cmn 120 section 2 lecture

Family of origin

the family you were born into

Family of procreation

the family you helped to create

Nuclear family

 “immediate family **when they live in the same household**” (includes adopted children, and now LGBTQIA parents)

Extended family

aka “non-immediate family ” (grandparents, aunts, uncles)

Blended family

a family consisting of a couple and their children from this and all previous relationships.

Nontraditional families

single-parented, cohabitating parents, polygamous families

Family roles

are the recurrent patterns of behavior by which individuals fulfill family functions.

Family rituals

are repetitive behaviors that have special meaning for a group or relationship. 

* Spending quality time together
* Creating memories
* Reinforcing bonds
* Recommended for blended families

Family Stories

* Are told many times. Become part of the family’s collective knowledge. 

Give families a sense of history

Set up expectations (“We stick together no matter what.)

Reinforce values (“We don’t lie.)

Reinforce connections across generations

Family Secrets

* protect private family information from outsiders.

Secrets can reinforce the family’s identity and exclusivity 

Secrets can be kept *within* families, as well. This can often be stressful and divisive to families.

Types of Friendships

1. Same-sex friendships
2. Cross-sex friendships
3. Friends with benefits
4. Workplace relationships

Common Characteristics of Friendships

* Even though each friendship is unique in many ways, nearly all friendships have certain qualities in common that affect how people communicate. 


1. Friends are usually peers.
2. Friends usually have rules.
3. Friendships differ by sex.
4. Friends have a lifespan.

Friends are usually peers

A peer is someone similar in power or status to oneself. 

Your instructors, boss, and parents aren’t your peers because those people exercise some measure of control over you, at least temporarily. 

We can have friendships with those people, but they are more complicated.

Friendships differ by sex

* The differences found in the ways males and females maintain their relationships are not dramatic. 

We all want friends with whom we can talk, do things with, and turn to in times of trouble. 

Both men and women see their friendships as one of the most important sources of happiness in their lives.

Friends often have (implicit) rules

We all have expectations of what it means to be and have a friend. Here are some common rules that keep friendships intact.

If they aren’t followed, the friendship will probably end.

Research findings consistently show that women and men value different aspects of their respective friendships.

Generally, friendships among women tend to place greater emphasis on conversational and emotional expressiveness whereas men’s friendships focus on shared activities and interests. (Obviously, this does not characterize ALL same-sex friendships.) 

Women and men report equal valuing of friendships and levels of closeness.

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**ex. story about how she went to Vegas with her friend, and she told her husband that they talked the entire time**

Friendships have a lifespan:

(1) Friends can grow to dislike each other

Negative feelings are most likely to arise when one friend:

\--Constantly nags or criticizes the other

\--Betrays the other’s confidence or trust

\--Behaves in a hostile or physically violent way around the other

\--Begins abusing alcohol or drugs

\--Fails to provide help or support when the other friend needs it

\--Becomes intolerant of the other friend’s romantic partner or other friends

\--Feels he or she no longer has anything in common anymore 

(this was all green)

Friendships have a lifespan: Friends’ life circumstances can change

leading to a drifting apart. Such as, physical separation, getting married, having a baby, experiencing a chronic illness.

Cross-Sex Friendships

Cross-sex friendships can be very rewarding. 

Both men and women like to get the perspective of the other sex, and many perceive them as fun and exciting. However, they can often be confusing and ambiguous, making them more challenging than same-sex friendships.

Challenge to Cross-Sex Friendships: (1) Emotional Bond Challenge

Men and women have been **socialized to see one another as potential romantic partners** rather than platonic friends.

Leads to the uncertainty as to whether one of the friends has romantic feelings toward the other.

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**Lesbians and Gay Men would have the same issue**

Challenge to Cross-Sex Friendships: (2) the Sexual Challenge

Involves coping with the potential sexual attraction that can occur. The “sex thing.”

Men, more than women, tend to see their cross-sex friends as potential sex partners.

