People have the power to change
I’ll tell you what I really am. I have no strength, but I want it all. I have no knowledge, but all I do is dream. There’s nothing I can do, but I struggle in vain like an idiot. I… I hate— I hate myself. All I do is talk a big game and make myself sound like a big shot when I can’t do anything. I never do anything.
Deep down, I’m just a small, cowardly, filthy piece of trash and nothing, nothing about me has changed.
…
These words aren’t original, they came from Subaru Natsuki in Re:Zero, the biggest loser in the show oh I’m sorry was the biggest loser. To do a bit of character analysis cause this ain’t your speech Subaru always tried to act confident and smart, but was still capable of recognizing his behavior as cringe and stupid, yet continued acting that way, sometimes even doubling down on his actions because he was afraid to admit how foolish and pitiful his behavior actually is. Does anyone relate to this? Well I do.
When I was in elementary school I was the weird kid who had too much energy and was really talkative.I wasn’t always like that, alone I wasn’t hyper but somehow I ended up with the title of class clown. Maybe it's because I tended to yap a lot to classmates to amuse them?. I don't know why it just happened, but since I had the title I felt it was my duty to to entertain the class and quickly found out acting dumb was the best way to do it. Sure, a few kids thought I was annoying but the rest of the class loved me and I was glad to entertain my fellow classmates.
But everything changed when COVID hit and the world went into a lockdown. Since I never actually had close friends I could only ever speak to my family for two years so when I finally went to school I could barely speak to the kids because my social skills went out the window. Good thing or not,it wasn’t possible for me to act like the clown I was before. But even though I wasn't a clown, I was still dumb.
Maybe it's because I started daydreaming during lessons, but I couldn’t remember anything my teacher taught me, even when she was over it multiple times. I was too distracted, imagining that I was actually a really smart person who everyone loved and wanted to be friends with. In reality, I was bad at math, science, and history and I only had one friend. I was decent at writing but I didn’t feel special, because my oldest sister — the trophy kid — had a bigger passion for writing and was better at it. I felt inferior in every way, but I pretended to be content with it because daydreaming that I was amazing was enough for me. I never felt the need to change. I was scared too.
That is, until I watched Re:Zero.
When I was twelve I watched the show, not for any special reason but just because the characters looked colorful but when the main character, Subaru kept acting cringy, annoying, idiotic, and completely hopeless I had thought “This dude needs to man up.” but in all the fiction I’d seen he was the first character I hated to actually change. I honestly don’t want to spoil it too much so for those who actually want to watch the anime cover your ears. Subaru didn’t change out of nowhere it was because of the pushes people around him gave that pushed him to become a better person. I felt some strange emotion I never felt in my life before when watching. I wasn’t able to pinpoint it but I knew I didn’t like it. What I was feeling was confliction. I was happy that Subaru changed for the better but at the same time I didn’t want him to… because if someone that insufferable who always wanted to become amazing actually became incredible in horrible circumstances, then what excuse did I have to not put in any effort? None. I had no excuse except for the simple fact I didn’t want to.
After watching the anime I kept thinking about it everyday. It took over my daydreams until I was finally faced with an answer I understood; if I actually wanted to be like someone amazing I had to be like Subaru. So I went on my very own journey to become the best person I can be. To be honest I’m still on that journey but when I look back to the past I can smile and say that I changed a lot.
If you’ve noticed I never actually said what I believe in but if you’ve even slightly listened you’d have an idea; I believe that people can change if they have that first push. Subaru got his, I got mine. And maybe, without realizing it your push is waiting for you.