Clue: Wadsworth Lines (7-14)

i buttle, sir

SCENE 7

(going R/to painting)

PEACOCK: …. art appreciation, butler!

(open safe)

MUSTARD: … How original!

(throw in bag, close safe) There! Locked!

YVETTE: Oh yes! Ze key!

I’ll put it in my pocket.

PEACOCK: But what if you’re the murderer?

I’m not.

PEACOCK: But what if you are?

I’ve an idea- (window) we’ll throw it outside.

PEACOCK: But it’s raining “a l’exterieur”

I’m not suggesting we go outside. I’m suggesting we stay inside, but throw away the key.

PLUM: But you’d have to open the door, wouldn’t you?

I would.

MUSTARD: …. we’re trying to confiscate.

We might be overthinking this. I’m going to throw away the key. Follow me.

SCENE 8

(cross to front door, open it) AHHHH Not now! (close door)

MUSTARD: What? The body?

(GASP)

MUSTARD: The phone. What body?

What? There’s no body.There’s no body.

MUSTARD: There’s nobody in the study.

No!!! (prevent) No, no, that phone’s been disconnected. But I think there’s one upstairs.

MOTORIST: Alrighty then.

Right this way. (up L stairs)

MOTORIST: Thank you.

(shut door, center) Now listen… we haven’t much time. Our task is twofold. ONE: Find the evidence! TWO: Find the murderer.

MUSTARD: … Eenie-meenie-miney…

No. Mrs. White, you come with me. Professor Plum, you’re with Mrs. Peacock.Yvette, you go with Mr. Green; and Miss Scarlet, you’re with Eenie-Meenie.

PEACOCK: But what if someone doesn’t come back?

We’ll remember you fondly. Now, leave no door unopened. And… cherish your partner. This might be the last person you ever see.

(crissy crossy time)

-

SCENE 9

-

WHITE: Go on. I’ll be right behind you.

That’s why I’m nervous.

WHITE; But why? It’s just us. We’re alone.

That’s just it, Mrs. White. No man in his right mind would ever be alone with you.

WHITE:…. and I’ll go in here.

(L door)

WHITE: Are you going in?

Yes, are you?

WHITE: Yes.

(fake out x3) On the count of three. One… Three! (enter + exit)

WHITE: Nothing in that room.

Nothing in that room either.

WHITE: Shall we search the ballroom?

After you. (tango)

(criss-cross???)

-

PEACOCK: I haven’t been excited by something in a bedroom in years.

(criss-cross, peak out of R door, close it)

SCENE 10

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SCENE 11

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SCARLET/MUSTARD: HELP! HELP! MURDER! MURDER!

(enter R door, cross to L stairs) LET US IN! LET US IN!

S/M: LET US OUT! LET US OUT!

We can’t let you out! The door to the Lounge is locked!

SCARLET:… You locked the Motorist in here!

That’s right! I did! I do! I don’t the keys are gone!

YVETTE: Ze safe! It was unlocked!

Unlocked?! Impossible! I have the key! No I haven’t! It’s gone!

PLUM: … throw away the key to the safe, Wadsworth!

I did say that! But I didn’t do that! We got distracted by the Motorist at the door and I forgot. One of you must have snatched the keys from my pocket when we were searching the house.

PLUM: So whoever took the keys is the killer.

Precisely.

PLUM: … Who designed this place?

The Parker Brothers

(door bell x3)

(window, door, huddle)

PLUM: Quick! I’ll hide the gun! (knock x3)

Don’t worry, it’s not the police.

COP: It’s the police!

(GASP)

GREEN: I’m going to open the door.

No!

COP: … stop by for help, by any chance.

No.

COP: …. can I come in and use the phone?

No!

PLUM: Occupied. GREEN: Uhhh…

(step down, left of Cop) If you please, sir, you may use the phone in the Library. Right this way.

COP: You’re all acting rather peculiar.

It’s because our chandelier fell down.

(Ad-libs)

It could have killed us. But don’t worry, the maid will clean it up.

COP: … what’s going on in the Lounge and Study.

(cross R) Lounging. Studying. This way…

COP: Let me have a look.

No thank you.

COP: What?

Hm? This way please.

COP: Actually, I’d like to take a look around if you don’t mind.

Of course, officer. Follow me. (L) I’ll take you on a grand tour of Boddy Manor. (exit L) This home was built be Lord Reginald Boddy in 1784…

SCARLET: … and get rid of this guy.

This way please. Lord Boddy had been declared Lord Boddy after somebody discovered an antibody that would save everybody. (enter L) Notice the mahogany floors. (snow angels) Did you know, in the 17th century, John Esquemeling recorded the use of mahogany for making canoes? (canoe on floor) Can you canoe?

COP: Hey - where’d everybody go?

(L door) Notice the brass door knobs. Crafted specifically for Lord Boddy by his buddy in 1878.