Challenge to Cross-Sex Friendships: (3) Public Presentation Challenge

 Outsiders wondering if there is something going on between the “two of you.” This is true for same-sex friendships with different sexual orientations.

It can also be true with same sex friendships are assumed to be a gay couple.

**ex. she knew two former students that came out and people assumed they would get together**

Friends with Benefits

Platonic friends who decide to have sex while remaining “just” friends. 

They are quite common on college campuses: **68% on one campus** surveyed, **49% on another**. 

Friends with benefits are the __most likely friendship type to establish rules__ for maintaining their relationships

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ex. her and her husband started as friends with benefits

Workplace Relationships

* Workplace relationships can often parallel what was said about friendships except that __they are not voluntary__. Workplace relationships can turn into romantic relationships as well as long-term friendships. 

Having positive relationships with co-workers increases job satisfaction, although workplace friendships and romantic relationships can also be very challenging.

Relationships between superiors and subordinates can be very positive but are also complicated by the inherent power differences within them. 

Positive relationships with customers can be highly rewarding, both personally and professionally.

**Guidelines for** ***Online*** **Workplace Interactions**

Much professional communication occurs in the electronically mediated formats. :


1. Learn and follow your organization’s policies for electronic communication.
2. Use electronic communication for convenience not as a shield.
3. Don’t write in an email message what you wouldn’t say in person. 
4. Remember that electronic communication leaves a trail.
5. Take advantage of the communication trail when it helps you. 
6. Know your audience. Communicate differently depending upon whether the communication is upward, downward, or lateral. 

(Don’t have to memorize)

Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships are often expected to be exclusive, voluntary, based on love, and involve commitment. Although, there are exceptions to each of these expectations.

Precursors to Attraction:

1. Micro-environmental: specific situations within the larger situations

ex. ex’s house boating trips over spring break, music festivals, weddings)
2. The Social Network

**ex. friend Angela liked a guy, she had a friend and she matched them up by bringing the guy to a party, the guy helps her** __**take out garbage**__ **and never come back, she abandons her party to go to bar with him**
3. Proximity: seeing the person regularly
4. Physical attractiveness (u attractive, i find u attractive) and rewarding communication

Predictors of Attraction

People perceive others as more physically attractive if they have warm positive interactions with them. 

Thus, in some cases relationships and interaction can lead to people revising their initial impressions of people.


1. **The hard-to-get phenomenon**
2. **The chemistry between people**
3. **Similarity (Birds of a feather, flock together)**
4. **Opposites attract**

The Matching Hypothesis

* This hypothesis is inconsistent with the research that suggests that we want the most physically attractive person as possible.

The matching hypothesis suggests that instead of trying to “get” the most attractive person “out there,” instead people are often attracted to people who have roughly the same level of overall physical attractiveness as themselves. 

Choosing a partner of similar attractiveness will minimize **their chances for rejection by choosing someone who is attainable**.

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**ex. friend that got pregnant 16, her husband started working out and she didn’t like it, she felt self-conscious and asked for a divorce**

ex. her friends joke about looking for young guys, the other half of the group thinks its gross

Stages of Coming Together (Mark Knapp): Initiating

Initiating: greetings and indicating there is an opening for communication

Stages of Coming Together (Mark Knapp): Experimenting

safe topics. small talk. superficial breadth more than depth

Stages of Coming Together (Mark Knapp): Intensifying

Marked by an increase in deeper, personal disclosures; things feel emotionally compelling

Stages of Coming Together (Mark Knapp): Integrating

Things have settled down a bit and so things are less intense. Coupling. Pet names. Coordinated activities. Have developed a way of being together.

Stages of Coming Together (Mark Knapp): Bonding

Public expression of a lifelong commitment (i.e. marriage)

ex. she knew gay men that would go through the ceremony of being married even when it wasn’t legal because we are so inculturated with it.

Self-disclosure

Self-disclosure is the action of intentionally giving others information about ourselves, that we believe to be true, and think that the receiver does not already know.

