Recovery from Self-Abandonment and Codependency

Core Concepts of In-Depth Psychology and Self-Abandonment

In-depth psychology, often referred to as the psychology of the soul, utilizes a Jungian approach that focuses heavily on the unconscious mind. This perspective posits that all life struggles and events are not merely obstacles but are in service of an individual's path to individuation. Within this framework, self-abandonment is a critical barrier to authentic living.

Self-abandonment is defined as any action taken that goes against one's intuition, inner knowing, or true self (noted with a capital "S"). It involves the rejection, suppression, or neglect of various parts of the self. This behavior occurs when an individual, either consciously or unconsciously, chooses to present themselves in an inauthentic manner to secure love or maintain a specific attachment.

Behavioral Manifestations of Self-Abandonment

Self-abandonment is not a single act but a spectrum of behaviors that manifest in daily life. These behaviors include:

  • People pleasing and having a significant difficulty saying "no."
  • Failure to set or maintain healthy boundaries.
  • Perfectionist tendencies.
  • Chronic feelings of resentment.
  • Struggling to communicate personal feelings, needs, desires, or upsets.
  • Feeling "needy" simply for having basic human needs.
  • Playing the role of the peacekeeper and avoiding "rocking the boat" at all costs.
  • Difficulty staying in the present moment, characterized by constant worrying or planning for future "what if" scenarios.
  • Feeling stuck or unsure when faced with major life decisions.
  • Holding onto relationships long after others would have deemed them hopeless.
  • A distinct disconnection from the physical body.

The Survival Mechanism of Attachment

To understand why individuals self-abandon, one must understand the primal need for attachment. According to Gabor Mate, an MD specializing in childhood development, trauma, and addiction, humans have two fundamental needs: attachment and authenticity. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment always trumps authenticity.

Humans are born inherently helpless, and survival is entirely dependent on attachments to primary caregivers. Because humans are highly adaptable, they learn very early in life what behaviors are acceptable within their family of origin. This includes:

  • How to speak and what topics are considered off-limits.
  • How to relate to others within the family unit.
  • Which emotions are allowed to be felt and expressed.

Through this process, children categorize what parts of themselves lead to better attachment and what parts lead to rejection. Consequently, they learn that being their true self is unsafe or unacceptable. They suppress authentic feelings to accommodate the tolerances of their caregivers. As adults, this manifests as a struggle to speak up, an impulse to manage the emotional responses of others, and the belief that love is conditional on appearing a certain way.

Relational and Psychological Impacts

All self-abandoning behaviors are performed for the sake of acceptance and are fueled by a deep, primal fear of abandonment or rejection—whether by an individual, a group, or society. While these patterns initially serve as survival mechanisms to maintain attachment, they eventually lead to unfulfilling, codependent relationships in adulthood.

Furthermore, chronic self-abandonment is linked to several psychological and emotional conditions, including:

  • Anxiety and depression.
  • Addiction.
  • Persistent resentment and grief.
  • A general sense of dissatisfaction or disconnection from the self and others.

Implications for Coaching and Professional Integrity

For health coaches, recognizing and addressing personal self-abandoning behaviors is mandatory. A coach cannot lead a client through a process they have not navigated themselves. The principle is that people can only accept or tolerate in others what they can accept or tolerate in themselves.

Inauthenticity is easily detected; the "do as I say, not as I do" approach is ineffective in a therapeutic or coaching environment. Effective coaching requires self-understanding, self-compassion, and the groundedness to remain authentic regardless of the client's or others' reactions.

Tools for Recovery: Identity Work and Boundaries

Recovery from self-abandonment and codependency is essentially identity work. This involves developing a solid sense of self, which consists of self-knowledge, self-compassion, and self-connection.

  • Limits and Desires: Individuals must identify their limits before they can set boundaries. Similarly, they must understand their own desires and what makes them feel seen and loved before they can communicate those needs to others.
  • The Narrative Change: Many believe they must know themselves before they act, but self-knowledge often comes through the practice of setting boundaries. The narrative that one must be a certain way to be loved can only be changed through tangible experience, not just thought.
  • Risk and Nervous System Regulation: Setting a boundary carries the risk of rejection, or the risk of feeling "needy" or "too emotional." However, taking this risk is the only way to show the nervous system that it can survive these outcomes. It also opens the possibility of feeling respected and valued, leading to deeper, more vulnerable relationships.

Tool 1: Building an Emotional Vernacular

Most individuals grow up with a limited emotional vocabulary, restricted to primary emotions: happy, mad, glad, and sad. Recovery requires developing a more nuanced "emotional vernacular" to describe the hundreds or thousands of specific emotions that exist.

Exercise: Identifying Emotional Activation

  1. Recall a memory of emotional activation, such as a boundary violation, an unfulfilled need, or a moment where you "swallowed" your words to keep the peace. (Caution: Avoid memories that cause overwhelming spirals or ungrounding).
  2. Visualize the memory and locate where it is felt in the body.
  3. Look for clues of self-abandonment: anger, resentment, withdrawal, guilt, hurt, feeling powerless, confusion, feeling drained, or dissociation.
  4. Turn the "awareness dial" up to a level 1111.
  5. Pause and follow the thread from the primary emotion (e.g., "mad") down to the deeper, nuanced word.

Identifying these specific words allows individuals to communicate more clearly in real-time and recognize relational patterns that are no longer serving them.

Tool 2: Workshopping in Real-Time

Workshopping refers to the practice of being in the moment with another person during boundary setting or the communication of a hurt. It rejects the idea that a response must be "pre-packaged" or "perfectly wrapped" before it is shared.

Instead of going away to think a situation through and returning with a polished statement, workshopping involves staying live in the messiness of the interaction. One might say, "I don't really know if I can articulate it right now, but something you said just really hurt my feelings, and I'm not sure why." You do not need to have the "why" sorted out to communicate the emotion. Working it out live helps refine the articulation of the self and fosters a more authentic connection.