the need to belong is a basic human motive, “a pervasive drive to form and maintain at least a minimum quantity of lasting, positive, and significant interpersonal relationships”
The need to belong runs deep, which is why people get very distressed when they are neglected by others, rejected, excluded, stigmatized, or ostracized, all forms of “social death”. Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary (1995)
The desire to establish and maintain many rewarding interpersonal relationships
Individuals differ in the strength of their need for affiliation
Set to maintain a certain “temperature” of optimum balance
“Sociostat” social thermostat
Others provide energy, attention, stimulation, information and emotional support
Stress strongly arouses our need for affiliation
External threats trigger fear and motivate us to affiliate
Embarrassed misery seeks solitude
Affiliating can satisfy us for other reasons too, as others provide energy, attention, stimulation, information, and emotional support.
Stress
Loneliness
Lack of Power
A feeling of deprivation about existing social relations.
Loneliness is a sad and heart-wrenching emotional state.
To be lonely is to feel deprived of human social connections, which occurs whenever we have less contact with others than we want.
Leon Festinger and his colleagues (1950) studied friendship patterns in married-student college housing and found that people were more likely to become friends with residents of nearby apartments than with those who lived farther away.
·Single best predictor of whether two people will get together is or used to be physical proximity or nearness.
Robert Zajonc (1968) found that the more often people saw a novel stimulus—whether it was a foreign word, a geometric form, or a human face—the more they came to like it. Although it is not clear how best to explain this result, Zajonc’s mere exposure effect has since been observed in over 200 experiments
Proximity doesn’t necessarily spark attraction, but it increases the frequency of contact
The phenomenon whereby the more often people are exposed to a stimulus, the more positively they evaluate that stimulus.
One possibility is that it is inherently rewarding to be in the company of others who are aesthetically appealing—that we derive pleasure from beautiful men and women the same way that we enjoy a breathtaking landscape.
A second reason for the bias toward beauty is that people tend to associate physical attractiveness with other desirable qualities, an assumption known as the what-is-beautiful-is-good stereotype
Four types of similarity are most important:
Demographic (age, education, race, religion, height, level of intelligence)
· Studies show that people tend to be more attracted to others of the same race
Attitudes (opinions, interests and values)
· In a study where an attitude survey was taken, participants liked the other person better when they perceived his or her attitudes as being similar to theirs
· People tend to marry others who share their political attitudes, religiosity, and values but who did not necessarily start out having similar personalities
· One study found that similarity was unrelated to the length of relationship
· Milton Rosenbaum - Similarity does not spark attraction, rather dissimilarity triggers repulsion, the desire to avoid someone
· We avoid associating ingroup with those who are dissimilar, and then by those who remain, we are drawn to those most similar.
Mismatches
· Matching Hypothesis: the idea that people tend to become involved romantically with others who are equivalent in their physical attractiveness
· Online dating - Men and women tended to initiate and receive contact from others whose relative popularity on the site was similar to their own
Similarity in subjective experience
· Whenever two people who are at a common event laugh, cry, jump to their feet, cheer, shake their heads at the same time, they feel as if they have shared a subjective experience
· Elizabeth Pinel called this “I-Sharing” and theorized that people who I-share, even if they are otherwise dissimilar, feel a profound sense of connection to one another like “kindred spirits”
Many years ago, Fritz Heider (1958) theorized that people prefer relationships that are psychologically “balanced” and that a state of imbalance causes distress.
People prefer relationships that are psychologically balanced.
We want to like the friends of our friends and the enemies of our enemies.
Between two people, a state of balance exists when a relationship is characterized by reciprocity: a mutual exchange between what we give and what we receive. Liking is mutual, which is why we tend to like others who indicate that they like us
The evolutionary perspective offers social psychologists an important and provocative perspective on relationships.
The approach draws the criticism that the results are weak, limited, or explainable by non-evolutionary means.
However, it also continues to generate new and interesting ideas. Currently, scientists in this area are studying a range of issues—such as the possible links between facial appearance and health and fertility.
The flexibility or “plasticity” of sexual orientation in men and women, the potentially deadly link between sexual jealousy and violence, the reason some men refuse to make child support payment the use of oral sex as a mate retention tactic, women’s ability to detect and prefer men who are intelligent, the conditions under which men and women misperceive each other’s sexual interest, and whether women become more or less “sexual” while ovulating.
In a survey of 300 students, 73% said they would sacrifice most other goals before giving up a good relationship.