Self-disclosure: the Dialectical Perspective

People have strong needs for both openness and secrecy, and so mutually managing when and what to disclose can be very challenging; particularly, when the two parties involved have very different needs regarding the need for openness and secrecy.

Attributes of self-disclosure

1. intentional and truthful
2. varies in breadth and depth
3. varies among relationships
4. is a gradual process
5. is usually reciprocated (the most reciprocated form of communication)
6. can serve many purposes
7. is influenced by cultural and gender roles

Dimensions of Self-Disclosure

Depth: how personal or deep

Breadth: how many topics people feel free to discuss

Frequency: how often self-disclosures occur

Valence: the positive or negative “charge” of the SD

Duration: how long two people spend disclosing in a single conversation as opposed to how often they disclose

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\--Some research reveals that the duration of face-to-face interaction is more strongly related to closeness in friendships than the frequency of interaction.

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\--Close intimate friends do not need to have frequent contact to stay close as long as they periodically have, in-depth conversations

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**ex. guy went to a reunion planned a weekend trip w a girl that completely changed, and just ditched her (VALENCE)**

Benefits of Self-disclosure

1. __Enhancement__ of relationships a trust
2. __Reciprocity__: A good way to get to know one another.
3. __Emotional release:__ Sharing oneself with another can help to reduce internal stress and can improve both mental and physical health. 
4. __Helping others:__ We can provide support to others when they reveal challenges and show that they are not alone. 

Risks of Self-Disclosure

1. __Rejection__. Sometimes people will not like what we told them. This is considered an “unrewarding” self-disclosure and people may reject those who reveal information that they find they do not like. 
2. __Chance of obligating others.__ As there is pressure to reciprocate, the receiver of self-disclosure may not want to self-disclose and may lead to the person avoiding the discloser. 
3. __Hurt to others.__ Uncensored honesty can lead to feeling wounded or resentful. 
4. __Violation of another’s privacy.__ The sharing of an individual’s personal information with a third party without the individual’s consent.

Online self-disclosures

The lack of face-to-face interaction in computer-mediated context encourages SD, so that people are often more open in their self-disclosures at the start of an online relationship.

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Online is a “__**hyper-persona**__l” context, meaning that it contains more information than face-to-face. This can accelerate feelings of closeness between people. However, there are risks (as discussed above).

Strategies for intensifying relationships

1. __Increasing contact__
2. Supporting, assisting (college bf tried to take care of her while sick)
3. Increasing rewards
4. __Direct definitional bid__ (will you marry me? Love you)
5. __Acceptance of definitional bid__
6. Tokens of affection
7. Personalized communication
8. Verbal and nonverbal expressions of affection
9. Social enmeshment
10. __Personal appearance__ (changes to improve after dating someone, her brother’s fiance asked to give him a makeover)
11. Sexual intimacy
12. __Behavioral adaptation__ (her husband asked if she could swear less but then he used donkey dicks as a swear)

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IC, D, A, P , B

Cognitive Valence Theory

* describes how people respond to increases in intimacy behavior.


1. Person A behaves in a way that increases intimacy behavior.
2. Intimacy behavior is perceived by Person B and then experiences low, moderate, or high arousal.
3. Person B makes a cognitive appraisal based on his/her “cognitive schemata.

Cognitive schemata

__An evaluation of the increase in intimacy behavior based on__…


1. Cultural appropriateness
2. Personal predispositions
3. Interpersonal valence
4. Situational appropriateness
5. Psychological or physical states
6. If perceived as positive the two will show positive affect, reciprocity of intimacy, increase in relational closeness. If not, the reverse is true.

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ex. Good Will Hunting, “I want you to come to CA with me”

Love

a complex, variable phenomenon that defies simple definition**.** 

Instead of asking, “What is love?” it may be more appropriate to ask: “What is love to me and my partner**,** and how does love function in the unique relationship we share?”

