in previous lives.
• Dr B. R. Ambedkar propounded a theory of how untouchability could have come about, which is that during the Gupta Period (third to sixth century ce), Hindus stopped eating beef and turned vegetarian.
• Practices like sati, marriages of pre-pubescent girls, dehumanizing isolation of windows was used to control the surplus man and woman in a caste to maintain endogamy.
• The British did nothing to knock down a system as grossly unequal as caste and, in fact, exploited it to suit their interests.
• Laws that the British established sided with the upper-caste majority by claimed that they did not want to interfere in local beliefs and practices.
• Phule and Ambedkar both criticized the British for their spineless policies with regard to caste.
• Dalits were not allowed education under the caste system, the British did not force schools to admit Dalit children.
• At Independence, the British handed over the bureaucracy, judiciary, agriculture, media and education to the upper castes.
• British rulers did not see a difference between the various classes of colonial subjects. Even that marginal equality challenged the idea of Dalit ‘lowerness.
• British schools introduced the ideas of equality and liberty allowed Dalits to reject the narrative of upper-caste superiority.
• British created some freedoms for the lower castes, such as those introduced by the Christian missionaries from many parts of the world when they ventured into the subcontinent.
• British abolished slavery with the Indian Slavery Act of 1843. However, the British also exploited those ‘freed slaves’ by shipping them to other colonies, like the Caribbean Islands, as indentured labour.
• Around the middle of the nineteenth century, probably inspired by their work and teaching, many Dalits converted to Protestant Christianity in what was one of the biggest such mass conversions.
• Education was one part of the effort, but the missionaries also focused on improving social acceptance for Dalits.
• The caste system invaded Christianity, following the same patterns of exclusion and discrimination as it did in Hinduism.
• Dalit movements in Kerala started as early as the late 1800s. Among the most significant was the one led by Ayyankali, who was born in a non-slave agricultural Dalit Pulaya family.
• Ayyankali’s army to generate support for the cause, which consistently challenged discrimination against Dalits and engaged in radical acts of claiming public spaces that were banned to them. Upper-caste communities lashed out with violence.
• At the time of the framing of the Constitution of independent India, it became crucial to identify who the Dalits were so that reservation policies could be decided.
• Christian Dalits who face similar exclusion in jobs, landowning and inter-caste marriages still don’t have the same legal status as Dalits.
• In 1990, the Dalit Christian Leaders Forum demanded the same legal recognition as Sikh and Buddhist Dalits.

Education and Financial Strife

• Ajmer had all the essential conveniences and provided a perfect platform to transcend caste.
• Author's mother attempted to make the best of the author's difficult circumstance by doing things to show off class status, or that they were "equal" to up castes.
• The biggest show of the year would often be Author's birthday party, which was an occasion to declare their “higher” class status and camouflage their lower caste.
• The toughest act after class assertion was speaking perfect English.
• The author's parents spoke to each other in Hindi, but her parents spoke to her in English to gain her respect and acceptance.
• Her parents wanted her to join Sophia, so they prepared for the interview every chance they could.
• Sophia school’s convent education impacted Author's life in all the ways her mother thought they would; she finished most of her schooling there and even got elected as the head of the school council.
• Fashion and lifestyle choices were a significant but ultimately smaller part of that performance of upper-casteness.
• The author mentions the impact her siblings had on the family structure as they had grudgingly accepted a first-born daughter were not so magnanimous when Mum gave birth to a second girl. For all their progressiveness, that was two daughters too many.
• Even though the Author's family barely counted as lower middle class, she spent her first five years living the life of a coddled, upper-middle-class kid.
• When she was six, her jewellery was used as an alternative source of income.
• In 1992, with little jewellery left to sell, the author's mum decided the only way to keep Dad from drinking was to keep an eye on him at all times. So him and her children accompanied him to Merta City.
• Named somewhat ambitiously, Merta City then had a population of less than 30,000 and almost no decent schools. Here, her parents decided to enrol her in Sophia’s boarding school.
• A year earlier, while visiting the author's Mum’s parents’ house, one of her brothers had brazenly asked her why she wanted to 'inconvenience' her parents with her expensive school fees, which left her feeling like a spoiled, demanding child.
• Unlike other girls who had simply left their houses to share a huge hall-like space with seventy-five others, the author was also leaving the safety net of her family’s upper-caste performance by joining the hostel.
• By picking up little details like how they spoke, braided their hair or tucked in their sheets—some of the markers of upper-caste culture—the author would successfully blend in with them for the rest of her life.
• The author mentions that shoes that lit up with multi-coloured lights as she walked and high-quality buckets and mugs made from shiny plastic and matte gold studs for her ears were meant to convey that she and her family were rich so that no one would wonder if they were the right caste.
• Even for Dalit families who are better off, this ‘performance’ of being upper caste is necessary to blend in.
• Even as Author's Mum took her around the city buying unnecessarily expensive daily comforts, she knew there was one thing she had little control over—her skin colour.
• The author points out that they are a society that is obsessed with fairness and the Indian skin- whitening industry was worth around 450 million (`3,163 crore approximately) in 2016.
• The idea of white supremacy over other races gained strength in later centuries as the British expanded their colonial empire to the Indian subcontinent as well as other countries in Africa and Asia.
• Even if on some confused level the author understood that she needed to be fair to be accepted, and not ‘Dalit-looking’, there was no way she could explain that to them.
• The author shares that while packing her luggage for the boarding school at Sophia, Author's Mum had slipped in a bag of the dry powder she was supposed to mix with milk or water and use during her bath. She knew the caretaker did not appreciate Mum’s directive because she repeatedly reminded me of it for the two years I lived there, often humiliating me in front of my hostel mates. She began to have deep self-disgust and had grown to hate the bag that contained the upbtan.
• During those long months away from home, that bag was her connection to her mother.