Being attracted to people can be exhilarating or frustrating, depending on how the initial encounters develop.
A close relationship between two adults involving emotional attachment, fulfillment of psychological needs, or interdependence.
Intimate relationships often involve three basic components:
(1) feelings of attachment, affection, and love;
(2) fulfillment of psychological needs; and
(3) interdependence between partners, each of whom has a meaningful influence on the other.
According to one perspective, relationships progress in order through a series of stages.
For example, Bernard Murstein’s (1986) theory says there are three:
(1) the stimulus stage, in which attraction is sparked by external attributes such as physical appearance;
(2) the value stage, where attachment is based on similarity of values and beliefs; and
(3) the role stage, where commitment is based on the enactment of such roles as husband and wife. All three factors are important throughout a relationship, but each one is said to be first and foremost during only one stage
One common answer is rewards. Love, like attraction, depends on the experience of positive emotions in the presence of a partner. Step by step, as the rewards pile up, love develops. Or, as rewards diminish, love erodes. In reward theories, quantity counts. But some would disagree.
A perspective that views people as motivated to maximize benefits and minimize costs in their relationships with others.
Social exchange theory is an economic model of human behavior according to which people are motivated by a desire to maximize profit and minimize loss in their social relationships just as they are in business.
The basic premise is simple: Relationships that provide more rewards and fewer costs will be more satisfying and endure longer.
Relationships that provide more rewards and fewer costs will be more satisfying and endure longer.
Rewards include love, companionship, consolation in times of distress and sexual gratification
Costs include the work it takes to maintain a relationship, work through conflict, compromise, and sacrifice opportunities elsewhere.
Research shows that dating couples who experience greater increases in rewards as their relationship progresses are more likely to stay together than those who experience small increases or declines.
All people bring to a relationship certain expectations about the “balance sheet” to which they are entitled.
Three steps of the trust-insurance system in action:
On days after participants anxiously felt that they were not good enough for their partner, they were more likely to make sacrifices - for example by doing the dishes, making lunch etc.
These restorative actions were accompanied by lowered feelings of inferiority that same day
On the next day, the partners who benefited from these actions expressed fewer doubts about their marriage
Another approach to understanding close relationships is provided by Phillip Shaver, Cindy Hazan, and others who have theorized that just as infants display different kinds of attachment toward their parents, adults also exhibit specific learned attachment styles in their romantic relationships. (Secure, Avoidant, Anxious)
Attachment Style is the way a person typically interacts with significant others
· Secure attachment babies cry in distress when the mother leaves and then beam with sheer delight when she returns
· Those with insecure attachments show one of two patterns
Some babies, described as anxious, cling and cry when the mother leaves but then greet her with anger or apathy on her return.
Others are generally more detached, or avoidant, not reacting much on either occasion.
taxonomy is derived from Robert Sternberg’s (1986) triangular theory of love.
According to Sternberg, there are eight basic subtypes of love (seven different forms and an eighth combination that results in the absence of love)—and all can be derived from the presence or absence of three components. The combination can thus be viewed as the vertices of a triangle.
• A theory proposing that love has three basic components
Intimacy - the emotional component, involves liking and feelings of closeness “I have a comfortable relationship with ___”
Passion - the motivational component, contains drives that trigger attraction, romance and sexual desire “Just seeing ___ is exciting for me”
Commitment - the cognitive component, which reflects the decision to make a long-term commitment to a loved partner. “I will always feel a strong responsibility for ___”
Passionate love is an intense, sometimes fast to develop, emotional, heart-thumping state of absorption in another person.
Drawing on Schachter’s (1964) two-factor theory of emotion described.
they theorized that passionate love is fueled by two ingredients:
(1) a heightened state of physiological arousal and
(2) the belief that this arousal was triggered by the beloved person
Sometimes, the arousal–love connection is obvious, as when a person feels a surge of sexual desire at the sight of a romantic partner.
In contrast to the intense, emotional, erotic, and sometimes obsessional nature of passionate love, companionate love is a form of affection that binds close friends as well as lovers. Companionate relationships rest on a foundation of mutual trust, caring, respect, friendship, and commitment as necessary for “minding the close relationship.”
Compared with the passionate form of love, companionate love is less intense but is in some respects deeper and more enduring.
Companionate love is characterized by high levels of self-disclosure, a willingness to open up and share intimate facts and feelings. In a way, self-disclosure is to companionate love what arousal is to passionate love.
Research shows that the more emotionally involved people are in a close relationship, the more they self-disclose to each other.