Lee’s Love Styles

1. Physical Love (Eros)
2. Companionate Love (Storge)
3. Game Playing Love (Ludus)
4. Possessive Love (Mania)
5. Unselfish Love (Agape)
6. Practical Love (Pragma) - arranged marriage

ex. friend had so many practical rules, as she got older they got more lax

P C G P U P

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Commitment, Intimacy, and Passion

Types of Love: Nonlove

no intimacy, no passion, no commitment

Types of Love: Liking

just intimacy

Types of Love: Infatuation

just passion

Types of Love: Empty Love

just commitment

ex. early stages of arranged marriage

unhappy married couples

Types of Love: Romantic Love

Intimacy + Passion

Types of Love: Compassionate Love

intimacy + commitment

ex. her friend was really good friends with a guy and always wondered what it would feel like to have passion with him as well

Types of Love: Fatuous Love

Passion + Commitment

fatuous = silly

* “ I can’t believe how hot she is, but she sucks in very other way”

Types of Love: Consummate Love

Intimacy + Passion + Commitment

* what we should strive for

Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman)

Chapman’s love research was conducted on both children and adults. Both groups experience love in the same five ways. Individuals vary in terms of which love languages matter to us most (and least). Often, our favorite love languages are the ones that we express the most to others. 


1. Acts of service
2. Touch
3. Gifts (her mom’s rich brother that gave many gifts and she loved it, and she was also over the top with gifts)
4. Verbal affirmations
5. Quality time (ex. her daughter appreciates just being w her w/o brother)

Attachment Theory

Attachment theorists take a __developmental__ (looking at how our caregivers treated us growing up) approach to studying love.

* Children first learn to develop attachments through dependence on caregivers
* As children grow, they should develop a sense of independence that is **rooted in security**

They view love as a process of becoming attached to someone, which includes forming a bond and becoming close to someone.

Attachment Styles (Bartholomew): Secure

__”I’m okay, you’re okay.”__


1. Self-sufficient
2. Comfortable with intimacy
3. Wants interdependent relationships

Attachment Styles (Bartholomew): Preoccupied

__“I’m not okay, you’re okay.”__


1. Is overly involved and dependent
2. Wants excessive intimacy
3. Clings to relationships

ex. stalker types that cannot take no’s

Attachment Styles (Bartholomew): Fearful

__“I’m not okay, you’re not okay.”__


1. Wants approval from others
2. Is fearful of intimacy
3. Sees relationships as painful, fears rejection

ex. Matt Damon thinks “I’m not good enough” in GWH

Attachment Styles (Bartholomew): Dismissive

__“I’m okay, you’re not okay”__


1. Is counter-dependent (doesn’t “need” anyone)
2. Is uncomfortable with intimacy
3. Sees relationships as non-essential

Attachment Styles (Bartholomew): Intimacy

* intimacy refers to the special relational states and interactions that occur in close relationships, characterized by feelings of warmth, trust, and deep friendship. (Sexual involvement is not the meaning of intimacy in this line of research.)

Intimate experiences have a **quality that is lacking in everyday interactions** between strangers and acquaintances.

Some argue that intimacy is experienced through **shared knowledge (maybe self-disclosure)**.

This knowledge is gained through mutual self-disclosure, spending time together, and observing one another’s behavior.

Intimate relationships…

1. Are **unique**
2. Contain **depth**
3. Exist over time in that they have a shared history, believe in a future together, and are **marked by rituals**
4. Involve the exchange of very high levels of **listening and understanding**.
5. Are **comfortable with silence**. Silence can communicate comfort and connection.
6. Takes **repeated interactio**n. Quality and quantity time. Multiple episodes and interaction that establish and cultivate deep feelings.

The importance of intimacy and affection

1. Happiness
2. Mental health
3. Physical health
4. Overcoming relational turbulence
5. Self-expansion

Intimacy and nonverbal behavior: Visual behaviors

increased eye contact, pupil dilation

ex. women in the 1940s would use eye drops to enlarge pupils

men’s eyes dilate when seeing sexual images (playboy) and women do not

Intimacy and nonverbal behavior: Spatial or proxemics behaviors

sitting close, facing someone, accommodating height differences

Intimacy and nonverbal behavior: Touch

is a primary way in which intimate feelings get expressed.

