Reflections on Early Identity and a Formative Relationships

First contact with queer identity was not through media (TV) or urban experiences (day trips to the city).
Home environment lacked overt negative teachings but utilized subtle, non-verbal cues to communicate disapproval or discomfort.
- Parents would smile "a little too stiffly" when the subject of homosexuality was raised.
- Responses to the topic were characterized by a lack of affirmation or denial, followed by a "quiet pivot to the Lord and His benevolence."
External social environments, specifically school, introduced the concept of being a "lesbian" as a derogatory term or a source of shame.
- Classmates used the term before the narrator understood its meaning.
- There was a sense that peers could detect a part of the narrator's identity that the narrator had not yet begun to process.

The first gay person the narrator ever met was their best friend.
Their bond was cemented through music:
- They wrote lyrics together that were often nonsensical.
- The friend would insist on performing these songs for the narrator's parents.
- At the age of $11$ , the narrator felt extreme shyness and a reluctance to share their inner self (described as pulling their "heart out of my chest").
The narrator relied on the friend for strength during these performances:
- Anxiety would manifest as a churning stomach.
- The narrator would avoid eye contact with the parents by staring at the back of the friend’s head and their curls.
The friend was perceived as the "bravest person" the narrator had ever known.

The pivotal moment of the friend's coming out occurred in a neighborhood park, accompanied by the background noise of buzzing cicadas.
The friend's physical and emotional state during the confession included:
- A quiet voice, as if afraid of being overheard.
- A confessional tone that revealed a capacity for shame.
The narrator’s immediate internal response:
- An observation of the friend with intense focus, ensuring the friend remained physically and emotionally intact.
- A complete removal of any remaining personal bias.
- An overwhelming desire to comfort the friend, to pull the shame out of their body, and to discard it in a place where it could never be retrieved.

Physical distance was introduced into the relationship when the friend moved across the state at the age of $13$ .
Despite the distance and a lack of direct communication (no texting), the narrator continued to idolize the friend.
Social media became the primary medium for monitoring the friend’s life:
- The narrator liked every Instagram post "religiously."
- This behavior was motivated by a hope that the friend would reach out first.

The narrator eventually realized they held the same attractions as the friend.
Upon this realization, the narrator experienced a continued aversion to vulnerability, often putting their phone down to prevent themselves from messaging the friend.
The narrator remained hungry for the friend’s validation even years after their separation.
The relationship is explicitly defined as non-romantic:
- There was never a desire for physical intimacy (kissing).
- The connection was based on an intimate appreciation of the vulnerabilities the friend had shared—the "parts of you that you're tore out of your stomach and handed to me with trembling fingers."

The narrator expresses eternal gratitude for those who "set the stage" for current generations to feel and express their identities "loudly."
Pride is framed as a result of both individual history and the collective efforts of the queer community.