Nancy Collins and Lynn Miller (1994) note three possible reasons for this correlation:
(1) We disclose to people we like,
(2) we like people who disclose to us, and
(3) we like people to whom we have disclosed.
· Couples who reported higher levels of self-disclosure also expressed more satisfaction, commitment and love. Also more sexually satisfied than those who are less open.
A person’s preference for members of the same sex (homosexuality), opposite sex (heterosexuality), both sexes (bisexuality), or neither (asexual).
To explain the roots of homosexuality, various theories have been proposed.
The origins of sexual orientation are complex for two reasons. First, it’s not clear that sexual orientation for men and women is similarly rooted.
A second complicating factor is that although there is strong evidence for a biological disposition, this does not necessarily mean that there’s a “gay gene”.
The results indicated that genetics plays a role in whether someone has had a same-sex sexual experience. However, that influence comes not from one gene but from many, and it accounts for only a third of the effect
Recognizing that sexual orientation is complicated, Daryl Bem (1996, 2000) sees its development as a psychobiological process.
· in which the wife demands that the couple discuss the relationship problems, only to become frustrated when her husband withdraws from such discussions
· Healthy relationships are most likely when both partners have similar styles of dealing with conflict.
Two basic approaches to reducing the negative effects of conflict:
Increase rewarding behaviour in other aspects of the relationship
Trying to understand the other’s point of view
By means of this indirect route to genetic survival, the tendency to help genetic relatives, called kin selection, could become an innate characteristic of humans.
In fact, kin selection is evident in the behavior of many organisms
According to the empathy–altruism hypothesis, taking the perspective of a person in need creates feelings of empathic concern, which produce the altruistic motive to reduce the other person’s distress. When people do not take the other’s perspective, they experience feelings of personal distress, which produce the egoistic motive to reduce their own discomfort. Based on Batson, 1991.
The proposition that empathic concern for a person in need produces an altruistic motive for helping.
As everyone looks at everyone else for clues about how to behave, the entire group may be paralyzed by indecision.
The state in which people in a group mistakenly think that their own individual thoughts, feelings, or behaviors are different from those of the others in the group.
Desire to maintain one’s good mood. When we are in a good mood, we are motivated to maintain that mood.
Helping others makes us feel good, so it can help maintain a positive mood.
Positive thoughts and expectations. Positive moods trigger positive thoughts, and if we have positive thoughts about others, we should like them more and should have positive expectations about interacting with others; these factors should make us more likely to help them.
Costs of helping are high. If the anticipated costs of helping in a particular situation seem high, helping would put our good mood at risk. In this case, if we can avoid getting involved and thus maintain our good mood, we are less likely to help.
Positive thoughts about other social activities that conflict with helping. If our good mood makes us want to go out and party with our friends, our motivation to engage in this social activity may prevent us from taking the time to notice or take responsibility for helping someone in need.
If we take responsibility for what caused our bad mood (“I feel guilty for what I did.”)
If we focus on other people (“Wow, those people have suffered so much.”)
If we think about our personal values that promote helping (“I really shouldn’t act like such a jerk next time; I have to be nicer.”)
If we blame others for our bad mood (“I feel so angry at that jerk who put me in this situation.”)
If we become very self-focused (“I am so depressed.”)
If we think about our personal values that do not promote helping (“I have to wise up and start thinking about my own needs more.”)
Narcissism involves having an inflated sense of self-worth and self-love, having low empathy for others, tending to focus on the self rather than others, and being especially sensitive to perceived insults.
Narcissism is consistently and positively correlated with aggression in response to provocation, particularly if the provocation is public rather than private.
Narcissism is one of the three traits some researchers call the Dark Triad (which we admit sounds like what should be the name of the villains in the next
One factor that has a very clear and consistent relationship with aggression is self-control.
Ø What about the role of punishment to decrease aggression (e.g., removal of privileges, spanking, or incarceration)? Ø Punishment may lead to a decrease in aggression, but only when it…
immediately follows the aggressive behaviour
is strong enough to deter the aggressor
is consistently applied and perceived as fair and legitimate by the aggressor
The power of models to modify behavior is a crucial tenet of Albert Bandura’s (1977) social learning theory.
Social learning theory emphasizes that we learn from the example of others as well as from direct experience with rewards and punishments.
Models influence the prosocial, helpful behavior. They also affect antisocial, aggressive behavior.
Social Learning Theory: The theory that behavior is learned through the observation of others as well as through the direct experience of rewards and punishments.