The types of touch and touch patterns vary in all the different kinds of relationships. But it plays a significant role in all of them.

Intimacy and nonverbal behavior: Body movement

smiling, inclusive gestures, nodding, open body positions, relaxation, body synchrony all express intimacy.

Intimacy and nonverbal behavior: Vocalic

warm and expressive vocal tones; tone of voice and use of sounds vary based on topics and contexts

Intimacy and nonverbal behavior: Chronemic behaviors

spending time with the person, planning for the future, devoting time to work on and maintain the relationship

Verbal intimacy

Humans are talkative creatures.

Although nonverbal communication may be the essence of intimate relationships, talk is extremely important as well. 

Types of Verbal Intimacy

1. __Self-disclosure__
2. __Verbal responsiveness__—listening in an “altercentric” manner. The behavior of the listener is as important as that of the discloser
3. __Relationship talk__—Direct communication about feelings regarding the relationship
4. __Relational language__—inclusivity (the use of “we,” “us,” “our”), personal idioms, inside jokes, nicknames, mild teases, love names, etc

Relational Maintenance

keeping a relationship:


1. In existence
2. In a specified state or condition, stable, status quo
3. In satisfactory condition
4. At a desired level

Just like machines need to be maintained to keep running smoothly, so do relationships. 

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Once you are in a committed, long-term relationship, do you have to engage in behaviors that will help to “maintain” it, or can you go on ”cruise control?”

Centrifugal perspective

People must actively work to maintain their relationships or else they will deteriorate

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\*the names centrifugal and centripetal are green, don’t need to be memorized

Centripetal perspective

People in close, committed relationships stay together unless something pulls them apart. (Cruise control approach)

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\--According to this view, there are barriers that prevent people from leaving committed relationships. 

\--Unless some outside force breaks in, or some problem so partners, like cruise control, can relax until something unexpected happens.

Amount of Cruise Control

Most scholars take the position that highly committed relationships do run on cruise control *some of the time*, but that *periodic maintenance* is necessary to keep them healthy and able to adjust to changing needs and demands. 

Too much cruise control, makes people feel that they are being taken for granted. 

People should perceive relationship maintenance as and integral and a defining part of being in a relationship.

Relational Maintenance Behaviors

1. Openness and routine talk
2. Positivity
3. Assurances
4. Supportiveness
5. Joint activities
6. Task sharing
7. Romance and affection
8. Social networking
9. Mediated communication

Strategic Behaviors (MBs)

are those that are intentionally designed to maintain and repair the relationship.

Apologizing, sending flowers to your mother on her birthday, sending texts to keep in touch with a friend, __**reaching for hand after a fight**__

ex. man getting his wife flowers and people automatically assume that he’s doing something wrong

Routine Behaviors (MBs)

are those that are less strategic and deliberate. They are used without the express purpose of maintaining or repairing the relationship, yet they still help people preserve their bonds with one another.

* Routine MBs are somewhat better predictors of relational satisfaction and commitment than are strategic behaviors.
* ex. __**holding hands in a movie theatre**__

Long Distance Relationships

* increasing due to pursuing higher education, dual professional careers, immigrating from other countries
* Within college student population, between 25% and 40% of romantic relationships are long distance. 

Yet, many LD couples maintain happy relationships. Some studies even suggest that they are happier and more “in love” with their partners.
* People in LDR’s are **typically on their best relational behavior when they are together** (red flaggy)
* idealize each other more and are more likely to believe they will get married
*  imagine how great their lives will be when they finally get to be together all the time

Friends in LDRs

report as much **relational satisfaction** as they did when they lived closer

the ability to stay in contact through online communication has made a huge change in the success of LDRs

How social media affect romantic relationships

Social media has allowed us to be more aware and engaged in the lives of those we care about, including our partners. 