COP: … What are you hiding in those two rooms?

Uh… which two rooms?

COP: The Lounge and the Study!

(cross around R) Oh… Oh. Ohhhhh. Those two rooms-

COP: Yes!

No! Officer, I don’t think you should go in there.

COP: Why not?

Because it’s … all too shocking! (get pushed)

(by window) COP: … Why didn’t you tell me this was a party?

My… apologies, sir.

(front door) COP: Same to you. Well…

I can explain everything.

COP: … There’s nothing illegal about this.

There’s not?

COP: … May I use your phone?

Certainly. (R stairs) The Library, Officer.

COP: Thank you.

(close and lock door) All’s clear. You can come out now. Well done, all of you. Impressive.

(Ad-libbing)

(get annoyed) Psst! All right, I’ve locked him in the Library.

SCARLET: … you didn’t have the keys!

I didn’t have my right-pocket keys. But my left-pocket keys are intact. Now- let’s finish searching the Manor! The police are on their way!

GREEN: .. “criminal-investigation” police.

Precisely. We must find the evidence and we can’t afford to have any more murders! This is getting dangerous. Now go! (exit R door)

SCENE 12

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SCENE 13

(enter R door, ad-libbing, huddle center)

PEACOCK: That’s where the killer must be!

I’m going in.

SCARLET: Aren’t you afraid?

Of course.

PLUM: Of what? A fate worse than death?

No… just death. (up R stairs, off stage) Excuse me, Mr. Cop. Are you alright? Do you need assistance? A phone book perhaps?

PEACOCK: (screams and runs away)

(scream, shove hand inside, close door, go to couch) We should all be safe here.

PLUM: .. to pass the time.

(pool-related ad-libs, Yvette falls, SCREAM, center)

SCENE 14

(cross to front door, shove girls outside, close door) Five/four murders in three minutes.

SCARLET: Ain’t that the million dollar question.

(down C) Sometimes the most obvious answer is right under our noses. I think the best course of action is to retrace our steps. It all started like this.. (olaf presents)

(end up center-ish)

And here we all are. (bow)

GREEN: Nothing.

Well…

SCARLET: … I know who the murderer is!

You do?!

SCARLET: I do!

All right then. We’re listening, Miss Scarlet. Who do you accuse?

PLUM: … It wasn’t me.

(step between em) Well. The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the gun is the murderer. (gasp when its revealed)

PLUM: … if you’re all dead.

(crossing to F door) That may be so, Professor Plum. But if we’re alive… (open door) Officers. (point) There’s your man.

PLUM: …. It happened like this…

(rewind) All right then. We’re listening, Professor Plum. Who do you accuse?

MUSTARD: That’s a lie!

(step forward) The Wrench is missing, Gentlemen turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the Wrench, is the murderer.

(cops enter)

There’s your man, officer. Not a colonel of truth in him.

MUSTARD: You have it all wrong! It happened like this…

(rewind) We’re listening, Colonel. Who do you accuse?

WHITE: … But just because I hated her, doesn’t mean I killed her!

The Rope is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies…

WHITE: It happened like this…

(rewind) Mrs. White, who do you accuse?

WHITE: … I found your feather by the corpse!

Gentlemen, turn out your pockets…

CHIEF: I’m Barry D. Hatchett.

Chief of Police.

PEACOCK: But that’s not how it happened!

IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS!

SCARLET: You can’t do this to me!

Frankly, Miss Scarlet, I don’t give a damn. But- it really happened like this. (rewind) I know who the murderer is.

Who?!

All of you! Freeze! (reveal gun) Nobody move! You’re all killers!

SCARLET: You can’t prove anything, Mr. Wadsworth!

I’m not Mr. Wadsworth. I’m Mr. Boddy!

PEACOCK: … bled all over me!

It wasn’t Boddy who was bleeding.

MUSTARD: … then who was he?

He was Wadsworth. My butler.

SCARLET: … your purpose in dragging this all out?

(work center) Well, when you started murdering people, I decided to roll dice. See if you’d self-implode. Kill off my entire network of spies and informers. Which you all did, splendidly, by the way. Generously leaving your fingerprints on every glass, doorknob, and … dead body. So, now I have each of you on the hook for murder!

PEACOCK: Murder?!

(cross couch..?) Bribery for petty crimes is one thing .. but murder? Now that could get expensive.

PEACOCK: … retracing our steps?!

It’s all part of the game.

Game?!

Well, yeah, I’m relaxed now, you see. Now that you’ve killed everyone off- there’s no evidence left against me. I’ve got off… scot-free.

PLUM: … You’ll never get away with this!

(cross L, laughing)

WHITE: They were never on their way.

Now, listen up, you reprobates. We’re gonna stack the bodies in the cellar, lock the cellar door, leave Boddy Manor one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.

PLUM: I can’t forget all this!

(center) With murder on the menu, the price of blackmail just tripled!