We can more readily communicate with them, and we can see their daily happenings and feel more connected. 

However, social media can impact mental health and relationships by making people feel upset with what they see or what a partner chooses to share. Sharing too much can lessen intimacy and sharing too little can make others question the authenticity of the relationship. 

Finding the balance is challenging.

Negative effects of social media on relationships

1. Decreased time with partner
2. Negative comparisons
3. Missed bids
4. Jealousy
5. Conflict stemming from disagreements or hurt feelings

Barriers to relational dissolution

People stay in relationships for two major reasons: 1) because they *want* to, and 2) because they (perceive) they *have* to.

* Internal Psychological
* External Structural

“want to” reasons

Attraction, relational satisfaction, love, and other rewards

“have to” reasons

Social pressures, financial considerations, and the fear of being alone

Internal psychological barrier

Commitment, obligation, emotional and time investments, strong religious or moral beliefs, meshing of people’s self-and relational identities (reflected glory), and parental obligations

External structural barrier

Financial considerations, the legal process, and social pressures

Decreased time with partner

If someone is engrossed in social media, they are likely to miss or get irritated with a partner if they are interrupted. 

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Whether intended or not, social media does decrease the quality time spent in a relationship, which can decrease our satisfaction and sense of connection—and ultimately lead to a social media addiction if left unchecked.

Negative comparisons

Social media makes it much easier for us to negatively compare our relationship to other relationships.

This can impact our commitment to our relationship, leading to betrayal and possibly demise of the relationship.

Some research has revealed that the larger the role social media plays in a person’s life, the less satisfying their romantic relationships are.

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People may see what’s happening in other relationships and falsely compare, causing relationship satisfaction to decrease.

Reflective glory

internal psychological constraint

ex. parents who see their children’s success as their own success

ex. Woman whose famous doctor husband cheated on her but she wouldn’t leave him

Missed bids

In relationships, we all have ”bids” for connection; such as, asking a question, reaching for a hand, or seeking emotional support. 

Regardless of the bid, a partner can either turn toward you (respond positively), turn away (intentionally or unintentionally ignore), or turn against (respond negatively). 

Missed bids happen in every relationship, but scholar John Gottman revealed that in healthy relationships couples respond positively to one another’s bids 86% of the time. 

Social media can serve as a distraction result in an increase in missed bids, make the partner feel less important than social media. If this becomes a habit, it can have last detrimental effects.

Jealousy

Jealousy in a relationship usually stems from when there is potential attraction or ongoing interactions with exes.

You may see an interaction between your partner and someone they may be attracted to and interpret that something is going on.

Social media may cause “retroactive jealousy,” which occurs when a person feels upset about their partner’s romantic history based on seeing digital remnants of former romantic relationships.

It may make the partner question the stability of the relationship.

Conflict stemming from disagreements or hurt feelings

Couples may find themselves in relationship conflict around differing beliefs about what is acceptable on social media. 

For example, you may believe in blocking exes while your partner disagrees.

Or you may post something that your partner didn’t want shared.

Or you may not post something your partner wished you would share.

These actions can lead to hurt feelings and potential conflict.

Inertia

a laziness, passive approach, time goes on thinking it’ll get better

* leads to **cohabitation effect:** if they have not made a commitment to marry before cohabitation, when relational constraints are added and the relationship is in trouble

Ambiguity of Cohabitation

unclear about what is happening

People feel insecure because they isn’t a real commitment yet

**EX.** friend was wondering when he was gonna propose and she wasted the best years of her life with someone with no intention to marry her

She met someone again and she was very nervous it would happen again but they did end up getting married

Marriage Types: Conventionally

A variable involving traditional vs. less traditional notions of family

Marriage Types: Companionship

A variable reflecting dependence vs. autonomy in marriage.

How much time a couple spends together engaging in mutual activities

ex. nanny and her husband do EVERYTHING together

Marriage Types: Conflict

A variable reflecting the amount of open disagreement expressed in the relationship